growth in uncertainty / how it feels to connect with Anita: kisses and energy / Chip & trust
I'm remembering last summer, near the end, where I felt like I'd hit an endless plateau and had no way to grow further, and it's making me laugh. I knew then that it was an untrue feeling but I also couldn't see far enough ahead to the next steep climb. Now I'm in the middle of it. Everything is scary, everything is new, everything is so uncertain. Yet I feel no desire to solidify things, strangely -- I think part of me enjoys being awash in possibility. And so far my reaching here and there has resulted in so much MORE than I could have even imagined to ask for. And if something doesn't work out the way I wanted, it's because it had to end to make room for something even more suited to me and now.
Sharing kisses with Anita evokes this feeling that has no name -- it's almost like relief, like a puzzle piece fitting into place. It feels so intensely true. Add to that the hunger of desire and the tenderness of adoration and the lushness of tasting and how I manage to talk when Anita is within kissing reach is an amazing feat. Touching Anita feels like trailing my fingers in shimmery magic -- it's absolutely addicting, not just because of Anita's response but because just being that close is intoxicatingly nourishing. I feel richer, fuller, more alive and more connected to all that is wonder -- every time, every second I touch zir. And being touched by Anita... moves me to the place that has no words.
and THEN there's the energy, OH MY GOD/DESS. Anita can place zir hand on me (not stroking but just resting) and I feel energy pulse through me as intensely as I've ever felt any physical touch (or maybe more so). When I get to the point where I need a break to keep from being overwhelmed (because if I get overwhelmed I shut down to further sensation/connection), we have to not only stop touching but I have to turn so that my heart is not facing zir and ze has to face zir palms away from me because the energy connects all on its own. I'm in awe...
Two years ago, when I went to visit Hannah and Nick, I experienced more joy and more pain than I'd ever even imagined before. When our so-brief triad ended I felt so much despair because it was such a rare thing and I couldn't imagine finding anything even similar again. but NOW I can imagine it.
Sunday night Anita and Chip and I talked more about the connections we share. Chip asked me if I trusted zir (turning around a question I asked last time we talked) and I had to think on it before answering. With violet spirits I trust instinctively and really don't have much control over it, so partly the answer was yes. But partly the answer was no, because I am scared of what might happen if I open up fully to connecting with Chip. My connection with Anita means so much to me, and even though I don't (logically) think that it would be harmed by being more interconnected, I'm reminded of how my-and-Hannah's connection was harmed and emotionally I fear that again. Also I just dunno how much more intensity I can handle, and I know that opening up fully to Chip would make things more intense.
...and I have so much more to say but no more time to write.