disconnected from Hannah; friendship on hiatus
Aurilion's visit was AMAZING and I can't wait to share photos & thoughts on it, but something unrelated has happened which is... very strange and unexpected, and I want to try and write about it.
Lately (since a little before we broke up) I've been feeling a disconnectedness from Hannah. Usually this is very painful and upsetting for me, but this time it felt different. It felt natural. I didn't know what caused it or what to do about it, so I tried to wait it out. But Hannah and I ended up exchanging some emails over something else and I felt that I needed to express it, so I did. I said that I was feeling disconnected and okay with it; that I was feeling a lack of desire to be close. I have never felt this before with Hannah; even in the darkest times I still had a strong desire to be close. I want to stay friends and do believe that the desire for closeness will return. I ventured a guess that the reason I didn't feel that desire was because right now, closeness would not be a growth experience for me; I would not learn from it. That is the only thing I can think of that would be a reason for this -- a sense that a fallow period is needed before we can grow together again.
I imagine this is horribly painful for Hannah to know, as I would be in a lot of pain if the situation were reversed... I wish I could do something about that. Ze told me that because of this, ze doesn't feel safe having me on zir friends list, and when filtering me out for the past few days ze had felt a new freedom. So I suggested a month-long disconnect, with the intention of re-friending afterward (in the hope that after the initial pain, ze might feel safer). I don't feel that the desire will grow without any contact to nourish it, but I hope that after a month when we re-friend, that desire will grow again.
I know this may seem callous of me or like I've just become unloving or something, but I am quite confused and disoriented by this change in my feelings. I've never experienced this without experiencing some kind of grievous wrong. And then, it is usually not simply a lack of desire for closeness, but an active desire for cutting contact. I definitely do not feel that.
I never in a million years would have foreseen this.