meeting SabR and Kazi / cleansing ritual for Alariya after her breakup
alariya already posted about this night here, and sabr here, and malignlibra here, but I want to add my own perspective (and only mutual friends can see those entries)...
alariya had just gotten out of a relationship -- after a long time of slowly gathering the courage to end it. I'd been waiting, hoping, waiting, hoping for it to end, after realizing some negative things about the guy she was with. The long and the short of it was, there was (unintentional but still extremely harmful) abuse, and they were mutually keeping each other from growth. I grew increasingly more disturbed by the relationship, but I knew that she wasn't ready to let go, so we'd have a talk about it and then I would tell her that she would do it when she was ready and then we'd avoid the subject altogether for a while... Finally, a few weeks ago I had one explosive wrenching conversation with her and she told me some things that helped me to understand why it was so hard for her to get out, and I think she just finally reached the point where she realized it needed to end, and realized she had the strength to do it. So the next day she ended it, but it didn't go down well with the guy and she was in a lot of pain and self-doubt.
So I decided that I wanted to do a cleansing ritual / celebration-of-Analariya -- to help her break with the past, realize the wonder of who she is, and be affirmed in the truth and bravery of her decision. I told her to invite whomever she would like, and so sabr and Kazi (malignlibra) and Cherise came over. When SabR and Kazi came in, I realized that they were already waaaaaaaay out of their element -- and stepping into such a solid structure as Alariya's and my friendship would be overwhelming for anyone, I think. So I stayed clothed and so did Alariya (we're both nudists and are usually naked at any opportunity) and we had a long, wonderful talk with SabR and Kazi. Cherise mostly listened, but she spoke up when she had something to say. It was such a surreal experience, meeting SabR, because I felt a really strong and easy connection with her, yet there wasn't history or openness to justify it (I think she's someone I was friends with before I was born). She's such an odd combination of passionate and numb... and she reminds me SO MUCH of how I used to be, how I could tell anyone anything about my life but I would never share the real me. I felt so relaxed with her, I felt like she understood me and therefore believed that I would do my best never to hurt her. That's a beautiful feeling, to be understood and trusted. And she reminded me so much of Rebecca and my eviltwin, gods_ornament -- like she was the two combined. She has much of the untamed wildness of old Rebecca, and much of the blunt honesty of gods_ornament. She's fascinatingly unique. And I really admire that she is seeking to grow and heal -- such a hard step to make, but so worth it.
It was interesting to watch the connection between SabR and Kazi; it actually reminded me a lot of my old friendship with Rebecca. We were completely different people, but we had the same us-versus-the-world view, the same utter trust and belief in each other. And we connected in a way that was very subconscious and instinctual, which seems to me to be like their relationship... it made me miss Rebecca a lot. I miss how she would move and I could see a flash of her feline spirit. I saw a lot of lupine in both Kazi and Sabr.
Kazi was fascinating to me -- I could see her as a dark, sleek wolf who avoided confrontation most of the time but would be an unstoppable force if confrontation was inevitable -- if someone she loved was threatened. She seems very curled into herself, and I am so curious as to what she will be like when she uncurls and becomes her truest self, unafraid. I think she has a deeply creative spirit. She reminds me of black opal.
Both of them are so beautiful, and I am really amazed at how willing they are to open themselves to new things. I think at their stages of healing/growth I would have been far too afraid to come meet my current self and Alariya. They're so brave and I really admire them.
---------
Spending time getting to know SabR and Kazi wasn't the original plan, but I think it was so meant to be. I'm really glad they came. After they left, Cherise lay down on the sofa and napped off and on, and I began the ritual. I would have been okay with everyone participating if they had wanted, but I think they'd have been too self-conscious and I was too self-conscious to 'perform' in front of watchers. It all worked out so beautifully.
