more struggles with Ben and I
Ben and I have been struggling -- I think I have mentioned this before, but never in-depth, because that's a big thing to him -- he really really hates the idea of me telling his mistakes to ANYONE, much less on my public journal. And I can understand, and that is a concession I am willing to make, but it's really wearing on me right now. Not because I want to slander him, but because I want to talk about what our relationship has been like, what I feel I have missed out on through my own messed-up self and otherwise. I feel like such a terrible, horrid, useless, lousy wife, and I want someone who knows what I've done (and not done) to tell me that it isn't true -- someone besides Ben. I can't believe that he's telling the truth, because I feel like he'd act differently if I was really a good wife.
Whenever I think about it I want to beat myself up -- I want to step outside of my body in another form and just pummel myself. I used to be a very violent person, and I thought I had completely gotten rid of those urges, but I feel them so often now. I shoved Ben last night. I've never done anything like that to him and never thought I would. I don't know what is wrong with me.