unappealing plot summaries
From PostModernBarney.com
300: Gays kill blacks.
ALIEN: Ship fails to deliver cargo, crew don’t get bonus.
ALIENS: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.
BATMAN: Wealthy man assaults the mentally ill.
BEAUTY AND THE BEAST: Peasant girl develops Stockholm Syndrome.
BENJI: Family abandons beloved pet, forcing it to engage in a dangerous cross-country journey.
BEOWULF: Colonists hire assassin to drive natives from land.
BLADE: Obsessed loner stalks minority group.
BOOGIE NIGHTS: Deformed boy goaded into life of crime.
BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER: Teenage serial killer destroys town in fit of semi-religious fervor.
CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY: Deranged pedophile big-business industrialist tortures and mutilates young children.
CHEERS: Alcoholic cuts lime in bar as penance for his womanizing ways.
CHRISTMAS VACATION: Incestuous relatives teach family the meaning of Christmas.
CLERKS: Aimless loser remains in dead-end job, abusive “friendship.”
CUJO: Family neglects to give family pet rabies shots, pays price.
DAREDEVIL: Blind man pisses off crime boss, gets all his girl-friends killed.
DEBBIE DOES DALLAS: Cheerleaders develop valuable entrepreneurial skills.
DELIVERANCE: Tourists experience local hospitality.
DIE HARD: Dysfunctional cop saves marriage by murdering foreign national.
DOCTOR WHO: Elderly man serially abducts young women.
DRACULA: Immigrant clashes with locals.
E.T.: Out-of-control pet causes mayhem, sadness.
FANTASTIC FOUR: Scientist exposes friends, family to dangerous radiation to assuage ego, becomes embroiled in rivalry with former room-mate.
FERRIS BUELLER’S DAY OFF: Amoral narcissist makes world dance for his amusement.
FIELD OF DREAMS: Schizophrenic builds ball park, almost kills girl.
FIREFLY: In an analogue of the post-Civil War west, a white man on the losing side bosses around a black woman.
FRANKENSTEIN: Scientific advancement proves unpopular with general public.
SERENITY: Men fight for possession of scantily clad mentally ill teenage girl.
GHOSTBUSTERS: Unemployed college professors destroy hotel with nuclear weapons.
GLADIATOR: Convict murders head of state.
GONE WITH THE WIND: Rich, white slave owner enjoys getting raped, miscarries.
GREMLINS: Distant father ruins son’s life, puts entire town at risk.
HAIR: Hippie dodges draft, dies ironically.
HALLOWEEN: Babysitter’s relationship with murderer places children in danger.
HARRY POTTER: Celebrity Jock thinks rules don’t apply to him, is right.
HIGHLANDER: Elderly immigrant destroys property.
IRON MAN: Alcoholic rich white man with technology fetish goes vigilante.
JUNO: Teen fails to get abortion, ruins lives.
JURASSIC PARK: Theme park’s grand opening pushed back.
KARATE KID: Boy gains acceptance through violence.
KILL BILL: Irresponsible mother wants custody of her child.
KING KONG: Endangered animal stolen, shot.
LABYRINTH: Girl is negligent baby-sitter.
LOLITA: Man encourages step-daughter to take chances.
LORD OF THE RINGS: Midget destroys stolen property.
MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL: British comedy troupe inadvertently creates language lab for nerds.
MY GIRL: Boy killed by female friend’s irresponsibility.
OF MICE AND MEN: Migrant farmer murders mentally handicapped friend.
POLTERGEIST: Pot-head parents lose child, ruin property values.
PREDATOR: American military-industrial complex ruins first contact with alien life.
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE: Woman with gold-digging mother nags wealthy man into marriage.
PYGMALION: Urchin cured by social betters.
RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK: American yahoo murders soldiers and desecrates religious artifacts for money.
RATATOUILLE: Vermin infest restaurant until it is forced to close doors.
RISKY BUSINESS: Privileged rich kid gets everything he wants with no consequences.
ROAD HOUSE: Bouncer becomes vigilante, murders local businessman with karate.
ROBIN HOOD: Disgruntled veteran protests taxes.
ROCKY: White man beats black man.
ROSEMARY’S BABY: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.
SCARFACE: Immigrant finds running his own business stressful, dangerous.
SCHINDLER’S LIST: Wealthy industrialist expands not-for-profit ventures.
