meeting Charles at the antique store / dolphins / going to church, incredible worship
I had an incredible experience last night. I was leaving a shop as a guy walked in, and I felt a connection with him, so I smiled at him but kept on walking. As I was in the parking lot headed toward my car, the guy hurried out of the store and called out to me. He told me that God had a message that he wanted him to give to me, so I said okay and waited to hear it. He said that God wanted me to know that [ze] loved me and that [ze] knew about the dolphins, or something about dolphins (he had the image of a dolphin). I thought that was REALLY interesting because someone recently told me that my primary totem was a dolphin and I immediately wrote her off as a quack because I feel little about dolphins. But this is the second sign and they certainly couldn't have known each other. I'm still not sure if that actually means it is a totem of mine, or if these people are 'reading' my connection with Hannah (whom I also associate with dolphins). I told him that someone had recently told me that dolphin was one of my totems (inwardly thinking "oh no, now he's going to be all 'pure' Christian and start telling me how other beliefs are evil") and he asked what a totem was (???) and I tried to explain it, doing a clumsy job. He didn't seem to get it but he didn't seem to be judgmental about it either.
He also asked me if I knew about Jesus and I said yes, that I had been saved since I was four (so easily do I speak Christian-ese), and then he asked if I was Catholic, which I thought was a really weird question. I said no and asked him if HE was, he said no. Then I asked if he had a church nearby because I had been looking for one, and he did -- within walking distance of where we were. I asked what it was like and he started talking about healings and miracles, which I think is a great bonus but it is not something I need in a church. He was really excited about it though, and I just wanted to HUG him (I kinda wished he hadn't been Christian because then I would have felt free to hug him, oh the irony -- the church has a misunderstanding of what 'lust' is and how to avoid it) for having so much faith and love and courage to share with a stranger. I miss that sense of putting yourself in God/dess' hands and just acting in faith. I still do it in some ways, but there is this... sense of security that comes from acting in tandem with a church. Faith is greater when it is shared. I asked him what the worship was like and he said it was like Deliriou5, which sold me. He showed me where it was and I said I'd come that evening (they were having a special service).
The worship was fucking incredible! These people know how to do it! GOD/DESS, I've missed this. There is absolutely nothing like people passionately singing and dancing in love and faith. These people ROCKED OUT and not just the children, and not just the females, but EVERYONE. Even in all the Christian places I've been, I've never seen males dance in worship like that. Or rather, I've seen one here and there, but never all together in unity, never so unselfconsciously.
Imagine a rock concert where everyone is believing in faith-love-beauty-life, everyone is deliberately bringing out the best in themselves (rather than the worst, as is often in secular concerts). Imagine feeling that! If you've never gotten sweaty and disheveled from worshiping wildly in tandem with others, you are missing out. (not saying that other things aren't just as good -- saying that this is a great thing too!) This was the closest thing to a Benjamin Gate concert that I have been to since they disbanded. And they had the most incredible drummer, holy fuck, I was transported. And. they sang this song, which made my spirit shriek in joy:
I'm after your heart
Why should I be still
when the worship starts
I'm so in love with You, Lord
What can man do --
can't hold me back anymore
You spin over me
and you are pleased
when I spend myself on You, Lord
I'm gonna let go now
really worship
letting my dance come forth
Dance, dance!
Let the spirit move you
Dance, dance!
Holy Spirit in you
After that they gave testimonies of healings, which sounded amazing (and I was like WHY DO THEY NOT VIDEOTAPE, sadly my cynical mind wants proof). Then they had a healing time for a lady with liver disease, which went on for a good while with many members of the group coming up and saying something. It felt more authentic than I've ever seen, and I think that even if there is no physical healing, some of the things said would be very healing. One person suggested that she felt like she would only be loved if she was sick, one suggested that she had been comfortable on the sidelines but God/dess wanted her back in the game, one suggested that she had created an identity around her illness, and all of these things were to be let go. I imagine it must have felt very raw to be so 'naked' before everyone, but also very freeing. And there was no sense of blaming her illness on her deliberate wrongdoing, which was very positive. There wasn't this sense of hurrying her to say "I'm healed" either -- they wanted to pray over her until it worked. I was really awed and I am very curious to go back and hear what happened. They have all manner of aid devices hung on the wall as a reminder -- crutches, a hearing aid, a sling, etc. Most of the healings were about relieving chronic pain, two were of restored hearing.
I very much believe that faith can heal. I want to see that these are real. I want to feel the faith of these people and let it become part of me.
Their guest speaker had some wise words about realizing that when people seem to be different, it is only because the enemy (pain) has painted them, and it is not a true difference. He was of the 'talk until you run out of steam' variety, so I ended up leaving after a while, but I enjoyed it. I have to 're-translate' some things into my beliefs, like singing to 'ze' instead of 'he' but that's okay. I definitely intend to go back.