LoSt, CoMpLeTeLy AnD uTtErLy LoSt.
i don't know what to say anymore. i don't know what i'm allowed to say. i don't know what i'm allowed to feel. i never used to be like this, but scars from the past have caused me to be scared. i'm scared to feel, but it's too late. i already do. i've tried so hard, but i can't not. it's just, is it even realistic? i mean, people are just going to get hurt this way...i just know it...at least, i know i will. what is the fine line between saying just enough and saying too much? to be honest, to answer my own question, there is no fine line. there doesn't need to be a fine line because in life, no one can be protected from getting hurt. it happens and that's that. i want so bad to protect myself...to protect others too...but it's just a waste of time. so you might as say what needs to be said... i'm getting better at that. i'm still kind of bad about saying what i want to say, but i at least say what needs to be said most of the time. what about this for a question...when does a realistic dream get blown out of proportion into a fantasy dream? when can you tell when you're shooting for something that can ACTUALLY happen and when you're basically living in a fairy-tale land that you've made up in your head? because i'm so worried that i'm becoming wrapped up in make-believe...tell me, am i? i cling on to the hope minute by minute of every day and night that i'm not insane, but i'm beginning to doubt my belief in it all. sometimes i'm not even sure what's wanted from the other side...your side...what is wanted? like specifics... and then, now i can't even say what i want to say because, shoot, i might not be able to get it even if it is magically realistic...because other responsibilities will come first. and believe me, they will take the place of me...maybe not because you want them to, but they still will, because you'll have to place them first. why did God create jealousy? just another random question. jealousy sucks and it only creates pain and anger and agony. even the tiniest bit of it...the tiniest pinch of your heart, it still hurts. and in most situations, jealousy is wrong...so why is it even an emotion? to teach us a lesson...welp, i don't want to be taught a lesson. i know what's wrong and i know what's right...but knowing how i feel and knowing what i want...then knowing that those two things are so different from what's the right thing to say or do, it kills me. ...i want to live in a bubble and float away. high into the clouds, far away from people and emotions... 'cause emotions suck. i can go from the highest high to the lowest low...and i'm not even on drugs. what is that?! i mean, i guess it's mostly because i fake myself out...i go out and i act as if nothing is wrong, when inside i'm breaking, i eat chocolate ice cream because i know chocolate gets me all hyper = focused on being a dork instead of on what's upsetting me, i smile really big and put the cute clothes and the pretty make-up on so that when i look in the mirror i'm the classic "happy" girl, i dance around in my underwear to fast music that has lyrics that blast out how fun it is to party and doesn't focus on the consequences of what most teens do today...that's my fake world. sadly, i had to experience that world today...i've experienced it other times in the past too...and i know other people out there do it too. or they have their other escapes like drinking or drugs, i've tried that before too...thank god it didn't get into the heavy duty stuff ...but i'm sure if my mom and dad had actually let me live a life without them breathing down my neck, i would have...and that's just ridiculous. people shouldn't need to find escapes...they shouldn't need to create an alternate world where everything that's wrong can be ignored. which all goes back to the whole, saying what you feel needs to be said, say what you want to say. 'cause if you don't you're just hiding. i'm one to talk...there's so much that i need to say, so much that i want to say...but i hide. but like i just said, i'm not truly content that way...i just haven't learned how to yet. that's a part of growing up i guess. i just wish i could get it all out...but i guess, perhaps, i wish to say too much. lord, i'm just talking in an endless circle...i keep going around and around and around and i'm gettin no where...no where at all...once again, emotions stink so much!!! grrizzle. i don't know if i want to scream or to cry. it's no one's fault, it's just...circumstances. good ole circumstances, just gotta love'em. <> i mean, i'm not mad at anyone and no person has upset me, just the situation of things...it's bringing me down...so far down. ...depressed attitudes are loads of crap, i think i'm going to drag myself back up to my room and return to my fake world before i sink into the quicksand, otherwise known as sadness...sometimes it is better to blindfold yourself and let it all disappear into the background...
'cept for the fact that my heart is overflowing with emotion...not just bad, very good ones too. at least, i hope they're good...i guess it all just depends on that whole dreaming too much vs. reality thing...but for now, i'll continue to believe they're good emotions until i'm proven wrong. ...good emotions such as when i went to subway for lunch today a memory flashed through my brain. i remembered driving out to the middle of nowhere to go get barbeque, but instead having to get subway...out in the town of in-breds hehe...then going to the KOA pool and someone jumping in with his mom's cell phone in his pocket lol...and the ride back, windows rolled down, all wet from the pool, his hat on my head sideways about to blow off my head and out of the car while "rapping" along with the radio...and, of course, who could forget what happened outside standing by his car, only four days after i'd met him...
those are the things that keep me smiling, no matter what. that is the kind of thing that reminds me that although there are bad emotions, there are good ones too...and it's all worth it, just to feel the good ones.
i think i'll go upstairs and lay down. cover myself with my dark blue fuzzy warm blanket and hold on tight to my bear (i know i'm seventeen, but get over it. i do what i do and i'm proud of it! lol). i'll turn on some soft music and pray that everyone and everything will be okay, no matter what...that everything will work out somehow, no matter what...
<3 KeL*
'cept for the fact that my heart is overflowing with emotion...not just bad, very good ones too. at least, i hope they're good...i guess it all just depends on that whole dreaming too much vs. reality thing...but for now, i'll continue to believe they're good emotions until i'm proven wrong. ...good emotions such as when i went to subway for lunch today a memory flashed through my brain. i remembered driving out to the middle of nowhere to go get barbeque, but instead having to get subway...out in the town of in-breds hehe...then going to the KOA pool and someone jumping in with his mom's cell phone in his pocket lol...and the ride back, windows rolled down, all wet from the pool, his hat on my head sideways about to blow off my head and out of the car while "rapping" along with the radio...and, of course, who could forget what happened outside standing by his car, only four days after i'd met him...
those are the things that keep me smiling, no matter what. that is the kind of thing that reminds me that although there are bad emotions, there are good ones too...and it's all worth it, just to feel the good ones.
i think i'll go upstairs and lay down. cover myself with my dark blue fuzzy warm blanket and hold on tight to my bear (i know i'm seventeen, but get over it. i do what i do and i'm proud of it! lol). i'll turn on some soft music and pray that everyone and everything will be okay, no matter what...that everything will work out somehow, no matter what...
<3 KeL*