i wonder how 'dinner' went
how do i say this? i couldn't even find the words in person. we talked many times over the course of the night. i wish he didn't go when he did. and i don't know what else to wish because i couldn't be more contemplative right now. why does he impact me so? why? i asked him. after a long pause i reminded him that i asked him a question. he looked at me and said i think its the same reason you impact me so much. the next night, more talking. actually, like close to 4 hours of just sitting there and talking. i'm sure as hell not shy about how i felt about what he did, or how revolting i find his new "thing". that's all she is to me. i was so close to getting there and everything came to a hault. i made myself despise everything that once was, yet i know that it was everything i ever asked for. now what? i am SO SO SO caught up in thinking about where to take this. i also don't want to get my hopes up if nothing is going to happen, first of all. neeexxxt is that he really really hurt me and my feelings, and i was really good at handling it and trying to not let it get to me. once i realized that it was actually over and the reasons were bogus, well - then came the little jabs and punchlines when needed. and "coconuts" -- need i say more? (for some of you, YES because that makes no sense. but for those involved you know what i'm talking about lol.) and hey, he deserved it!! but oh well. even he said that he did deserve it. and the fact that he was there listening and actually agreeing to most of what i had to say meant something to me. i've made some changes to what i do these days, and i've made myself have different goals in a sense. i don't want to pass up something that meant so much to me and something so unbeleivably perfect that once was but at the same time - there are other obstacles in the way. more so, things that will be coming at me. most guys don't really care that you have a boyfriend, and that makes it difficult because just saying that isn't enough. me and my girls are a fucking TEAM! i like going out and having fun and thinking maybe i'll meet someone new or fun. knowing i still have options and just having a good time hanging out with everyone around. i also know for a fact i can handle not cheating on someone because i haven't.. it's just, try seeing someone on and off for two years and then having them want to have something going on the whole time i've been single. putting it off but having no real reason, which makes me feel mean but it's not like they're exactly "available" either. yet, like i said before. nobody seems to care anymore. grr, after all this, i think i know where i want to go with it when it comes down to my opinion. and it's like yeah. but like kate said "... and he needs to step up his game if he wants you back". God i love her. MOVING ON ------- on friday me, sadie and kate went shopping. got asked out by a cute cellphone salesman that tracked me down you could say. managed to buy lots of cute things, two of which being bathingsuits which i SO totally needed for this year. later came home and it was straight out where, all the above leads into. as for this week i only have tomorrow and friday off. that makes it harder to work out cause it means i'll have to get up earlier and do it before i go to work. yuck! i like sleeping in since i have a long shift ahead of me and all. luckily i like my coworkers and my job. haven't gotten sick of it yet :-] at all actually. that's definitely a good sign. i feel like it's really comfortable. not to mention i work for awesome people. that definitely tops it off. hahahahaha so saturday night, kate and i went to Bella Notte. that was funny. i saw a lot of people i knew! but by the time we had to go, it was last call and everyone was making their way out. i'm excited for this friday. either hitting up the BA for the last night of the summer. OR going to new hampshire to visit permanent holiday and party it upppp! i guess we shall see. i got a nice drunk dial from zanca tonight so i might just call back and see what he had in store for the weekend. no matter what, kate and i plan on hanging out but not sure what we'll end up doing.... i guess i should go to sleep. recover from this weekend and getting home around the time the sun comes up each night.