awful week: sick, financial stress, feeling loss, ex being cruel / feeling lonely, untrusting, angry
This has been a really awful, AWFUL week. I've been very sick (my throat was so swollen at one point that just trying to swallow a little water made me throw up, and it's sometimes been hard to breathe) and I very rarely get sick and tend to get really emotional about it anyway. And it was bad enough that I went to the doctor and then got medicine, which made me financially stressed because I've been trying to stay within the limit that my ex set as far as money goes, but that added a significant burden.
And my ex wanted the rest of my stuff out this week because zir girlfriend is moving in, so Friday Ash and S helped me gather it (thank God/dess for them because I couldn't have handled it alone). There was a cabinet full of wedding stuff and love letters and all the journals I wrote which were about 70% about the ex... and the journal I made for the ex which ze then dedicated to me and wrote to me in (which I took because ze doesn't give a shit or want any reminders of me). And it really hit me that we are actually over. I think I hadn't really believed it until then. Even though ze's monogamous and with someone else, somehow I didn't believe that was the end of us. For the first time, I cried about losing zir... even though I lost zir a long time ago, and maybe never really had zir.
I don't think ze ever really loved me, honestly... love doesn't just fade, not the way I understand it. I think ze was in lust with me and felt a lot of gratitude for how I helped zir to open up and feel connected for the first time in zir life, and admired me (a little too much, pedestal-type), but I don't think ze ever really loved me. Because I don't think ze ever really saw me or knew me. I think ze stayed with me so long out of a sense of duty. UGH, that nauseates me. And makes me want to be incredibly selfish and never give to anyone or help anyone, so that if they stick around me I know it's not because of gratitude or a sense of debt.
Then today my ex calls me up and says "Happy Anniversary" because today would have been our 6th wedding anniversary. HOW FUCKING INAPPROPRIATE. And seriously, ze REALLY doesn't give a shit about 'losing' me because if ze did, there'd be at least a LITTLE sting to that for zir, right? It wouldn't be all haha-lollerskates. Then we talk about money (because that's the real point of every conversation we have) and ze starts telling me how I "sat on my ass" as if ze hadn't told me MULTIPLE TIMES that ze DID NOT want me to get a job whenever the subject came up! and accuses me of breaking my vows (because we hadn't had sex, even though I had initiated and ze had turned me down every time for the past year) and tells me that ze HAD been making effort in the relationship (by working). Apparently the new gf is perfectly happy to be nourished by nothing other than financial support (nevermind that ze's also getting sex and tons of gifts and loving talk). All that came out in a rush and ended with zir saying essentially that ze'd been making effort and I hadn't, which was so patently untrue that I started to hyperventilate and said, "I can't talk to you right now," hung up and cried to the point of wracking sobs. But in a way it's nice that ze's gone back on the seemingly-genuine apologies for being totally absent in my life and treating me like a nonentity, because now I know ze hasn't really changed and ze is not really offering everything I ever wanted to someone else.
I really wish I'd deliberately or carelessly hurt zir at some point in our relationship. When we were together, I did not ONCE deceive zir. And I mean this to the absolute most literal extent; I did not hide things, I made sure to tell zir anything important without zir having to ask. I only ONCE called zir names (in the breaking-up conversation when ze told me "oh yeah btw I don't like anything that makes you who you are" I called zir a monster and a robot, and it stuck out because it was the FIRST TIME). I never gave less than everything I had, which I think is a pretty considerable amount! When I didn't seem to be making zir happy I would try something else (again and again -- for instance, I tried very hard to learn chess despite DESPISING strategy games and LOATHING losing which of course I always did). I wish I had done something evil, something I could point to and be like "okay I see why you didn't love me, that was a pretty shitty thing I did." Or at least that I hadn't tried so fucking hard when ze obviously just didn't care. Maybe I need to learn how -- and WHEN -- to give up on people when they don't care!
I'm really angry. and heart-broken. and lonely. and in so much pain. It hurts to realize that I really have no one I can turn to for comfort, no one who I can trust to hold a safe space for me (I do have kind friends and that helps, but it's not the same as walking through the fire with me). Ze was never there for me anyway (I know that sounds like an exaggeration but it isn't), but I maintained the illusion that ze was and now even that is gone. I feel really hopeless and disconnected from life -- it feels like there is no promise, no glow. Winter is getting to me. Christmas is usually the bright spot in my winter, the joy that makes the dead season bearable -- but I have no money for a tree and no ability to get presents (and this would be the first time I didn't have to mail them all), so I feel like Christmas isn't coming for me this year. Right now it feels like there is nothing but grey and cold and loneliness stretching ahead of me.