*hugs a million* I'm so sorry you were afraid you'd lose me as a friend! I tried to explain how that wasn't the case for anyone on my flist (only for people who live it totally -- I don't have anyone that lives it that way on my list, so it really wasn't about 'if you do this I'm cutting you' -- more like 'if you do this I probably won't add you in the first place, because there just won't be any draw for me').
Honestly, part of me is drawn to it too. The reason I don't participate is not because I see it as unequivocally 'wrong,' but just that I feel that the things I could get from BDSM, I could get quicker/easier in other ways, with less possible side effects. And I like the side effects of equalist sex.
I like what you said about discussion of boundaries. I do that with my lovers anyway -- I don't think consent can ever be implied, but the common belief seems to be that it can.
Things I think I could get from BDSM, but could get quicker/easier from equalist sex: an increase in vulnerability, trust, communication, understanding-of-how-I-feel-about-sex/consent/power/equality/bodies, decrease in assumptions/habitual roles (in BDSM, doing this by flipping the roles; in equalist sex, doing this by eliminating them
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oh, definitely. I didn't include the back-and-forth possibility in my wording but I definitely agree that that can be equalist also (I think I'll go edit to include that). About the balancing of initiating, I see your point also -- I was just speaking of all-other-things-being-equal, but if one person is physically less able to enjoy sex often then I would definitely consider it still equal if that was taken into consideration in the initiating-ratio.
previously included disclaimer:belenenMay 11 2009, 03:54:52 UTC
I want to amend what I said previously. I am not anti-BDSM, because that implies that I disagree with it in every situation, whichever way it is done, and that is not true. To be more accurate, I am an advocate of equalist sex (which by my definition does not include BDSM). I almost wish I had simply written this instead of writing the previous entries, as it expresses the same thing but in positive (pro-) rather than negative (anti-) terms, but oh well.
ALSO PLEASE NOTE: I'm not going to clutter this up with "I think" phrases, but it is simply an expression of my opinion nonetheless. It should not be interpreted as me urging/forcing anyone to do/believe anything; just a statement that this is something I consider a positive style of relating.
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Honestly, part of me is drawn to it too. The reason I don't participate is not because I see it as unequivocally 'wrong,' but just that I feel that the things I could get from BDSM, I could get quicker/easier in other ways, with less possible side effects. And I like the side effects of equalist sex.
I like what you said about discussion of boundaries. I do that with my lovers anyway -- I don't think consent can ever be implied, but the common belief seems to be that it can.
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ALSO PLEASE NOTE: I'm not going to clutter this up with "I think" phrases, but it is simply an expression of my opinion nonetheless. It should not be interpreted as me urging/forcing anyone to do/believe anything; just a statement that this is something I consider a positive style of relating.
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