SE7EN: Homicide detectives unable to prevent even a single murder by admitted serial killer, killer gives cop head.
SIGNS: Jesus trumps science.
SILENCE OF THE LAMBS: Incompetent manipulated by several murderers, stumbles upon suspect completely by accident. Creates situation that allows serial killer to escape.
SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS: Layabout stepdaughter shacks up with seven miners.
SOPHIE’S CHOICE: Mom loves one of her kids way more than the other one.
SPIDER-MAN: Nerd gets bitten by spider, complains about how this ruins his life for years to come.
STAR TREK: Over-sexed officer routinely places crew in danger.
STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE: Religious extremist terrorists destroy government installation, killing thousands.
STAR WARS: EMPIRE STRIKES BACK: Boy is abused by midget, kisses sister, attempts patricide.
STAR WARS: RETURN OF THE JEDI: Handicapped mass murderer kills septugenarian, is lauded.
SWEENEY TODD: Businesses flourish when freed from stringent regulation.
TERMINATOR: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.
TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: Tourists have difficulty with regional cuisine.
THE EXORCIST: Jesus trumps science.
THE GOONIES: Physically abused, retarded man finds love with overweight preteen.
THE MATRIX: Hacker is given perfect justification for mass slaughter.
THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS: Dangerous insurgent invades neighboring country.
THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST: Mel Gibson fulfills fantasy of showing a Jew beaten to a bloody pulp and killed on-screen.
THE X-MEN: Minority group seeks overthrow of social order.
TITANIC: Crazy old widow disregards lifelong memories of husband, children, and grandchildren in favor of that one time she fucked a bum.
TOP GUN: Pilot routinely endangers Air Traffic Controllers.
TORCHWOOD: Bisexual is inefficient manager.
TWILIGHT: Girl gives up college for stalker.
BREAKING DAWN: Native American guy is romantically obsessed with ex-girlfriend’s baby.
WALL-E: Obsolete robot disrupts big business, disrupts lives of millions of innocent civilians.
WAR OF THE WORLDS: Immigrants face difficulty acclimating.
WONDER WOMAN: Princess from isolationist culture lectures Americans on equality.
300: Gays kill blacks.
ALIEN: Ship fails to deliver cargo, crew don’t get bonus.
ALIENS: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.
BATMAN: Wealthy man assaults the mentally ill.
BEAUTY AND THE BEAST: Peasant girl develops Stockholm Syndrome.
BENJI: Family abandons beloved pet, forcing it to engage in a dangerous cross-country journey.
BEOWULF: Colonists hire assassin to drive natives from land.
BLADE: Obsessed loner stalks minority group.
BOOGIE NIGHTS: Deformed boy goaded into life of crime.
BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER: Teenage serial killer destroys town in fit of semi-religious fervor.
CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY: Deranged pedophile big-business industrialist tortures and mutilates young children.
CHEERS: Alcoholic cuts lime in bar as penance for his womanizing ways.
CHRISTMAS VACATION: Incestuous relatives teach family the meaning of Christmas.
CLERKS: Aimless loser remains in dead-end job, abusive “friendship.”
CUJO: Family neglects to give family pet rabies shots, pays price.
DAREDEVIL: Blind man pisses off crime boss, gets all his girl-friends killed.
DEBBIE DOES DALLAS: Cheerleaders develop valuable entrepreneurial skills.
DELIVERANCE: Tourists experience local hospitality.
DIE HARD: Dysfunctional cop saves marriage by murdering foreign national.
DOCTOR WHO: Elderly man serially abducts young women.
DRACULA: Immigrant clashes with locals.
E.T.: Out-of-control pet causes mayhem, sadness.
FANTASTIC FOUR: Scientist exposes friends, family to dangerous radiation to assuage ego, becomes embroiled in rivalry with former room-mate.
FERRIS BUELLER’S DAY OFF: Amoral narcissist makes world dance for his amusement.
FIELD OF DREAMS: Schizophrenic builds ball park, almost kills girl.
FIREFLY: In an analogue of the post-Civil War west, a white man on the losing side bosses around a black woman.
FRANKENSTEIN: Scientific advancement proves unpopular with general public.
SERENITY: Men fight for possession of scantily clad mentally ill teenage girl.
