the crazy happenings of the past 11 days -- relationships and Dreaming
my life has gotten even MORE insannnne and at this point I'm going to have to start posting outlines in order to get anything down. This past timespan has been just... massive. And there is so much I haven't said!
11th -- Chip and Arizona and I watch Playing By Heart ♥ They laugh in all the right places and just get it! Later that night Arizona and I have a conversation about the connection between Chip and I because we had agreed to keep some distance for a while, but it's starting to feel worrisome to me.
12th -- I wake up feeling AWFUL and so worried that somehow I'm going to accidentally hurt Arizona by being too close with Chip -- later Arizona and I discuss what makes zir uncomfortable (if the three of us were all individually dating and one of those relationships went sour it would be harmful to the other two connections) and we talk about the risks and our wants and priorities. Arizona realizes that it is more important to zir to let things flow free than to lessen risk of pain. Later, Chip and I discuss what we want -- neither of us want an actively-building "dating" type relationship right now, but just to let the connection flow where it may.
13th -- Chip and I talk laaaate into the night about our connection and zir previous relationships and such, ending with kisses and love confessions (which had already been 'said' several times, just not out loud).
14th -- Christa and I end up having a very long and deeply-sharing conversation and I realize we could be deep friends. Chip and Arizona and I briefly discuss the shift that's happened between the three of us and how we feel about it (happy). Later, at the borderpagans meeting, Kyle remarks on my attitude-toward-life-and-people as being neutral and positive and tells me ze wants to learn my thoughts on sexuality and polyamory, so we agree to meet up soon.
16th -- Kyle and I meet at Kennesaw Mountain for a picnic at sunset but it's raining and the paths are closed so we spend just a little time with the fireflies in the woods and then sit in zir car and then go to a coffeehouse, talking in a constant stream, and then go to an empty parking lot where ze plays violin in a conversational way (express with music then interpret) and talk more. I ask to stay over because I want to cuddle and also I need to go to KSU the next day, and Kyle says yes. I can't remember exactly when I kissed zir but that definitely happened ;-)
17th -- wake up with Kyle and have kisses, ze goes off to class and I go to KSU to work out financial aid stuff, then meet up with Arizona for lunch and lots of talking while (strangely) walking through the mall, then head home and go with Ben and Nicole to see Ben's little brother play a show at Wonderroot!
18th -- head with Ben and Nicole to Dreaming, a pagan festival. We set up our campsite and then spend time with everyone and there is opening ritual and then bodypainting and conversation and (eventually) drinking and playing "Worshipers of Cthulhu" (another version of the mafia game). At some point during the day Kyle and I wander off and talk about how we feel about each other and confess love without actually saying it. At the end of the night Arizona and Chip allow me to stand in while they perform a drawing down ritual -- which evokes in me the same sense of nearness-of-deity that I used to only feel while worshiping in tandem with many others focused on the same deity. I feel true, deep awe and want to fall to my knees (but don't because Chip and Arizona are standing and it feels unbalanced to do so) -- and oh! I'm so thrilled to know I can have that again without having a shared deity with others. Kyle and I talk a lot about spirit & heart & soul & mind & body, discussing my views of the parts of a person (which I need to re-write now that I have an idea of what mind and body connections are really like).
19th -- Early on, Arizona and I talk about this strange feeling I have which is like jealousy but is not caused by any actions -- through talking I realize it's that I'm jealous that Chip and Arizona have history with issues they're working through, and Arizona and I have no issues and I miss that working-together-to-heal-something feeling. (once I realize it, it stops bugging me and becomes hilarious) Everyone slogs through heavy heat until mid-afternoon, when Arizona and Scarlett dance in sprinkling rain and turn it torrential. (when Arizona comes back, kissing zir feels like kissing the personification of rain, or perhaps Tefnut) After listening to very interesting talks on polyamory and polytheism, we participate in the main ritual and then move to the drum circle for drumming and dancing -- someone I've not met before pulls me out and I dance naked in firelight for the first time. After the drummers drift off we have mead (shared with kisses!) and Ben, Kyle, Christa, Chip, Arizona and I (and for a little while, Green) play Truth-or-Truth (because dares are boring) where one picks someone and asks them a question (or chooses a person to ask and a person to answer, but a question can only be passed once). The questions are mostly playful and sexual but occasionally serious -- always exposing. Christa and Kyle confess mutual attraction and are ohmigod-cute. Green brings out a Wartenberg wheel which gets passed 'round -- Arizona runs it down my back and *shivers* WOW. Later as we're gathering up to go off to sleep, Green gives it to me, saying "Happy Dreaming" :D :D :D I sleep in the Serendipity tent between Arizona and Kyle ♥
20th -- I get dreadfully sunburnt while packing up camp with Ben and Nicole... Ben drives us back and we have dinner together before I drive to Kyle's and the two of us go to Serendipity. Arizona and Chip and I spend time together while Kyle and Christa do (we spy on them and giggle at their cuteness). Then Arizona and Chip pair off for a while and Kyle, Christa and I go talk in the hot tub. At one point Kyle tells me plainly that ze loves me (and I say it back). Later Chip comes up and we pair into Chip & I, Christa and Kyle. We go back and forth between talking and other things (dunno how comfortable everyone else is with me sharing publicly so "other things" won't be public). I LOVE how things just flow in twos and threes and fours -- ohmigod it's exhilarating! And the conversation between the four of us is fascinating as well.
21st -- at 6am we realize the time and Kyle and I leave because ze has class in a few hours. We sleep and then ze goes to class (while I sleep more) and ze comes back in early afternoon and we have fascinating talks about sex and gender and music and people. We have a discussion about monogamy which makes me consider how I'd feel if Kyle chose to be monogamous with someone else (thus not being with me) and it's scary for me to realize just how important ze's become to me in the span of a week. We discuss what we want out of 'us' but don't quite conclude before it's time to go to the borderpagans meeting. Afterward we have dinner with Christa and Chip and then share a short bit of sleepy cuddles and kissing before I go home.
So now I'm part of a box and a triangle and a line hee ;-) And I need to write about what Chip is like and what Kyle is like but that's for another post.