Defeat or Lost
I have seemingly run out of options.
I haven't posted much on the various subjects of my life as of late, for numerous reasons. Some are a bit more personal than I usually wish to post. Some I figured I could stop or correct quickly, so no reason to raise a big stink about it. And finally, considering the majority of what I post here is a bit of a downer, I am trying to not be such a whiny bitch in my journal. I tried =p
Anywho, I am currently trapped in a very "bad" place, for many reasons, and despite my best efforts, I cannot seem to get myself out of it.
I am a prisoner of my own home. I have been forced to rely on other people for various reasons, and all of them but 1 have let me down. I truly feel now the only way to live, is to never rely on anyone ever. When they let you down, you may not recover.
I am a prisoner of my own attempts at a social life, and for the first time ever, I am a finacial prison to myself, for reasons implied above.
I simply don't know what I'm doing anymore. That isn't to say, I've lost my goals, or my direction, I simply don't know how to advance anymore. Every turn I've made the last few months, I've been cut off at the balls. I'm out of avenues. I just don't see any more options to currently improve my life. I feel very very powerless, for the first time in my life.
My job goes well, I am not restless there, and I make good money, tho not enough for all my current uncontrollable problems.
Other than that 1 thing...I'm simply lost. I don't know what I'm suppose to do when I'm awake anymore, if im not going to or going from work.
I've been in a constant battle with depression for many years. It runs in the family, i've had more than my share of hardships and bad luck, but not in years have I let it beat me down. I've been very proud to say, I've never let it get the better of me, and I've done it with the assistance of drugs, legal, medic or recreational.
2 things that have always kept me going is, always finding a way to improve myself or my standing in life, no matter what was going on, and the idea that things will get better for me, primary in my social life.
Right now, and for the last 70something days, I have been unable to move anything in a positive direction. I have tried many different ways, one even as drastic as involving an out of state move (not brought on by anything sudden, this was well thought out and brought on by many factors) but even this I was unable to accomplish due to forces beyond my control.
As for the social life aspect, I've put more effort into it in the last 6 months, that I ever have in my entire life. I'm finding that all more effort brings, is a greater opportunity for more dissapointment and failure, in number count and type. It's...crushing, to say the least.
Anyways, im taking a multitude of attacks from numerous angles, in every aspect of my life now, and it's simply very hard to handle. Never has life been so stagnant of anything but failure.
I'm so very tired of fighting for everything. I'm tired of constantly being let down or trampled on by those around me. I'm tired of never being happy, and I'm just plain tired.
I find little comfort in sleeping now, which is how I've spent the majority of the last 30 days, minus the work on the move.
I feel so done. I'm finished. I wanna hit the reset button. I want to play a new game. I'd like to go somewhere else. I wanna be something else. I want something different. I just want all I know now, to stop, and be anything else.
I don't know if I've been defeated, or if I'm just completely lost. I'm not sure it even matters.
I'm out.
-Beld
I haven't posted much on the various subjects of my life as of late, for numerous reasons. Some are a bit more personal than I usually wish to post. Some I figured I could stop or correct quickly, so no reason to raise a big stink about it. And finally, considering the majority of what I post here is a bit of a downer, I am trying to not be such a whiny bitch in my journal. I tried =p
Anywho, I am currently trapped in a very "bad" place, for many reasons, and despite my best efforts, I cannot seem to get myself out of it.
I am a prisoner of my own home. I have been forced to rely on other people for various reasons, and all of them but 1 have let me down. I truly feel now the only way to live, is to never rely on anyone ever. When they let you down, you may not recover.
I am a prisoner of my own attempts at a social life, and for the first time ever, I am a finacial prison to myself, for reasons implied above.
I simply don't know what I'm doing anymore. That isn't to say, I've lost my goals, or my direction, I simply don't know how to advance anymore. Every turn I've made the last few months, I've been cut off at the balls. I'm out of avenues. I just don't see any more options to currently improve my life. I feel very very powerless, for the first time in my life.
My job goes well, I am not restless there, and I make good money, tho not enough for all my current uncontrollable problems.
Other than that 1 thing...I'm simply lost. I don't know what I'm suppose to do when I'm awake anymore, if im not going to or going from work.
I've been in a constant battle with depression for many years. It runs in the family, i've had more than my share of hardships and bad luck, but not in years have I let it beat me down. I've been very proud to say, I've never let it get the better of me, and I've done it with the assistance of drugs, legal, medic or recreational.
2 things that have always kept me going is, always finding a way to improve myself or my standing in life, no matter what was going on, and the idea that things will get better for me, primary in my social life.
Right now, and for the last 70something days, I have been unable to move anything in a positive direction. I have tried many different ways, one even as drastic as involving an out of state move (not brought on by anything sudden, this was well thought out and brought on by many factors) but even this I was unable to accomplish due to forces beyond my control.
As for the social life aspect, I've put more effort into it in the last 6 months, that I ever have in my entire life. I'm finding that all more effort brings, is a greater opportunity for more dissapointment and failure, in number count and type. It's...crushing, to say the least.
Anyways, im taking a multitude of attacks from numerous angles, in every aspect of my life now, and it's simply very hard to handle. Never has life been so stagnant of anything but failure.
I'm so very tired of fighting for everything. I'm tired of constantly being let down or trampled on by those around me. I'm tired of never being happy, and I'm just plain tired.
I find little comfort in sleeping now, which is how I've spent the majority of the last 30 days, minus the work on the move.
I feel so done. I'm finished. I wanna hit the reset button. I want to play a new game. I'd like to go somewhere else. I wanna be something else. I want something different. I just want all I know now, to stop, and be anything else.
I don't know if I've been defeated, or if I'm just completely lost. I'm not sure it even matters.
I'm out.
-Beld