no good very bad something
I've fucked up. Oh man, have I fucked up. I knew that whole un-stress almost confidence would bite me in the ass. I lost the thesis. My adviser told me she didn't think that I could finish it. I totally thought that I could, too, until she took me through it. Not the 88 pages of 'just needs finishing/joining' that I'd though I had but 88 pages of mess. I was so *confident*. Thought I had it. I got nada. Well, that's not true. I've got a special studies, or I will have it as of sometime next week. (Hopefully, I think I've emailed everyone that I have to to make this work.) Fifty pages instead of 80+, and no honors, though honestly, yes, I was doing this because I wanted to write the paper. I really was. But...it never occurred to me that I could fail. Spoiled, academic brat that I am, because I'm pretty sure that assumption is exactly why I did. Fail, that is. I just, didn't put enough effort into it. I loved the crap out of it. Got pulled down into the research (if even that) and didn't do enough of the putting it all together.
Fuck.
What's worst, I think, is that I'm not entirely sure how I feel. I should be upset. or relieved. or...I dunno. Definitely disappointed. In myself. Wasn't anyone else's fault. I don't think I was even that much in over my head. I did get bogged down but mostly? This just proved how damn lazy I am. I don't even work on the things I love. Mostly just feel hollow, which honestly I've felt a lot recently. It seems to be the price to pay for lack of stress. Just wish this wasn't all my own damn fault. But it is.
And now I'm completely fucking lost. Because I have to write what is essentially a different paper. Not entirely I suppose. And I can do it, I know I can. It's just right now that I feel like I can't.
I just remember coming away from a meeting with Sharon and being so happy because I felt like she was proud of me. And now? I feel like I've disappointed her. I was good though, held myself together when she told me. Took it well. Asked what I had to do. Don't know if I've disappointed her or not. Definitely disappointed in myself. Lazy fuck-wit.
I think I'd rather have been stressed all semester than have had this happen now.
Stopping now. Wasn't even sure about posting this but I'm hoping people'll see it so that I don't have to tell everyone a hundred separate times.