loss of faith
I've lost faith in people. Not faith in their goodness or beauty -- faith in their love of me. I find it very hard to believe that anyone could love me. And yet I still believe in myself, I still believe I'm worthy of love -- I just don't believe that anyone else (with the possible exception of Ben) would see me as worthy of love. Parts of me, but not the whole me.
I need. And I feel like I've never really had a relationship where that was okay. I give emotional support and I love to do it, but when I need support, I feel like I have to shove it down and pretend it's not there. The few times I've asked for support, I feel that I've been dropped or berated for not being supportive. I'm lonely, I hurt, I want to be taken care of sometimes. But I can't say so because it only adds wrecked-relationship pain to what I already have. ... I just noticed all of the "I feel"s in those statements... included because I feel like this is NOT ALLOWED for me. I have to explain it away and say that it's just my feelings and not necessarily true. I have to be the supporter and protector EVEN NOW and make sure I don't hurt anyone's feelings!
Nobody fucking wants me because I need. Why to I have to be so self-sufficient to be loved? Why isn't it okay for me to just give most of the time and break when I need to?
Part of me says it's just normal and human to need -- but most of me says that if it was natural, why would it be so abhorrent to others? And why is it okay for everyone else? I'm okay with it in others, and they expect me to be okay with it in them, but they're not okay with it in me.
I love my friends here so much. But as I've been losing faith, I've been thinking, maybe they only like my mind, the way I write. And I feel like if you lived close, you wouldn't want to know me. I'm too messy and not-societally-acceptable and FUCKING NEEDY. I want hugs. I want love. I want friends who seek me out when they think I might be hurting, instead of friends who don't notice, and then when I express it, respond to my pain by pulling away. Not that you guys are like that -- just, all I have ever experienced in face to face friends is that, and so I expect it from everyone. And it fucking hurts. I wept my eyes sore, writing this.
and it hurts worse now because I thought I had it, and then realized I didn't. Before, I wanted it but had no faith -- then I had faith and it got broken. Broken faith is infinitely more painful than no faith at all.
I've been depressed for a long time now -- I can't smile for real. When I try, the photos look ghastly. I feel like I'm just existing, holding on and waiting for a reason to believe again. Praying, hoping to believe again. I feel like I can't respond to anyone's kindness because I find it so impossible to believe.
I fall in love with so many people. Why doesn't anyone fall in love with me? WHY? ...and now I don't even have the faith to give them a chance. maybe I would... but I feel like I couldn't.
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