Jessica Elizabeth Pagenhardt <3
i cant believe what today ended up having in store for me.. around 2ish i got a phone call from the pagenhardts- ended up meeting Chris and Matt at JP's grave, we knew no other place to meet- we live extremely far apart from one another- so that was easiest. And of course, it had to start down pouring as we got there... they got out of Chris's car and came in mine, we talked for awhile... a long while.. and as the rain lessened a bit we went outside and stood under the mosaleium..? (i dont know how to spell it) but it was nice, we just stood there, taking everything in... i learned that JP was cremated today.. wow.. that they burried them in the ground where her tombstone is.. rather interesting.. but it was so odd, talking about JP freely... sharing good stories, happy ones, shared laughter.. it was nice.. First time talking about Jess where I wasnt being accused of worshiping her and what she did.. It was so nice.. and then I followed them somewhere, i have no idea where i was- but it was Chris's girlfriends house, they just had a baby on thursday! She is a precious angel.. Hannah Elizabeth, and her middle name is after Jess's middle name.. i just couldnt bear to hold her.. it was actually quite emotional.. But it was great.. and Chris called their mom and she came over- i havent seen these people for 3 years, so it was so amazing to see them again.. and to be able to share those stories and everything. I think it was something we all needed-- to sit and share the good memories of her.. Her mom looked at me with tears in her eyes, i love her, i really do. last summer while i was away she had sent a card, in it she included that she "wanted to make sure her other pixie will be okay"... she went on to tell me how she thinks of me everyday and worries.. i dont know why she cares so much? cause im obsessed with that other pixie of hers whose dead?.. yikes, shut up kristen.. the Pagenhardt family is amazing, and they've gone through so much.. hell, they lost a sister, and a beloved daughter- but today was smiled, we laughed.. we watched that little hannah as she moved around and made little noises.. Donna (their mom) was holding her and going off about how when Jess was a baby she would put her arms up this way and that way.. and it was just so nice to hear stories about her.. except that damn, i never realized what a druggie she was.. her and chris always used to hang out in woods by their house with friends-- they decided whoever died first would be cremated and they would smoke their ashes-- say WHAT?? haha. JP said that if they smoked her's there'd be enough pot in her lungs to get their whole block high.. She was so cute, damnit.. well.. here is Hannah, these pictures suck cause they are from my cell phone- but I tried to capture all I could...
^^^^Hannah Elizabeth and Daddy (chris)
its like, with the stories being told and that little precious baby there- it was like JP was living through her.. if that made any sense.. Chris really has a good handle on it all now- he said that whenever he thinks of her, he knows shed rather him go out driving or hiking rather going and sitting at her grave.. hmmm, that was almost a slap in the face.. i like sitting there, oh well.. all in all, it was a good day.. emotional like woah, but you know something- i didnt cry one bit.. it was great
we also realized, that my sister is due on october 25th.. it never dawned on me that if she holds that baby in just a few more days it can be born on JP's birthday.. and damnit, that would be so wonderful.. I kinda suck that Ive named the baby (if its a girl) it's Sarah Michaela.... I think Sarah Elizabeth sounds just as good.. too bad i'll never have any kids, it'd be so great to name her with a little bit of JP into it...
donna loved my car, and all the tinkerbell stuff.. and my liscense plate.. bleve.. she called me her pixie today.. and as she was holding hannah, she also said, "well maybe it looks like i have 3 pixies now! and you are the littlest one of all.." ... it just makes me want to cry.. I want JP back..
ya know, today totally took my mind off of some of the really crappy stuff ive been thinking about lately.. but now that i just brought it up again, yeah, its all too real. damn me.
^^^^Hannah Elizabeth and Daddy (chris)
its like, with the stories being told and that little precious baby there- it was like JP was living through her.. if that made any sense.. Chris really has a good handle on it all now- he said that whenever he thinks of her, he knows shed rather him go out driving or hiking rather going and sitting at her grave.. hmmm, that was almost a slap in the face.. i like sitting there, oh well.. all in all, it was a good day.. emotional like woah, but you know something- i didnt cry one bit.. it was great
we also realized, that my sister is due on october 25th.. it never dawned on me that if she holds that baby in just a few more days it can be born on JP's birthday.. and damnit, that would be so wonderful.. I kinda suck that Ive named the baby (if its a girl) it's Sarah Michaela.... I think Sarah Elizabeth sounds just as good.. too bad i'll never have any kids, it'd be so great to name her with a little bit of JP into it...
donna loved my car, and all the tinkerbell stuff.. and my liscense plate.. bleve.. she called me her pixie today.. and as she was holding hannah, she also said, "well maybe it looks like i have 3 pixies now! and you are the littlest one of all.." ... it just makes me want to cry.. I want JP back..
ya know, today totally took my mind off of some of the really crappy stuff ive been thinking about lately.. but now that i just brought it up again, yeah, its all too real. damn me.