dream (Viv chooses me) / I trust Viv instinctually, completely / Viv is ready for romance with me?
Last week I dreamed that all of these people wanted to date Viv and I was like, "Augh! I missed my chance!" But then dream-Viv said, "If I'm going to date anyone, it'll be Bel." and both dream-me and after-waking-me were happy about that.
Tonight we hung out for a while and talked -- and you know, I trust Viv on a level I've never trusted anyone else. I mean, not necessarily in a conscious sense, because consciously I know that anyone in such a period of transition (not referring to physical changes) is not going to be the most stable and dependable person, but on a spiritual/emotional level, I trust zir totally. Ze's just... I really don't have words for it. I'd be comfortable crying and letting zir comfort me -- while I could bring myself do that with most people, I wouldn't be comfortable with it. (I'd be ALMOST comfortable with several others, but it would still take a bit of convincing) I don't know why that is -- I just feel safe, understood. And I'm pretty sure it's mutual.
So we talked a while -- ze opened up to me about zir upbringing and style-of-loving (quality time and physical touch, which are MY FAVS TOO YAY!!!) and some other things. And I shared something that has been... formulating in my mind, major life change which I haven't talked about here yet... it's hard to find the words but somehow it tumbles out in person.
Then we went in to cuddle and listen to music (ohhh how I love listening to music with someone who LISTENS (and has similar enough taste to be entranced by Noe Venable ♥) and it's lovely to learn little bits of music theory too). aaaaand ze said that ze feels open/ready to being romantic with me.
I was so taken aback, because I just got to the place of being truly comfortable with being platonic over this past week! We hadn't seen each other for 8 days (an eternity, haha!) and I think that gave me the chance to take back some of my heart-space. So I just sat there for a minute (probably looking flabbergasted) and then asked zir to explain what exactly ze meant, and then talked about what I want/need to be romantic with zir. I said there's no way I can be casual and ze said that ze wouldn't be able to be casual with me either. I explained that I had turned off the romantic emotions but wouldn't be able to be romantic without being my completely open and super-expressive self. Ze said that ze wouldn't want me to be less than completely open and said that ze wanted to be more open too. I asked if ze had been overwhelmed with how expressive I am when we first started spending time together, and ze said no -- I wasn't convinced so I said, "Are you SURE?" and ze said that it had surprised zir because ze'd never met anyone so open with their emotions before, but ze liked it, found it refreshing. (here I went "eeee!" and snatched zir up in a hug) Then we sort of stopped talking about it and just cuddled. Usually I can't stand to leave things unsure like that but I was so surprised that I needed some processing time. I think I do want to pursue it, but much more slowly than we did at the beginning, and I want to take a few days to see how we both feel before I really open that Pandora's box and let myself feel romantic again. Ze did mention that ze didn't want to go any faster than both of us were comfortable with -- which I think was in reference to both our first conversation about sex (when I said that I'm slow to be ready for that -- I never mentioned that a day later I decided I was ready, because our next conversation was about being platonic, HA!) and also a sort of expression that ze is still cautious.
So I'm tentatively thrilled *giggles* and am DECIDEDLY thrilled that things have taken the path they have because we've gotten past all the awkwardness and I'm comfortable being blunt (it was quite disorienting to me not to be able to be blunt because of my tongue-tiedness). I think that ze feels more able to trust me due to my willingness to keep a relationship even when ze wasn't able to give me what I desperately wanted. I know I feel more comfortable now that ze's shown interest while I wasn't, because I tend to fear that the person I love responds out of gratitude-love (happiness at being loved/desired) and not love/desire that can stand on its own (which is one of the reasons that I've never asked anyone out -- I want proof that they want me). And I feel more confident because I know I CAN handle being platonic, pretty damn well actually considering that I was only a little tempted to kiss zir tonight. :D