Going in Circles
This anger I have is just impossible to deal with.
20 min rule
So a friend of mine uses this 20 min rule. What happens is, when you feel yourself getting explosively angry, say, "I need 20 min." And during this 20 min you do not think about anything that was just happening. Stop whatever conversation you're having, stop thinking about whatever your thinking, stop doing whatever you're doing. Stop everything and start doing something else. Then, 20 min later, come back to the conversation or activity or whatever and figure out what made the anger start.
I'm stressed. My patience hardly exists. I have little patience to begin with. It sucks for me to be interrupted while trying to get things done. I hardly have time enough to sit down and breathe, let alone shoot the bull. I"M SO FUCKING ANGRY RIGHT NOW!
God damnit.
I can't be this angry about one phone call. What sense would that make. One phone call where he was laid back, taking his time to talk, and I didn't have time for him to be taking. Yes, angry, that makes sense. But this pissed off?
The only reason I'm questioning (other than a friend told me I should)... the only thing inside me that is saying, "Hey, wait a minute" is the fact that I'm angry, but I don't want to cause physical harm to the one who pissed me off. I just want to destroy everything. Make someone hurt, regardless of who it is. Just so long as I can stay pissed at them and think they deserve it... which they probably don't. I want to scream. I want to cry... mostly ... I want to cry.
Upon finding what I thought pissed me off so much... this foggy wave of confusion began taking away all ability for me to think, let alone focus on whatever I just figured out. it seems like when I get somewhere that's helpful, my brain just shuts off and says, "Ok, so I'm not angry any more." But if I go back to it later, I'm still really pissed. Enough to start yelling, to pick a fight, to hit someone with a force that would probably break them. But I don't care. Wounds heal.
Fuck... pissed again...
*breathing*
I need to find where this anger is coming from, but I'm afraid I'll regret it as soon as I do.