(no subject)
My heart feels so bruised. I was talking to a friend today about how depressed I am right now, and she mentioned that usually I find a way to climb out, so I started listing all the ways in which I have tried... the thing is, right now I have reason to be depressed. It's not hormonal, it's not a stagnation-depression -- it's a result of connections failing or growing distant, over and over. I opened my heart to some people and loved them so deeply that it really stretched my heart, and now that they aren't such a part of my life, my heart feels this aching emptiness. I am so lonely. I crave connection, and keep trying to add new connections to fill the emptiness, but it doesn't work of course because none of these new connections are soulfriendships; they're just not that intimate.
And I have no one to touch. If you're not as much of a touchy person as I am, I don't think you can understand the desperate yearning I have for loving touch. I'd easily give up ten years of my life in exchange for five years of living with a cuddly person. I crave it! And Ben is not only not cuddly, he feels claustrophobic if we cuddle too long, and we can't kiss for more then a second unless it's part of sex. His asthma acts up and he gets wheezy (I guess the hormones override it when it's more than romantic). I always thought he just didn't like kissing, which I thought was sad but something he'd eventually change his mind on -- having a negative physical reaction makes it seem so much more of an obstacle. I feel cut off from him. And my cat is the most uncuddly cat in the history of me, so no loving touch there.
On top of everything, I feel like every moment I spend feeling like this, I'm wrecking myself. I feel like I've lost so much of my self-respect and self-love -- in such a short time I feel like I've gone from thinking "I am an amazing person; anyone would be lucky to be friends with me," to thinking "I'm absolutely worthless; no wonder I keep losing everyone." I haven't felt this nasty helpless hopelessness in such a long time. I was at the point where I really believed in myself and I didn't think I'd ever fall in hate with myself again. I forgot self-hate... I forgot how it felt to want to dig my fingers into my chest and rip myself in half, to want to snatch my heart out and stomp it to bits. I forgot how it felt to be angry at everything all the time because I feel unworthy of life... to cry and beg for death. To not be able to see any light in the future. How did I get lost so quickly, so utterly? I feel like there's so much beauty and so much love, but not for me and I don't know why.
I am so so so lonely. I'm beyond the reach of casual kindness... I feel like it will take a miraculous amount of love to reach me. "I wish I could find people who just would fight me and break through to me and hold me down and scream their life into my face."
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