Dismay goes before him
Listening to the ocean’s waves, washing onto the shore, is so soothing. I remember that long-ago late morning, sitting in my car at the upper edge of the sand -- windows down, seat all the way back, eyes closed, resting.
I look out over the gentle waves, seeing almost nothing upon the surface of the water. It’s a misleading desolation. I know that so much is beneath the surface, things that are unknown, big and dangerous.
In the years that follow that day, my life’s journey hits rough seas. I weather the storms, stay afloat. I have no idea what’s coming.
Can you pull in Leviathan with a fishhook
or tie down its tongue with a rope?
Can you put a cord through its nose
or pierce its jaw with a hook?
-- Job 41, verses 1-2
Something has me, can I fight it? Needles prod me for blood, a sharp device takes marrow, a scapel takes another piece.
We have hooked it - Stage 2. Treatable, but we must act fast, for its mass squeezes the breath out of me. More needles put poison in my veins, supplemented by hundreds of pills, and radiation gives me a healthy internal sunburn.
But the beast is beaten back. For now.
Will traders barter for it?
Will they divide it up among the merchants?
Can you fill its hide with harpoons
or its head with fishing spears?
If you lay a hand on it,
you will remember the struggle and never do it again!
-- verses 6-8
The needles may as well be harpoons or spears, my veins are ruined. Insurance takes some of the blow, but paying for the rest, along with a lack of income from not working, has ruined by financial veins as well.
Since in America, health care is a service and commodity, and not a “right” or public good, I find myself chastised by bill collectors who seem to wonder, Why would I purchase so much cancer if I couldn’t afford it? I have no plans to buy more. I am told I’m “cured.” The doctor says it won’t likely come back for at least 20 years.
That was 18 years ago.
Any hope of subduing it is false;
the mere sight of it is overpowering.
-- verse 9
My body is still a wreck from that fight years ago, yet it functions fine. Instead, an older, darker force stalks me, from within my own head. Suddenly, all hope is swept away. Overpowering darkness beckons.
Who can strip off its outer coat?
Who can penetrate its double coat of armor?
Who dares open the doors of its mouth,
ringed about with fearsome teeth?
Its back has rows of shields
tightly sealed together;
-- verses 13-15
The beast within has me, gives me thick armor weighing me down, letting nothing in that could show me I am worthy of help. Yet somehow, I struggle to a lifeboat. There with me are others fighting their own demons. We look each other in the eye, and tell each other: “You are not the monster.”
Eventually, we believe it.
When it rises up, the mighty are terrified;
they retreat before its thrashing.
The sword that reaches it has no effect,
nor does the spear or the dart or the javelin.
-- verses 25-26
It’s hard to believe that a little pill can hold the beast at bay. Some days it doesn’t. But it allows me to stand and fight, giving me hope.
Tonight I lay in bed listening to the fan that circulates air, providing soothing white noise. The sound rides waves of alternating current, an endless tide. My mind skims the surface, but I sense something deeper. Something dark.
Something waiting.
Nothing on earth is its equal -
a creature without fear.
-- verse 33
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This is my entry for LJ Idol Season 8, Week 30, Topic two of five, “ Leviathan”
Verses from the New International Version of the Bible. Subject line is from verse 22.