I hurt- so I hurt you, but I can't tell I'm doing it.
When we have mental illness, sometimes we may end up abusive to the people we love the most. Sometimes its even impossible for us to be aware that we are being abusive. We can't blame our actions and words on the illness. When we start to be abusive to people, it may even feel like we are being abused and manipulated.
Our minds get pretty fragile and its hard to get out of the paranoia and anger that comes with these kinds of situations. This is why getting help or having a non-biased party intervene is so important. When we have anxiety, depression, mania? It may be hard to see past the ends of our own noses. Perspective just goes out the window.
Now put TWO people together with these severe problems but they could even be different problems. Not that I'd ever say not to be with someone who doesn't have mental illness if you do, but realize that if neither of you are healthy, that you will feed each other's issues. It becomes a toxic spiral that ends in explosions.
I've been on both sides of these situations, some particularly toxic where both people were abusive because of their own turmoil, and its only looking back that you can see how your mind was actually causing you to act out. There was not a slight. I've also been gaslit, which has caused me to be very absive in OTHER relationships because my trust was destroyed. Our baggage is heavy and even when we think we are being strong or perceptive, we may just be hurting people.
When people act out from mental illness, I'm generally able to take it for what it is, because I've been around it so long. Most people, however expect their loved ones to still behave like they know them. The problem in some cases is that they may not really know them. That's a conversation for another day.
The main thing you will find letting yourself down more than ANYTHING else possible when you are severely mentally ill is your expectations from others. Your actual wants and what you think you need may be far past the scale of what they can handle, and even an inaction that had no meaning may feel like a complete slight to you. I expected the moon from some people, from putting up with me drinking and crying and freaking out to my temper tantrums to being self-harming and worrying them.
We can't be someone else's happiness. We aren't the cure. Slight elation and happiness will always fade back to the issues.
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Today Brian and I had a good conversation about my own issues and how I handle them. I thanked him for being there for me. He said that he doesn't really feel like he's there for me enough, but the reality is this:
He's not a therapist. He doesn't understand or know my problems or how to help me with them. All I need from him is for him to be patient with me and do the few things I need, like get me medication, get me to appointments and to know my triggers, even if he doesn't understand them. I trust that he will do these things.
On the other side, with Brandon: I can be there for him and I can try to help and sometimes I can even offer advice if its forced out of me but at the end of the day, I can't fix anything. I can only try to be there. I ask questions and try to probe a bit. Sometimes I try to just be there but a lot of the time I also feel like I fall short of helping him with care, but at the end of the day, even if he had my support and help constantly, it would eventually go back to him having to manage things himself because I can't fix it.
All I need from him is to be patient with me while I manage things that are messed up with me, and for him to make sure he's taking care of himself. Its pretty simple. I trust that he will work on things because I know he wants to.
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The breaking point:
And then there is the point you can't help anymore or be there. Sometimes you just can't cope any more. It becomes so painful to see somoene dealing with things, or if they are being manipulative or abusive, you can't take it or you're making yourself unwell and you can't see a change. If people don't get help, others will eventually break. Compromise and patience come to many people in limited quantities.
This is true for friends too. I have friends that I talk to about super serious stuff. Most of them are the kind of friends who understand things I've been through so I don't need to say much for them to know how I feel. Its important to have friends like that. Just not having to educate someone about a problem helps cause then they're not looking at you to pity you, they're looking at you to support you.
Back to abuse:
Its a good idea to write things down to reflect. Think about how your behavior would affect you from the other side. Try to be fair. If someone tells you that you hurt them or you're hurting them, please try to listen. Try not to blame someone else or tell them that you resent things you have done or said to make them feel guilty. Sometimes, its just being abusive to be overly demanding or expecting things out of people that they can not manage. Be aware of passive aggressive things. I used to be really bad about this myself so when I see other people do it I sometimes wonder if they even realize they're doing it.
Anyway, that's enough rambling.