I agree with the premise of your argument, that people shouldn't talk behind each other's backs. There is the argument that, when one is writing about a situation that has happened, and which has been (maybe) resolved, or both parties are still hurt from it, and one is writing from place of pain, one tends to distort the actual events or one's understandings at the time (which, given any strong emotion, is understandable, yet..). This can lead to a miscommunication among one's friends, if that is the only account they hear of for some time (maybe because the other party is taking time to digest and process what happened and so to give some distance and think through it
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Telling the person who has been talked about would be a last resort. I would only do it if I felt sure that the person who spoke negatively had no intention of confronting the other person. I think it is very harmful to let someone I love go on trusting someone who talks about them behind their back
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choosing to stay silent is as much of a choice as choosing to tell. There is no 'default' action.
Of course they cannot be warned of all pitfalls in life, and I would never advocate LOOKING for ways to 'save' people. But when the choice is put to you, I think you ought to act in a way to help your friend, not simply stand by and watch as someone criticizes her behind her back while speaking nicely to her face. It does not create a 'saving' complex because it is one issue which shouldn't happen that often. It's only happened maaaaaaaaaybe two or three times in my whole life. I hardly feel like I need to go out and save the people I was honest with about the backbiting of others.
If the negative-talker doesn't want the person she's speaking of to know, she shouldn't make it known. Once knowledge is in my head, it is MY knowledge and MY responsibility as to what to do with it. I can't say, 'well I didn't create this piece of knowledge and therefore it isn't my responsibility.' Knowledge is owned not by the creator but by anyone
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I agree with most of this but I don't agree with telling a friend another friend was talking about them behind their back. There isn't much that pisses me off more then that kind of behavior. If my so called friend doesn't have the guts to tell me something then their opinion to me isn't worth hearing, and certainly not from someone else. To em it's so reminiscent of middle school girls "guess what so and so said about you!" Which of course is not how YOU would mean it but it's one of those things that isn't redeemable by better intentions IMO. Better to tell te first friend that they should take their problems to the friend they have rpoblems with or not talk about it at all, or just defend your friend and say you doubt such a thing would be true because it's out of charecter. It's probably a situation by situation thing, there are probably some people who would prefer you tell them but I would tend to think those people worry to much about the opinions of others.
I don't mean repeating word for word. I mean saying "so-n-so is saying something about you that I don't agree with, I want you to know that I have spoken up for you" or something similar.
I think a person has a right to know if someone they trust is not trustworthy.
I guess, I'd still rather not hear it. I know people better than that before I'd trust them and if I didn't trust them I don't really care what they say about me. If it's true there's no point denying it, if it's not true that it usually doesn't matter. (thought there could be certain sitaution, like a work situation or something.) I guess if you my friend felt there was a compelling reason that I really needed to know, I just don't feel that I usually would need to know, at least not from someone else.
okay, I'll remember that in your case. ;-) Though now that I think on it, this really applies more to people who trust easily, because people who are more cautious, like you said, don't tend to BE in that situation.
Hm. I think the only time its okay to talk behind someones back is when you are sort of doing it to try and kind of figure out how you feel about it sort of thing, with the exception that you aren't airing out the person's dirty laundry. But often, I have to talk through my feelings with another person before I can realize "oh! okay, that is actually how I feel, lets try this again" And THEN I can confront the person if I actually have a problem with them, but more often, the problem I thought I had with them is actually a problem I had with me, and doesn't particularly involve them, though I am not good at keeping my mouth shut about shit and will usually talk to the person anyway and be like "oh hey sorry for being a bitch about whatever earlier I figured it out and I don't have a problem with you, but actually I suck!" Anyway I don't know how you feel about discussion behavior on the principle of figuring out your own mind when it involves other people, but thats my stance on it.
yes, exactly. I think when you are coming at it from an angle of intending on talking to the person and working it out, and you're just trying to get advice on HOW to approach it, that is completely different. but it should still be with only a VERY few, very trusted people, and confrontation should definitely happen afterwards.
So basically I TOTALLY agree and now I will have to try and re-word my post to make that a little clearer. I had said "The one exception is if a friend says 'I need your advice on this, I want to approach so-n-so but am not sure how'." I think I'll add in a bit.
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Of course they cannot be warned of all pitfalls in life, and I would never advocate LOOKING for ways to 'save' people. But when the choice is put to you, I think you ought to act in a way to help your friend, not simply stand by and watch as someone criticizes her behind her back while speaking nicely to her face. It does not create a 'saving' complex because it is one issue which shouldn't happen that often. It's only happened maaaaaaaaaybe two or three times in my whole life. I hardly feel like I need to go out and save the people I was honest with about the backbiting of others.
If the negative-talker doesn't want the person she's speaking of to know, she shouldn't make it known. Once knowledge is in my head, it is MY knowledge and MY responsibility as to what to do with it. I can't say, 'well I didn't create this piece of knowledge and therefore it isn't my responsibility.' Knowledge is owned not by the creator but by anyone ( ... )
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I think a person has a right to know if someone they trust is not trustworthy.
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So basically I TOTALLY agree and now I will have to try and re-word my post to make that a little clearer. I had said "The one exception is if a friend says 'I need your advice on this, I want to approach so-n-so but am not sure how'." I think I'll add in a bit.
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