theophostic / false guilt / images of God / the Cobra and scapegoat blended
To just give a quick summary this time, I learned:
1. If I feel guilty and I don't know why, it's false guilt, and I'm to throw it out. The purpose of my conscience is to let me know that, at my level of maturity, a certain action is to be avoided. Its purpose is NOT to make me feel worthless and deserving of punishment. (that sodomizing memory was apparently inflicted as 'punishment' without any explanation of what I did, leading me to believe that if bad stuff happened to me, it was because I did something wrong. Not true, God said.)
2. If I have an image of God as anything other than loving, it isn't a true image and I can/should throw it out. The Bible says God is Love.
3. God is NEVER mad/angry/etc. at me; when he looks at me he sees perfection, he sees Jesus; and how can he be angry at or disappointed in Jesus? God reminded me of the caterpillar; although it cannot yet fly, by all scientific tests it is nonetheless a butterfly. That's me; though I am not yet all I will be, in every important way I am already my future wonderful self -- and that it what God sees.
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Also, my Cobra self accepted my scapegoat self, and when they blended, the formerly-white Cobra turned violet and emerald, still with the same shimmery sheen. That took a lot of convincing -- my Cobra self had to learn that it was okay to fail, and that I needed to own my failures in order to stop being afraid of failing. My little-girl self had to overcome her intense fear of the scapegoat to allow it to join.
I'm writing this from a week and a half after it happened, and I have been much stronger since the blending of my Cobra and scapegoat selves.