GHOSTBUSTERS: Unemployed college professors destroy hotel with nuclear weapons.
GLADIATOR: Convict murders head of state.
GONE WITH THE WIND: Rich, white slave owner enjoys getting raped, miscarries.
GREMLINS: Distant father ruins son’s life, puts entire town at risk.
HAIR: Hippie dodges draft, dies ironically.
HALLOWEEN: Babysitter’s relationship with murderer places children in danger.
HARRY POTTER: Celebrity Jock thinks rules don’t apply to him, is right.
HIGHLANDER: Elderly immigrant destroys property.
IRON MAN: Alcoholic rich white man with technology fetish goes vigilante.
JUNO: Teen fails to get abortion, ruins lives.
JURASSIC PARK: Theme park’s grand opening pushed back.
KARATE KID: Boy gains acceptance through violence.
KILL BILL: Irresponsible mother wants custody of her child.
KING KONG: Endangered animal stolen, shot.
LABYRINTH: Girl is negligent baby-sitter.
LOLITA: Man encourages step-daughter to take chances.
LORD OF THE RINGS: Midget destroys stolen property.
MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL: British comedy troupe inadvertently creates language lab for nerds.
MY GIRL: Boy killed by female friend’s irresponsibility.
OF MICE AND MEN: Migrant farmer murders mentally handicapped friend.
POLTERGEIST: Pot-head parents lose child, ruin property values.
PREDATOR: American military-industrial complex ruins first contact with alien life.
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE: Woman with gold-digging mother nags wealthy man into marriage.
PYGMALION: Urchin cured by social betters.
RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK: American yahoo murders soldiers and desecrates religious artifacts for money.
RATATOUILLE: Vermin infest restaurant until it is forced to close doors.
RISKY BUSINESS: Privileged rich kid gets everything he wants with no consequences.
ROAD HOUSE: Bouncer becomes vigilante, murders local businessman with karate.
ROBIN HOOD: Disgruntled veteran protests taxes.
ROCKY: White man beats black man.
ROSEMARY’S BABY: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.
SCARFACE: Immigrant finds running his own business stressful, dangerous.
SCHINDLER’S LIST: Wealthy industrialist expands not-for-profit ventures.
SE7EN: Homicide detectives unable to prevent even a single murder by admitted serial killer, killer gives cop head.
SIGNS: Jesus trumps science.
SILENCE OF THE LAMBS: Incompetent manipulated by several murderers, stumbles upon suspect completely by accident. Creates situation that allows serial killer to escape.
SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS: Layabout stepdaughter shacks up with seven miners.
SOPHIE’S CHOICE: Mom loves one of her kids way more than the other one.
SPIDER-MAN: Nerd gets bitten by spider, complains about how this ruins his life for years to come.
STAR TREK: Over-sexed officer routinely places crew in danger.
STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE: Religious extremist terrorists destroy government installation, killing thousands.
STAR WARS: EMPIRE STRIKES BACK: Boy is abused by midget, kisses sister, attempts patricide.
STAR WARS: RETURN OF THE JEDI: Handicapped mass murderer kills septugenarian, is lauded.
SWEENEY TODD: Businesses flourish when freed from stringent regulation.
TERMINATOR: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications.
TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: Tourists have difficulty with regional cuisine.
THE EXORCIST: Jesus trumps science.
THE GOONIES: Physically abused, retarded man finds love with overweight preteen.
THE MATRIX: Hacker is given perfect justification for mass slaughter.
THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS: Dangerous insurgent invades neighboring country.
THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST: Mel Gibson fulfills fantasy of showing a Jew beaten to a bloody pulp and killed on-screen.
THE X-MEN: Minority group seeks overthrow of social order.
TITANIC: Crazy old widow disregards lifelong memories of husband, children, and grandchildren in favor of that one time she fucked a bum.
TOP GUN: Pilot routinely endangers Air Traffic Controllers.
TORCHWOOD: Bisexual is inefficient manager.
TWILIGHT: Girl gives up college for stalker.
BREAKING DAWN: Native American guy is romantically obsessed with ex-girlfriend’s baby.
WALL-E: Obsolete robot disrupts big business, disrupts lives of millions of innocent civilians.
WAR OF THE WORLDS: Immigrants face difficulty acclimating.
WONDER WOMAN: Princess from isolationist culture lectures Americans on equality.