flourishing in the wake of a drawn-out conflict with Aurilion (closure at last)
icon: "powerful (Frazetta's "Sun Goddess" with arms flung out, a knife in one hand, and a sabertooth tiger on the other side)"
I've been swamped with ADD & school & car & money stress for the past few weeks, thus my lack of real posts. Despite being pulled in a billion directions and being totally overwhelmed, parts of my life have been profusely flourishing.
With regards to Aurilion, we exchanged letters (which I shared friends-locked because I'm not sure if they'd be okay with me making them public) after that unsent letter I posted. They were long and intense and through them I realized a lot of patterns I hadn't noticed before, some of them Aurilion's but the more important ones were mine. I realized that when we were together, I never called Aurilion on anything. The first time, that was because I wasn't good at understanding my own needs and boundaries, and I didn't trust Aurilion to know theirs either; after that, it was because I was always afraid that Aurilion was going to drop me as soon as I mentioned something that made them uncomfortable. When we broke up the first time, that was our FIRST real disagreement. After that I just kept it to myself when I didn't like something. I didn't even realize this was happening! It was an old pattern that held over, I don't do that shit with my friends now. In this exchange of letters, I laid out bluntly but not unkindly what issues I had with Aurilion's behavior, and in so doing I realized the depth of some of my own values. Perhaps the most important one is respecting others' self-determination; I plan to make a whole post about that. I also realized that when I didn't trust Aurilion to know and express their needs, that was valid, because they expressed that me simply stating what I want made them feel they had no choice but to do it.
Ultimately, when I realized that there were ways in which I had grown without anyone's guidance, and that Aurilion had not changed in these ways, that broke down that last bit of wish I had had for Aurilion to be a guide for me. I realized a year and a half ago that neither Aurilion or anyone else I knew could be a mentor for me spiritually, and this past summer when I attended energy work classes I realized that practice was a greater teacher than anything else and all others can offer is as a catalyst. But somehow it didn't really 'click' until I realized I no longer consider Aurilion more advanced than I am. I used to feel that Aurilion was more in-tune, more intuitive than me. That was perhaps true at first because I hadn't had practice, but now I have. And a vital part of that is that I check, I don't ever assume I am correct.
I used to be so scared of losing Aurilion. They left me over and over, coming back with promises that this time would be different. I feared losing them because I thought of them as the only way for me to feel a pure heart-connection. That's fuckin ridic! There are so many people in this world. I can call green hearts to me. I can feel the soil in my roots and the wind in my branches, I can rustle my leaves and breathe deeply. I know I will find more people with whom I can feel the spirits of trees every bit as strongly.
I called Viv and Kylei and Arizona and Abby and Topaz, every single one of them is connected to me through my intuition. Viv I randomly invited along to my first cuddle party, we were total strangers and I had literally never met anyone from OKC before. Kylei asked me for a conversation and I chose to follow up because I felt a tug (it would never have happened if I had been passive, which I definitely tended toward at the time). Arizona I had a dream about and listened to it and shared it with them, nothing would ever have happened had I not followed through on that dream. Abby I invited to a crafty party and at our first meeting made plans to go to our first burn together (had we not gone to that burn together we'd never have become close because we were both too passive in initiating at the time). That was an act of intuition because usually I'd have hated the idea of a stranger ruining the intimacy of a road trip, but I felt sure that Abby would not do that. Topaz I met because I invited myself along on a group event (which I nearly NEVER do) and then added this perfect stranger on FB and then shared a deeply personal post to facebook and they responded with openness (so many places along the way there where it could have fallen apart). I have found people with livejournal over and over. The world is full of connections and the only reason I don't have more heart connections is that I haven't yet asked for them! I have only called for spirit connections so far but I just wrote a spell for calling heart connections to me so I hope to do that soon and welcome new presences in my life.
In case it wasn't already obvious, our letters ended with Aurilion saying that they were done. At least it was a kinder goodbye than before. I'm not going to close that door, but I'm not going to let Aurilion skip the efforts I require from everyone else, either; honesty and working through shit is necessary. This interaction has been incredibly empowering for me. I am grateful and pleased with this turning point.