(no subject)
I have what might be the worst hangover I've had since my 21st birthday. I just... don't need to drink.
I have so much to do in the next three days. I have two papers to write, three finals to take, and an apartment to empty.
Aside from the cheating and lying, I guess I'm most suprised by my reaction to all of this. Yes; I am upset, but it's nothing near the way I felt the other three times he'd broken up with me. (All of those times I couldn't see that my existence does not have to be vaildated by a "relationship.")
It's my fault, too. I was so in love with the idea of him, the thought of what he could be that I was blinded to the fact that I didn't love him--the reality--anymore. I felt this way for months, yet I did nothing about it. I'm too passive, too afraid of hurting anyone. But...
Why? I knew he didn't love me and that I didn't really love him, but yet I held on. I guess I wanted it to work so bad...
Quite frankly, it all disgusts me. I should have stood up for myself, not taken an extra job so he could sit on his ass all day and sneak around with other women. Goddamn, I am so mad at myself for not having a spine! I paid for everything, every single bill for the three months we lived together, and he couldn't even keep a job for more than a week.
I have learned my lesson.
But you know what? Despite the sadness of losing someone I care for, I feel good, like a huge burden has been removed from my heart. I don't have to work two jobs anymore. I don't have to concern myself with anyone but me... and that feels good.
The three other times we'd broken up, I wanted nothing but to be with him again. This time I want... nothing. I mean it when I say that I'm done. I have given him far too many chances, and all he ever does is let me down.
I deserve so much better... but I don't plan on any more relationships for a long time. I just want to have fun being young and single... to only be concerned with myself (but not in a narcissistic sense). I am (or at least I like to believe) that I am a good person.
I see the light here, and I take comfort in knowing that I am going to be fine.
It is hard to cut someone out of your life, especially when he's been a part of it for two years. But it has to be done. I can't forever be his back-up plan. He'll always hold a special place in my heart, but I know I can never talk to or see him again. That's how it has to be, because I have to move on.
I hate that I'm writing all this. I mean
a)no one is going to care
b)it's kind of childish
c)I personally hate reading breakup blogs, so writing one makes me a hypocrite.
...but writing makes me feel better, so I'm going to do it. I'm just getting these emotions out.
I hate that I've even shed a tear over all this. I know that I'm not upset with my "losing" him, but upset with the knowledge that my idea of him, my idea of "us," was never real. I worked so hard to bring these ideas to fruition, but now I see that they're just ideas. They're not real; they never will be... but that doesn't mean that their death doesn't hurt like hell.
I mean it when I say that I never want to see him again. I know I'll probably have to, but I at least hope the gods are merciful enough that our required meetings (moving out and whatnot) are brief... and that he's not dumb enough to bring any ignorant whores around me. I honestly have no desire whatsoever to hold on to any part of him--friendship, memories, whatever. After this last fiasco, I saw that the Britt I love and the Britt I know are two different people.
I wish him no ill will. I could get pissed about his cheating, lying, using me, and refusing to stand up for me when his ex-girlfriend belittled me--but to get too angry about these things would be to hold on to him, and that's something I refuse to do. I just hate myself for not ending this sooner. I put up with too much...
I hope that he can find his "inner peace." I hope that he becomes aware of the fact that he has a good heart, that he can be successful--if he'd just try and not give up at the first blush of failure.
As for me, I know that I am going to be okay. I use this as another lesson, more proof to me that being passive is quite possibly my worst character trait. I'm going to work on that. I'm going to forgive myself and move on.
Now all I need is time.
And some more Maker's Mark. ;)
I have so much to do in the next three days. I have two papers to write, three finals to take, and an apartment to empty.
Aside from the cheating and lying, I guess I'm most suprised by my reaction to all of this. Yes; I am upset, but it's nothing near the way I felt the other three times he'd broken up with me. (All of those times I couldn't see that my existence does not have to be vaildated by a "relationship.")
It's my fault, too. I was so in love with the idea of him, the thought of what he could be that I was blinded to the fact that I didn't love him--the reality--anymore. I felt this way for months, yet I did nothing about it. I'm too passive, too afraid of hurting anyone. But...
Why? I knew he didn't love me and that I didn't really love him, but yet I held on. I guess I wanted it to work so bad...
Quite frankly, it all disgusts me. I should have stood up for myself, not taken an extra job so he could sit on his ass all day and sneak around with other women. Goddamn, I am so mad at myself for not having a spine! I paid for everything, every single bill for the three months we lived together, and he couldn't even keep a job for more than a week.
I have learned my lesson.
But you know what? Despite the sadness of losing someone I care for, I feel good, like a huge burden has been removed from my heart. I don't have to work two jobs anymore. I don't have to concern myself with anyone but me... and that feels good.
The three other times we'd broken up, I wanted nothing but to be with him again. This time I want... nothing. I mean it when I say that I'm done. I have given him far too many chances, and all he ever does is let me down.
I deserve so much better... but I don't plan on any more relationships for a long time. I just want to have fun being young and single... to only be concerned with myself (but not in a narcissistic sense). I am (or at least I like to believe) that I am a good person.
I see the light here, and I take comfort in knowing that I am going to be fine.
It is hard to cut someone out of your life, especially when he's been a part of it for two years. But it has to be done. I can't forever be his back-up plan. He'll always hold a special place in my heart, but I know I can never talk to or see him again. That's how it has to be, because I have to move on.
I hate that I'm writing all this. I mean
a)no one is going to care
b)it's kind of childish
c)I personally hate reading breakup blogs, so writing one makes me a hypocrite.
...but writing makes me feel better, so I'm going to do it. I'm just getting these emotions out.
I hate that I've even shed a tear over all this. I know that I'm not upset with my "losing" him, but upset with the knowledge that my idea of him, my idea of "us," was never real. I worked so hard to bring these ideas to fruition, but now I see that they're just ideas. They're not real; they never will be... but that doesn't mean that their death doesn't hurt like hell.
I mean it when I say that I never want to see him again. I know I'll probably have to, but I at least hope the gods are merciful enough that our required meetings (moving out and whatnot) are brief... and that he's not dumb enough to bring any ignorant whores around me. I honestly have no desire whatsoever to hold on to any part of him--friendship, memories, whatever. After this last fiasco, I saw that the Britt I love and the Britt I know are two different people.
I wish him no ill will. I could get pissed about his cheating, lying, using me, and refusing to stand up for me when his ex-girlfriend belittled me--but to get too angry about these things would be to hold on to him, and that's something I refuse to do. I just hate myself for not ending this sooner. I put up with too much...
I hope that he can find his "inner peace." I hope that he becomes aware of the fact that he has a good heart, that he can be successful--if he'd just try and not give up at the first blush of failure.
As for me, I know that I am going to be okay. I use this as another lesson, more proof to me that being passive is quite possibly my worst character trait. I'm going to work on that. I'm going to forgive myself and move on.
Now all I need is time.
And some more Maker's Mark. ;)