wierd day / Rebecca and Kristy
Today was very strange... I woke up early and called Kristy, wanting to plan something for this morning, and discovered that Rebecca was planning on doing stuff with her this morning (despite the fact that she had Kristy to herself for the whole evening, the best part of the day), which made me so furious I screamed. After I said goodbye and hung up, of course.
But anyway, Rebecca graciously invited me along (and you know it was my fault for not daring to spout off about how I wanted that alone time with Kristy) so the three of us went to Kohls (so R could spend a gift certificate (why else would anyone shop there? expensive and mostly boring -- not my taste)) and to lunch at Gondoliers (where Rebecca surprised us by paying for our lunches) and then we stopped by the Coffeehouse and R's work (she makes stained glass overlay). By then end of that I was getting very impatient, though it occurred to me that three years ago that outing would have been the highlight of my month. Shows how picky or privileged I've gotten.
Finally, Rebecca dropped Kristy and I at my flat, and we sat on the couch and started talking... she asked how married life was, and I said that it was both wonderful and not so. She was shocked that I wasn't more excited about all the sex, and then the conversation went down the same path that seemingly all of my conversations go down nowadays. (I hate that.) So we talked about rape and I felt stupid, because she's had like five months of therapy and she has no more triggers or nightmares... And she talked to me about faith, and she's just so full of hope, telling me that God has plans for everything... basically giving me the exact same speech I gave her in September. In that amount of time, we've nearly reversed. I know she's not totally healed, but she just seems so much stronger and more mature than me, and that freaked me out a bit.
And yet she's changed so much -- or maybe she hasn't and I just always misread her, but I seriously doubt it. She's been so distant the past two days -- and sometimes I can look in her eyes and see her spirit trying to break out, but it never quite does. She doesn't cry, she doesn't get really happy, she doesn't react -- she's closed off, and that is soooo anti-kristy that it leaves me completely at a loss. I'm tempted to try to hurt her just to make her say 'ow!' (I never would, but I'm really tempted!). She's not even very touchy, which is REALLY confusing, because she's the most physical-touch person I've ever met! She hasn't instigated a hug once this visit! Not even a hug, and she's usually all about the petting hair and stuff.... I'm honestly not upset with her about it (though I admit to being disappointed), but I'm really confused, because something must be eating at her for her to act this way, and I can't figure out what. Maybe she feels insecure around me for whatever reason... I have no clue.
I know she loves me though, even though she hasn't shown it in any way except words. She told me that last night when she was out with her 'date' she couldn't stop thinking about me, because she knew I was upset when she left. She told me also that she loves the fact that I call her my heart-sister. She wants us to get matching heart tattoos, which she told me thinking that I'd laugh at the idea, but actually I love it. (It'd have to be a really awesome design shaped like a heart, something kinda tribal-ish, not a dull solid shape.) When Ben got home she told him about it and he was sure we were kidding, because hearts are so girly and cliche -- and if it weren't for the fact that they'd mean something there's no way I'd want them. But for my heart-sister, anything.
Most of the time we spent at my house, I so wanted her to leave. I didn't feel like she was connecting with me at all, and I wanted to just say, "y'know, I give up. I can't figure out anything, I can't fix myself, I feel hopeless, and there's nothing you can do to help. All we're accomplishing is frustrating me and depressing you." And I pretty much told her that but she refused to leave... and I'm glad she stayed, though I'm not sure if it made a significant impact on me or not, 'cause it reminded me of how I used to be. I'd do something even when I didn't give a flying flip emotionally, just because I knew logically that it was the right decision.
I don't know. I love her and I love being around her, but I feel like she's emotionally unavailable... like she's trying so hard to drum up some enthusiasm, but just can't.
But anyway, Rebecca graciously invited me along (and you know it was my fault for not daring to spout off about how I wanted that alone time with Kristy) so the three of us went to Kohls (so R could spend a gift certificate (why else would anyone shop there? expensive and mostly boring -- not my taste)) and to lunch at Gondoliers (where Rebecca surprised us by paying for our lunches) and then we stopped by the Coffeehouse and R's work (she makes stained glass overlay). By then end of that I was getting very impatient, though it occurred to me that three years ago that outing would have been the highlight of my month. Shows how picky or privileged I've gotten.
Finally, Rebecca dropped Kristy and I at my flat, and we sat on the couch and started talking... she asked how married life was, and I said that it was both wonderful and not so. She was shocked that I wasn't more excited about all the sex, and then the conversation went down the same path that seemingly all of my conversations go down nowadays. (I hate that.) So we talked about rape and I felt stupid, because she's had like five months of therapy and she has no more triggers or nightmares... And she talked to me about faith, and she's just so full of hope, telling me that God has plans for everything... basically giving me the exact same speech I gave her in September. In that amount of time, we've nearly reversed. I know she's not totally healed, but she just seems so much stronger and more mature than me, and that freaked me out a bit.
And yet she's changed so much -- or maybe she hasn't and I just always misread her, but I seriously doubt it. She's been so distant the past two days -- and sometimes I can look in her eyes and see her spirit trying to break out, but it never quite does. She doesn't cry, she doesn't get really happy, she doesn't react -- she's closed off, and that is soooo anti-kristy that it leaves me completely at a loss. I'm tempted to try to hurt her just to make her say 'ow!' (I never would, but I'm really tempted!). She's not even very touchy, which is REALLY confusing, because she's the most physical-touch person I've ever met! She hasn't instigated a hug once this visit! Not even a hug, and she's usually all about the petting hair and stuff.... I'm honestly not upset with her about it (though I admit to being disappointed), but I'm really confused, because something must be eating at her for her to act this way, and I can't figure out what. Maybe she feels insecure around me for whatever reason... I have no clue.
I know she loves me though, even though she hasn't shown it in any way except words. She told me that last night when she was out with her 'date' she couldn't stop thinking about me, because she knew I was upset when she left. She told me also that she loves the fact that I call her my heart-sister. She wants us to get matching heart tattoos, which she told me thinking that I'd laugh at the idea, but actually I love it. (It'd have to be a really awesome design shaped like a heart, something kinda tribal-ish, not a dull solid shape.) When Ben got home she told him about it and he was sure we were kidding, because hearts are so girly and cliche -- and if it weren't for the fact that they'd mean something there's no way I'd want them. But for my heart-sister, anything.
Most of the time we spent at my house, I so wanted her to leave. I didn't feel like she was connecting with me at all, and I wanted to just say, "y'know, I give up. I can't figure out anything, I can't fix myself, I feel hopeless, and there's nothing you can do to help. All we're accomplishing is frustrating me and depressing you." And I pretty much told her that but she refused to leave... and I'm glad she stayed, though I'm not sure if it made a significant impact on me or not, 'cause it reminded me of how I used to be. I'd do something even when I didn't give a flying flip emotionally, just because I knew logically that it was the right decision.
I don't know. I love her and I love being around her, but I feel like she's emotionally unavailable... like she's trying so hard to drum up some enthusiasm, but just can't.