um
please tell me... why am i still awake??????????????????????????????????????????????
ugh... this is not going well................
im really a loser.. summers almost over- i miss camp. ive yet to get together with anyone from pen argyl and/or lvpa.. i know i put pen argyl down a lot- but i did have 2 or 3 real good friends from there, and now theyve just all forgotten, and they dont care.. damnit, and lvpa- well.. its more aquatinces (i cant spell) then friends there anyway.. im just... sick of always feeling so lonely.. i miss camp, or did i already include that in this entry?
i know one thing for sure: ive gone over a month now (im pretty sure) with no SI.. and a lot of stuff has gone on in the past month, and ive delt with it in a 'normal' manner. and i am proud of myself. i need to grow up- learn that im entering my senior yr of high school- that i have to be a big person and instead of always needing other people to keep me safe, i need to do it myself.. stop being such a baby.. ok, so a lot of shitty things have happened, move on. riiiiiight- so much easier said then done, but really.. i know im a loser for everything... everrrrrything..
missed a session with the therapist last week cause i went down to shenandoah univeristy/conservatory after visiting elizabethtown, which was after shadowing a music therapist at hershey hospital... hmm, yeah. little bit of a road trip, eh? no idea how we ended up sleeping in a hotel and spending a day in virginia.. and all we had was the clothes on our back.. wonderful.. wonderful.. no meds either, bad- but it worked out fine.. and it was needed.. mom and i didnt fight AT ALL.. but.. yeah now that we're home thats all changed again.. ugh... so i dont have an appt this week with the ass either, its not my fault she hasnt called..
what is the purpose of this entry?.. duh
I CANT MAKE MY MIND UP ABOUT MARCHING BAND.. marching band was my life.. marching band and musical theater- though now my self esteem as dropped below sea level and i havent done any shows outside of school since 8th grade, and thats pathetic.. but ANYWAY- marching band.. i found marching band when i was 5.. yes 5 years old.. i started just helping out wherever a 5 yr old was needed, moved flags off the field, carried banners, etc..in 3rd grade i played in the stands, and by 5th i was marching with my sax out on the field.. marching band was my life.. practicly my idendity.. and i didnt miss ONE year of it until last year, when i went away all summer- and i missed band camp.. plus, its much more complicated now going to the performing arts school and trying to fit in doing pen argyl marching band which you once practicly ruled and now youre scum.. but i did it my first year out of pen argyl, and it worked.. and i know i could do it and make it work again.. BECAUSE THIS IS IT!!! senior year- and i dont know where im going to college, but im NOT doing marching band there because im not going to set myself up for another failure because i know i couldnt handle it.. so this is all ive got.. pen argyls marching band.. senior year of hs.. part of me died leaving pen argyls music program in the first place (which is stupid cause pen argyls music program SUCKS).. but i dont know what to do.... there are a couple VERY welcoming people that want me back.. and then there are those (who'd i least except) who just plain out ignore me.. and they were my BEST FRIENDS.. what the FUCK?????? yikes.. i hate this... AND, pen argyls director is no longer pen argyls director.. and that was a bad situation back when i was in pen argyl with her, too.. ive known her since i was 5--- NOW she left PEN ARGYL to teach at LVPA.. woah nelly.. now, i have no problem, im excited for it, it'll work at my school.. but there are a few pen argyl people who may treat me like trash because i "stole" their director... AHH, the madnessssss
ugh... this is not going well................
im really a loser.. summers almost over- i miss camp. ive yet to get together with anyone from pen argyl and/or lvpa.. i know i put pen argyl down a lot- but i did have 2 or 3 real good friends from there, and now theyve just all forgotten, and they dont care.. damnit, and lvpa- well.. its more aquatinces (i cant spell) then friends there anyway.. im just... sick of always feeling so lonely.. i miss camp, or did i already include that in this entry?
i know one thing for sure: ive gone over a month now (im pretty sure) with no SI.. and a lot of stuff has gone on in the past month, and ive delt with it in a 'normal' manner. and i am proud of myself. i need to grow up- learn that im entering my senior yr of high school- that i have to be a big person and instead of always needing other people to keep me safe, i need to do it myself.. stop being such a baby.. ok, so a lot of shitty things have happened, move on. riiiiiight- so much easier said then done, but really.. i know im a loser for everything... everrrrrything..
missed a session with the therapist last week cause i went down to shenandoah univeristy/conservatory after visiting elizabethtown, which was after shadowing a music therapist at hershey hospital... hmm, yeah. little bit of a road trip, eh? no idea how we ended up sleeping in a hotel and spending a day in virginia.. and all we had was the clothes on our back.. wonderful.. wonderful.. no meds either, bad- but it worked out fine.. and it was needed.. mom and i didnt fight AT ALL.. but.. yeah now that we're home thats all changed again.. ugh... so i dont have an appt this week with the ass either, its not my fault she hasnt called..
what is the purpose of this entry?.. duh
I CANT MAKE MY MIND UP ABOUT MARCHING BAND.. marching band was my life.. marching band and musical theater- though now my self esteem as dropped below sea level and i havent done any shows outside of school since 8th grade, and thats pathetic.. but ANYWAY- marching band.. i found marching band when i was 5.. yes 5 years old.. i started just helping out wherever a 5 yr old was needed, moved flags off the field, carried banners, etc..in 3rd grade i played in the stands, and by 5th i was marching with my sax out on the field.. marching band was my life.. practicly my idendity.. and i didnt miss ONE year of it until last year, when i went away all summer- and i missed band camp.. plus, its much more complicated now going to the performing arts school and trying to fit in doing pen argyl marching band which you once practicly ruled and now youre scum.. but i did it my first year out of pen argyl, and it worked.. and i know i could do it and make it work again.. BECAUSE THIS IS IT!!! senior year- and i dont know where im going to college, but im NOT doing marching band there because im not going to set myself up for another failure because i know i couldnt handle it.. so this is all ive got.. pen argyls marching band.. senior year of hs.. part of me died leaving pen argyls music program in the first place (which is stupid cause pen argyls music program SUCKS).. but i dont know what to do.... there are a couple VERY welcoming people that want me back.. and then there are those (who'd i least except) who just plain out ignore me.. and they were my BEST FRIENDS.. what the FUCK?????? yikes.. i hate this... AND, pen argyls director is no longer pen argyls director.. and that was a bad situation back when i was in pen argyl with her, too.. ive known her since i was 5--- NOW she left PEN ARGYL to teach at LVPA.. woah nelly.. now, i have no problem, im excited for it, it'll work at my school.. but there are a few pen argyl people who may treat me like trash because i "stole" their director... AHH, the madnessssss