meeting up with [ex-husband] and finally spirit-realizing that there is nothing between us
Tonight I talked with my ex in person for the first time since we were "still working on it." I just felt the urge to do it today, and decided to follow through on that instinct (even though it meant sitting in a parking lot for 30 minutes with my stomach churning while I waited for zir). It was painful and awkward and strange. I asked some questions and got some answers but it had all been said before in one way or another. As we talked I kept coming back to the same question -- why did I still feel drawn to zir? There was nothing about zir that nourished me. When I verbalized this question ze said ze was sure that zir financial support had made me feel loved in some small way that added up over time, and I said no and suddenly realized that not only was the financial support not a positive thing, it wasn't even neutral. Being financially supported actually made me feel UNLOVED, because from my childhood I'd learned that if someone was paying my way, they owned me and I needed to allow them to control my behavior or I'd be on the street, and that if someone paid my way I was nothing but a duty (which... was true).
Anyway, ze stood up to leave and asked if I had any other questions, and I floundered for a minute and then asked if ze would make eye contact with me for a minute. (I've had several nightmares about eye contact with zir, so this request surprised me a little as it came out of my mouth) Ze agreed (to my further surprise) and did. (I'm grateful that ze had the compassion to do it even though ze was uncomfortable with it) We sat there and I looked and looked (silent tears pouring down my face), with questions running through my mind. I was thinking, "WHO are you? what are you? where did you go? why? whywhywhy?" and then after a little bit my mind shifted and I mentally said goodbye to zir spirit and asked it to let me go. After that ze left (and I made a call to Maggie to try and close that up but ze didn't wish to speak to me) and I called Ash and talked just a little bit and realized something VITAL.
All this time, part of me had still been searching for that magic that was between us when we first got together. And today I was able to see that it is not there. It is NOT THERE. Usually when I make prolonged eye contact with someone I feel magic (even if we don't have a strong connection) but looking into zir eyes I felt nothing like that. And the part of me that had been endlessly looking finally took "it's gone" for an answer. This didn't click into my consciousness until I was driving home, and when it did I SCREAMED with relief and freedom. And then I laughed and then I screamed some more, in joy, and felt freshly wild.
Now I feel more emotionally wealthy -- I feel more able to seek the magic in people, because I'm not seeking it where it has disappeared. And I've realized that it is something I need in a sustained and continual way. That's the answer to the question I was asking myself -- "what do you need?" -- I need magic, the magic of connection. I have it when I'm with justben, but I don't have it in a every-breath kind of way because our connection is very immediate and physical so when we're not together it's not a presence with me. And that's something I need, because once having tasted it (the beginning with [ex], with Hannah very much, and with Aurilion and Viv), I feel the lack of it pretty sharply. I think that's why it was so hard for me to let go, because with Hannah and Aurilion there were breakups followed by even more magic, so I was expecting that to happen with [ex] and oh what a tantalizing dream that was. and what a horribly addicting fantasy! I finally FELT that it was empty today and really let go. And I'm free.