I got a pillow for Alariya and had her lie down on my scarlet sheet on the floor, and I lit candles and placed them around her -- three clustered at her head, three spread at her feet, one above and to her right. I lit incense and began playing Michelle Tumes' song "Healing Waters":
I've built a bridge
All of my strength cannot cross over
I stand at the edge
The end of a road that I have followed
Sinking from the weight of my own world
Wanting the waves of Your ways to wash my feet
Healing waters
Healing waters
Solace flows
Through the river of forgiveness to my soul
Oh, I need You
Healing waters
Pour over me
Water to clean all my intentions
Baptising streams
I swim in the freedom of redemption
Floating on the sea of purity
Knowing I can dive in the love that rescues me
Memories are raging high
Floods so deep they touch the sky
All the things I've done to You
All the parts of life untrue
Healing comes from outstretched hands
Saving me from what I am
Carry me
Carry me
As it played, I waved the incense over her, around her, covering her from head to toe, imagining the lies burning and going up in the smoke, imagining the truth wisping down and sinking deeply in. She absorbed it, but I sensed that she wasn't completely there, was still too afraid to let go. I almost did it all over again and then realized that I could instead do a series of three -- a sacred number to her.
So I had her kneel on the pillow, and set another song playing -- "Rest My Soul":
On golden sands, in winter's fire
On silver stars, in tempest skies
In any age or place
Confess the need to say
Rest my soul, rest my eyes
In the peace I long to hold
Be still my dreams, lay beside me and
Oh, rest my soul
In kingdom's past and future's page
In love's embrace and hatred's rage
In any age or place
Confess the need to say
Chasing folly catches pain
Caught in the wind of a hurricane
There we fly to reckless depths of shame
...rest....
This time I told her to concentrate on the lyrics, and I wafted the incense all around her, and chose to let her feel the change within herself when she began to cry, though I wanted to hold her -- I felt that I was an instrument and the real thing that was happening was just her spirit and God, and I didn't want to interrupt or be a distraction. When the song was over, she told me that she felt the broken edges of her spirit knitting together during the song... I was awed.
Finally, I asked her to stand, and I began a song which is to me an anthem of LIFE -- "Feel":
Hark! The wind of passion
swiftly weaving over your soul
bless the surge of thunder rolling onto your shore,
greet the deep emotion
that sleeps beneath the ocean floor
watch elation bound, release its furious roar
Feel! Feel! Feel! Feel what you long to
Feel! Feel! Feel! Feel what you long
to feel.
Pound the sands of courage
reach for clouds that cover the foam
dance with bold expression
leaping from silent abodes
face the wild commotion
free restraint and struggle no more (I sang with this line)
let the moon raise all that
dwells in the tides of your core
Feel! Feel! Feel! Feel what you long to
Feel! Feel! Feel! Feel what you long
to feel
Weep, sigh, laugh, cry --
flee from the snares that wish to
deny how you feel
Hope, live, love, yearn...
and feel, feel what you long to
This song has incredibly deep meaning to me -- I want to sing it to every person and have them take the words in and LIVE, truly live. At the first chorus I lifted Alariya's arm, and she took my meaning and raised them both, defiantly, boldly, to grasp all that life has to offer, all the glories that God has given. To embrace emotion in all its terrible pain and all its healing, liberating power.
I had written words and phrases on slips of paper, intending for the four of us to draw them and copy the words/phrases from our slips of paper onto Alariya's body. After the cleansing, I went to get them and sifted them through my fingers, setting aside the last one to cling to my fingers each time until I had three. I then held them for Alariya to choose one at a time, and she chose them in the same order that I had drawn them (which I think was proof that they were exactly the right words). I had her lay down again and I wrote the words on her belly, the center of her body. They aren't the three that I would have chosen, but I think that God had special meaning in each of them for her. The words were:"Alive"
"Unashamed"
"Honest"
And I think she is more alive, more unashamed, and more honest in the time since then than she has ever been before. ♥
Finally I had her close her eyes and hold out her arms, and I placed in them the present I had gotten for her -- a purple body pillow. I know sometimes the most lonely you feel is when you are trying to sleep, so I wanted her to have a physical reminder that she is not alone, that she is loved -- which is why I got a purple one, to represent her closest friends (who all love purple). I told her to sleep with that and remember that we love her and even if we are not with her physically, we are always there, always loving her.