(no subject)
I don't know what's going on with me. I really don't. So, we'll just have a mass brain-spill and see what comes out...
I'm almost 20. Less than a week and I'll be there. I'm having a two-pronged age crisis...partially the fact that oh my God, I'm growing up. I'm actually going to be an adult. I've focused all my life on this role...perky happy kid that everyone loves...I don't know if I can readjust it to fit the new stages in my life. This line from FallOut Boy keeps coming to mind- "The kids you used to love, but then we grew old." That scares me. And the second part of it...is that I'm almost 20. And what do I have to show for it? I'm $15,000 in debt. I have collectors calling my house and my cell phone about medical bills. I'm in a dead-end job that won't really get me anywhere- it's a temporary stopgap to get me cash until I get back in school. That's it. I don't have any schooling completed, besides the semester that I spent at ColState...and that won't transfer where I want to go. At this rate.....my brother is going to graduate college before me. I don't know if I can do it anymore. I'm so scared of failing, again.
Here's another thing. I'm tired of being alone. Everyone keeps hounding me about finding myself a man that'll "treat me right," "not like that last one"...and I just want to cry. A few weeks ago...I saw a friend of mine at a church function...Mr. Phil. And he asked me if I was still getting married...and I thought I was going to die on the spot. I didn't realize a person could hurt so much...but apparently we can. It hurts...still...so horribly. People don't seem to understand the magnitude of the pain...I can't explain it. And it doesn't hurt all the time...it just sneaks up on me. And when it does.....it's like a small death each time. Does it sound like I'm being melodramatic? Maybe I am...but that's how I feel. It's like an ache that no amount of rubbing can ease.
And another. YOU LIED TO ME, TEE. YOU FUCKING LIED TO ME. It's your fault I'm in the afore mentioned predicament, which I wouldn't be in if it wasn't for you. So FUCK YOU! I want nothing to do with you. I'm not a toy...I'm not a ball. You can't throw me away and expect me to bounce back. It doesn't work that way. I'm sorry.
I could go on for hours, but my fingers are tired of typing, cause I typed all this really really fast. So, yeah. Maybe more later.
I'm almost 20. Less than a week and I'll be there. I'm having a two-pronged age crisis...partially the fact that oh my God, I'm growing up. I'm actually going to be an adult. I've focused all my life on this role...perky happy kid that everyone loves...I don't know if I can readjust it to fit the new stages in my life. This line from FallOut Boy keeps coming to mind- "The kids you used to love, but then we grew old." That scares me. And the second part of it...is that I'm almost 20. And what do I have to show for it? I'm $15,000 in debt. I have collectors calling my house and my cell phone about medical bills. I'm in a dead-end job that won't really get me anywhere- it's a temporary stopgap to get me cash until I get back in school. That's it. I don't have any schooling completed, besides the semester that I spent at ColState...and that won't transfer where I want to go. At this rate.....my brother is going to graduate college before me. I don't know if I can do it anymore. I'm so scared of failing, again.
Here's another thing. I'm tired of being alone. Everyone keeps hounding me about finding myself a man that'll "treat me right," "not like that last one"...and I just want to cry. A few weeks ago...I saw a friend of mine at a church function...Mr. Phil. And he asked me if I was still getting married...and I thought I was going to die on the spot. I didn't realize a person could hurt so much...but apparently we can. It hurts...still...so horribly. People don't seem to understand the magnitude of the pain...I can't explain it. And it doesn't hurt all the time...it just sneaks up on me. And when it does.....it's like a small death each time. Does it sound like I'm being melodramatic? Maybe I am...but that's how I feel. It's like an ache that no amount of rubbing can ease.
And another. YOU LIED TO ME, TEE. YOU FUCKING LIED TO ME. It's your fault I'm in the afore mentioned predicament, which I wouldn't be in if it wasn't for you. So FUCK YOU! I want nothing to do with you. I'm not a toy...I'm not a ball. You can't throw me away and expect me to bounce back. It doesn't work that way. I'm sorry.
I could go on for hours, but my fingers are tired of typing, cause I typed all this really really fast. So, yeah. Maybe more later.