SpEeChLeSs
Its like 1:48..and 4 the firs time i don't know how 2 feel..I could cry..but i wouldnt know the reason..I don't know what road 2 take...But i want to take the one with the clear path..Bkuz in evry clear path there will be bumps..so i have 2 deal. I love him soo much...But the truth is he hurt me b4 like he hurt other gurls..Im affraid its gunna happen again..Theres a thing in thys world called karma..Hes never got it..But im not going to hurt myself in order for him 2 learn.. i thought a lot last night till 5 am..Im not willing to throw evrythin we've had and everything we could potentually have away.so he kan learn..a part of me wants 2 let go..but the other part is saying gawd gurl ur crazy.. Evry1 wants to be rewarded but evry1s to blind 2 c if u want big rewards you gotta take big risks..im willing to take that risk. Yes i am only 15 and i kno ppl say there will be others..but the truth is..i don't want any others...I dont ever want 2 never be with him..bkuz i will go in the worst depression. That im not ready 2 face. In my life..i've never really been happy up untill prolly this june..Evrything seemed to be blooming..a new love..a new best friend..and a new me. I dont want to go in depression again. I had a best friend b4..Who was my evrything...She walked in when the rest of the world walked out..She was there for me no matter what..and it seemed we never fought..she helped me so much..and i like 2 think i helped her 2.. but soon b4 our eyes could blink..we fought and fought..and said things i know we both wish we could take bak the bad things we sed..and the stop 2 our friendship..but it happend 4 a reason..i needed to see what it was like When noone was there..and it was tough..the worst rain i'd ever been in...But i made it thru the rain..And i like 2 think she made me grow a lot. Truth is i was affraid to let her go bkuz i was affraid of change...But i learned change isn't always a bad thing it is a good thing to...I talk 2 her now and shes still the same old goof ball..and i miss her tons..shes still in love with that one person..and i think we both wish deeply things were the same. It's amazing how ppl kan change...In the blink of an eye 10 ppl are changin..I look bak 3 yrs from now...and i remember it was the first day of school..noone really knew eathother..i had sarah..And i didnt know anyone but brigit..ha..But we all became so close..we all experienced new things..some good and some bad. First kisses,First fights, First best friends, first failing grade on a test, first peer pressure.. As these years went on faces started 2 dissapear from that school. A lot of ppl we were close with left.. 4 certain reasons...and kuz they didnt like it..Even i left. Its so werid to think it was just yesterday..We were in the cafeiteria and lisa was writin evry1s phone numbers on her friggin lunch bag lol..wow i kant believe i remeber that. Or brianna was organizing all of us 2 the movies..we took up two rows...haha. I do miss the past..but i dont...Ppl may have a rep 4 me..but frankly i dont even kare what they think..bkuz they mean nothing to me. Ppl will sumtimes look at me and say.."Oh thats the rapeists sister" If u wanna think or say that then be my guest..shame on u 4 thinking that. Because you don't even know the half of the story and if hes such a bad kid...How would he be at At one of the best schools in the country..Hes doin pre law at university of miami Fl. and im so proud of him...If any1 wants 2 talk or think shyt about my family..then be my guest..bkuz my true ones love my family...And if dont ..ur not even close to a true one. people sometimes refer to me as a "slut" in the past. oh please lol..seriosly..u dont even know what i've done..so dont even try to make me out as a bad person..i personally think im a good person.. i've never had sex..Taken a puff of a cigarette..Tried any drug..and i barley drink. Personally i think its not that great. Hearing this u must now think..im a "Straight edge" Well yeah mayb i am..but i've never really gotten in trouble ever and i'll be a straight edge all my life if it keeps me out of trouble. Some say im fake..a lier..ugly..toofaced..or a bytch.. But the truth is..If u think all of this about me..then u must think all this about u..bkuz im not even close to fake..Mayb i used to be but now im real 100% and im not affraid to show my emotions..A lier is what i used to be..bkuz i was affraid to get out of things..and unfortunatly i had to learn that the hard way. Ugly..well thats in your own opinion..sure that kan hurt when someone colls u that..but When ur family and ur best friend and your boyfriend tells you your beautiful. Noone elses opions matter to me.. Thankx ash 4 all the support when i was feeling down..and thankx matt..4 loving the real me..And my family..weve been thru alot thankx 4 holdin on. i've got three years till i graduate..i don't know where i'll be..i don't know if i'll be will the one i want to be with..or if i'll even be alive. But You can't be worried about evrything..you need to just focus on the present and whatever the future brings..well it happend 4 the best..bkuz God never did anything to hurt you..it was to get you out of the worst. If we were able to know what happends in our future..then we would change it all..thats why the future is not writen down. THe past is writen down..The present is recordings...and the future is like the wind..you kant see it..but you can feel it comeing with your reactions in your present. Last night i was about to make the biggest mistake of my life..By letting the one thing in my life im happy about..go away. Mayb he will hurt me again mayb he wont..But if its not ment 2 be its not ment 2 be. We met out of nowhere..And we ended up somewhere..so i like 2 think we were ment 2 be. Ash your boyfriend loves you to death..and he never felt the way he did 4 anyone b4 he ment u..Hes never going to hurt you..even when hes on vacation! lol keep your head up gurl..kuz Ur about 2 experience love. Before matt there was no others like him..well one other..who herd the words of "i love you" But we didn't even mean it" I thought i was happy but i aparently wasnt or else i wuldnt have broken up with him 4 one of his friends..I asked amanda that night what do i do..and she sed Im not gunna tell u..follow ur heart. I followed it the right way. And im so thankful she didn't tell me what to do..bkuz who knows where i would be right now. He is not even the person i thought he was... Hes what you call a bad person... he hurt me 4 a friend of myne..and me and her started hateing eathother bkuz of him..how kuld i ever let that happen...trutly i was soo jelious when she was with him..But i had to let it go..i guess i never got over him..Untill the day i saw him the night b4 i was going to be with matt... I saw him and it wasn't him at all..it was a different person..Someone who does drugs..looks gross..And breaks a lot of hearts. That day i knew there and then..im over this kid..thank God. Then i met my pride and joy..hes the best thing thats ever happen 2 me in a while. Me and brianna soon relized this is supid..I dont hate u...i hated what we did over him..bkuz he wasnt worth it. i tried 2 help her and tell her 2 be careful but ppl thought i just wanted to know stuff..truth is..i didnt want to know anything..bkuz it would effect me. Im here now..about to be a sophmore..never hurt anyone..with a bestest friend..who i cherrish our 103930 joke..and love 2 death..And my boyfriend..Who im going to be with forever. or at least untill its not possible. I love you babi..and im sorry that i got scared of ur past..But im giving you another chance..dont mess it up..or else.. Some of u probably arn't reading this line bkuz you culd kare less..but 4 thoose of you who are..This is my Auto biography..the real me..So next time you want to judge me for something im not..read this and u kan tell yourself im wrong..xOxo