introducing myself as James / reactions to my new name / new journal title & subtitle
Yesterday I introduced myself as James for the first time and it felt so right! I was a little nervous about it because I tend to stumble over my own name when introducing myself because I'm never sure which name to use, but this time it just came right out with no hesitation. (but then I got overexcited when introducing myself to a second person and completely missed zir name *embarrassment*) The best part was later when the first person referred to me first as "she" and then corrected zirself by saying "he." Neither are my ideal, of course, but in my opinion the pronouns one uses refer to the speaker's ideas of gender and don't actually say anything about the person to whom they are referring, so I just smiled to myself. But it was so awesome because it showed that ze wasn't simply assuming that I identified/agreed with the gender I've been assigned. Which is exactly what I was hoping for!
What is odd to me is that this doesn't feel revolutionary to me (because James is such a 'normal' name), but people are reacting pretty strongly to it. Well, a few people. I had someone who was a friend when we were children unfriend me on facebook right after I posted my reasons and tagged zir, and my ex-partner feels very weird about it. But some people have been shockingly supportive too -- my ex-partner told me that when ze went to zir parents' house, zir dad greeted zir and smilingly asked, "How's James?" Oh my God/dess, that made me cry and I'm tearing up again right now. It was so unexpected and so... cheerfully accepting. Which is something I've never really gotten from my ex-partner's family since Rebecca and I stopped being friends (which was 7 years ago). And it means even more because my ex-partner's dad knows that we're getting a divorce and still cares enough about me the individual (not just me the in-law) to not only ask after me but to read what I write and respond to me with acceptance. That kinda blows my mind.
With this shift, it felt like the right time to change my journal title and subtitle. The old title/subtitle was "Biting the Sun -- only in the burning do I taste that sweetest nectar." ( explained here) I feel I'm opening a new chapter; I've bitten the sun, been burned and nourished, and now I'm transforming. My new title/subtitle is "walking on the wings of the wind -- hope lets me fall and catches me again." The title refers to one of my favorite scriptures, Psalm 104:3. Using a bit of scripture is significant because I've been so disgusted with Christianity for years now, but I'm starting to feel like it's not entirely hopeless, and rediscovering my love for certain elements within it. There is a true equalist movement happening in Christianity and I'm wondering if there might be a way for me to help people who are like my old self; yearning for the truth, but unable to find it among all the church's dogma. And the subtitle refers to the pattern I'm embracing right now -- falling and flying, resting only in hope. I'm not looking for security, stability, safety; those are things one only finds on the ground and right now I want to live in the sky.