Aurilion broke up with me
Aurilion just broke up with me (both as a lover and as a friend).
I felt this coming... Part of the reason we went on the two-week phone break was because ze had been considering breaking up with me to be with a friend of zirs (who considered queerness and polyamory to be wrong and therefore wouldn't have been with Aurilion if we were still together). That didn't work out because the friend wasn't interested in romance, but the ease with which Aurilion put aside our relationship made me think that we needed to take some time and consider things. And what I realized while we were not talking was that I couldn't be in a long distance relationship for more than another year -- it's just not nourishing enough for me as a romance. So I told zir this last night, and ze said that ze agreed and wanted to be where I am -- but today, realized that ze wasn't ready for that.
Ze said it was because ze'd never felt like my equal, but had compared zirself to me and thought that ze should be like me. Ze's not really sure who ze is yet, and since I am very sure of who I am, ze feels pulled towards being like me. So for zir to learn who ze is, ze needs to break contact with me (and with zir parents, who have a similar effect because of their expectations). I can understand that (I don't think it's absolutely necessary, but I do think it's the simplest/quickest route).
I think that the not-feeling-like-an-equal thing wasn't a problem for so long because our relationship wasn't fully REAL to zir. We had talked a lot about zir moving to GA (ze was even considering leaving school to do so, though I urged zir to wait), and I had considered it a plan but I don't think it was a plan, I think it was just a dream. And when we started talking about it becoming a plan (as zir graduation date is coming up), ze realized that ze just wasn't ready to intensify our relationship. And I think ze is right, I think there would be very real risk of zir being absorbed into me -- even though I would fight that as much as I could -- because ze is not used to being alone, ze's used to being taken care of and guided. I think it would be possible for zir to learn who ze is while still being with me, but it would be a hell of a lot harder. (my partner and I went down that path)
Ultimately I think it's the right choice, and I'm not angry or upset with zir about it, but I'm disappointed. I was so longing to spend more time with zir. I learned so much from our relationship... I grew in incredible ways. I wouldn't be who I am now if not for what we created together. I'm really going to miss zir, but I don't think our time together is finished... like before, I think after a time (maybe several years) we will reconnect in an even stronger way. And I'm glad that this time, we're parting in a kind way.
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