The stars are stacked against you girl get back in bed
16 days to Nicaragua and I'm frightened, and relieved.
Frightened because I don't think I'm cut out to do this, to speak in only Spanish for 10 days, to build a school, to change people's lives, to not wash clothes for 10 days, to be with 9 other girls, to step this far out of my comfort zone. But relieved because I need this relief. I loved going to Ukraine because traveling frees me from everything here. I don't want to have a cellphone with me. I don't want to check email or use the internet. I don't want to talk to anyone who isn't sitting next to me or standing beside me. I don't want to think. I'm tired of thinking about anything from academics to the person on the other side of the phone. Here, here standing in the land where the roads are paved with gold, we worry about everything. We're always desperately trying to achieve perfection, when perfection is unattainable. Stop trying to achieve it, and you will inevitably feel left behind, left out, trampled. But when you're traveling, there are no standards beyond politeness and modesty. No standards. You are quieter. You listen more. You smile more. You cry less. You reflect more. You react implusively less. I love traveling. It's relief that I cannot find here. It's fun to step into another person's world, to find out why they tick the way they do and what makes their world turn. It's fun to be the first person someone's seen from another country---it's fun to break stereotypes. It's fun to flirt, to laugh, to dance, to be freer than you ever are here. This is what I want to do--live somewhere else, away from this. Perhaps away from certain people, or the pressures felt from others. Sever ties, perhaps.
16 days. I'm panicking that I won't be ready.
But I should be focusing on my finals. I have to study French pretty much all day tomorrow. Then I have to work on my EU essay and read for Human Rights. And then I have to study French. Monday I have my French exam at 9am until 12pm. Then I write my EU essay all afternoon and then I write my Human Rights essay all night and all morning. Then I finish packing up my room.
And then I have to get to a ride to Pittsburgh for my 2pm flight. Then I fly to Philadelphia. And then I go home and sleep all fucking night. And then I do shit for 9 days. And then I fly back here on May 20th at 1pm. Then I drive to Meadville to get there by 3pm. Then I drive back to Pittsburgh at 3am. And then I fly to Nicaragua at 7am. Holy fuck. Then I fly back on May 31st. I go to a hotel. I crash there. I get up. I fly back to Philadelphia 11am. I sleep. A lot. June 1st. I do nothing for 9 days. I get in a car and drive 7 hours by myself for the first time across the state and back to school. I hope I don't die in the process.
Then I spend a fuckload of time in Meadville, a decision I'm regretting now. I'll survive. I think.
I'm so eager to graduate because I actually want to DO something. I feel stifled and trapped.
But I don't think I'll ever be ready to face the environment in DC.
Frightened because I don't think I'm cut out to do this, to speak in only Spanish for 10 days, to build a school, to change people's lives, to not wash clothes for 10 days, to be with 9 other girls, to step this far out of my comfort zone. But relieved because I need this relief. I loved going to Ukraine because traveling frees me from everything here. I don't want to have a cellphone with me. I don't want to check email or use the internet. I don't want to talk to anyone who isn't sitting next to me or standing beside me. I don't want to think. I'm tired of thinking about anything from academics to the person on the other side of the phone. Here, here standing in the land where the roads are paved with gold, we worry about everything. We're always desperately trying to achieve perfection, when perfection is unattainable. Stop trying to achieve it, and you will inevitably feel left behind, left out, trampled. But when you're traveling, there are no standards beyond politeness and modesty. No standards. You are quieter. You listen more. You smile more. You cry less. You reflect more. You react implusively less. I love traveling. It's relief that I cannot find here. It's fun to step into another person's world, to find out why they tick the way they do and what makes their world turn. It's fun to be the first person someone's seen from another country---it's fun to break stereotypes. It's fun to flirt, to laugh, to dance, to be freer than you ever are here. This is what I want to do--live somewhere else, away from this. Perhaps away from certain people, or the pressures felt from others. Sever ties, perhaps.
16 days. I'm panicking that I won't be ready.
But I should be focusing on my finals. I have to study French pretty much all day tomorrow. Then I have to work on my EU essay and read for Human Rights. And then I have to study French. Monday I have my French exam at 9am until 12pm. Then I write my EU essay all afternoon and then I write my Human Rights essay all night and all morning. Then I finish packing up my room.
And then I have to get to a ride to Pittsburgh for my 2pm flight. Then I fly to Philadelphia. And then I go home and sleep all fucking night. And then I do shit for 9 days. And then I fly back here on May 20th at 1pm. Then I drive to Meadville to get there by 3pm. Then I drive back to Pittsburgh at 3am. And then I fly to Nicaragua at 7am. Holy fuck. Then I fly back on May 31st. I go to a hotel. I crash there. I get up. I fly back to Philadelphia 11am. I sleep. A lot. June 1st. I do nothing for 9 days. I get in a car and drive 7 hours by myself for the first time across the state and back to school. I hope I don't die in the process.
Then I spend a fuckload of time in Meadville, a decision I'm regretting now. I'll survive. I think.
I'm so eager to graduate because I actually want to DO something. I feel stifled and trapped.
But I don't think I'll ever be ready to face the environment in DC.