Loss
I feel I have become an expert on the subject of this title.
Some may disagree with me. Others won't
Loss can be inturpreted in many ways in many relations. Some types of loss effect others more greatly than some.
To some people, losing material possessions or things like money, credit, etc, are extreme, where as losing something intangible, respect, love etc, isnt as big. To others its reversed. All depends on the person and what they have trouble with in life really.
Material possessions, while anyone who knows me, I am a big fan of, are not an issue I lump with this. I firmly believe, and always have, anything I have any semblance of control over, I won't lose. If I DO something to cause it to be lost, I learn from my mistake, rectify the situation and improve upon my original goal. This is one reason I unfortunately take almost no pride in what I consider a "normal" accomplishment. Anything I know I can do whenever I want, no matter how hard it is, doesnt give me any sense of accomplishment. I did it, I knew I could, its done, next. This is my thought process. But im getting off topic...
My problem comes from things I have ZERO control over, or when something I have a semblance of control over, fails due to things I cannot effect. This is not to say I have a control issue as it were, I dont desire or need to be in control of things. Its nice, and I do PREFER it, but i'm realistic, and know this isnt how things work. I also know when someone is more capable of controlling something than I am, and I simply step aside and learn from them.
Now...back to loss. I have lost many things in my recent years. I've basically had 4 life "resets" in my life. I've lost cars, literally years worth of free time, my history, 2 loves, a slew of psychotic bitches I called girlfriends, most of my family in 1 way or another, computers, all kinds of shit. Some of these have clearly effected me more than others. Anyone who knows the depths of my anger and bitterness toward most women these days can attest to that.
Anyways, 1 thing thats always effected me more than anything, is the loss of friends. No, Im not coupling women in here.
See, im a very social person, but im selectively social. I've never had alot of friends, just a few good ones, I prefer it this way. I don't make friends easy. I have very little in common with most people my age, so I lack alot of common ground with other folks. So when I find a good solid friend, esp one I share things in common with, I keep them close. They mean alot to me. I look after my friends more than anything else.
About 2 years ago, I had an opportunity to leave Arizona. I'd be getting a better job, be with the small part of my family I truly wish to be with, and overall have a better life. I didn't take it for 2 reasons.
1: I dislike having things handed to me, I like to get it myself.
2: I actually had a life here in AZ. I had friends, a nice group I could count on. They kept me here. I felt finally like a real person with a real life. At least as much of one as I'd like to have.
So, the idea of losing any of my small group of friends, is downright scary to me. Losing any of my best friends, would be crippling.
Among all my loss, trials, and pure and simple bullshit i've been thru in the last year, the last 4 months have been the worst.
I have lost my 3 best friends all within this span, all to completely different things. How many crushing blows to my emotional state can I endure?
Im not trying to go all emo on anyone here, or whine and cry about my current position. Im just sharing my thoughts with the few people who read this and care, so they know why I've been so out of touch lately, and why my current disposition is total shit.
First there was the Jeremy debacle. Thats its own retardedly convuluted bullshit epic tale of crap. Hes back in my life to a degree, thank goodness for small favors, and hes recovered from his momentary lapse in sanity. But its not the same. It never will be.
Jjjosh had his day in court, and it went as poorly as we feared. He is now incarcerated for the next 15 fucking years. I won't be able to visit him for about 2 months or so. It completely sucks. Saying goodbye to him is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I've lived with him for 4 years, and known him for about 5. Guy meant alot to me. He was far from perfect, but he was my friend. I love the guy. Im glad I got the chance to tell him, but saying goodbye and how sudden it was didnt make it a good way to see him go.
Big Josh however, that was the real shocker. Possibly even more so than Jeremy. Explaining the whole story is pointless. You can always call me if you truly need to know but, hes practically changed overnight. Honestly over about...3 weeks, due to his new group of friends. He completely ditched us (jjjosh, myself, and all his friends from the game shop and our DnD group). He also screwed me out of close to $1000 in rent, leaving me high and dry and flat fucking broke, and did this the same month Jjosh was leaving for prison. We wont get into all the other things he did, but trust me, it was sudden, brutal on my side of things, and downright heartless, and completely uncalled for. No one has ANY idea what his problem is or what happened to him, but he is happy with his decision, so fuck him.
I am only doing "ok" now because John bailed me out and was able to move in with me asap. John is a good friend, but hes never been an ultra close friend. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise and John and I can become better friends. Who knows....im actually trying to look for a positive spin on things for once. Thats a first =p.
Anywho, I have been very out of touch due to my stress issues (and theres alot of them) financial issues, as easily realized above, a changing of jobs and sheduales, and I have almost no free time anymore (I work about 54 hours a week between my 2 jobs) andI really have lost connection with anything NOT having to do with work. I don't know anyone anymore.
Everyone I see on a weekly basis, is gone.
I have nothing.
Now, Im not saying that like "omg I have nothing im done for" or any bullshit like that. I got my bills together, I can keep the house, my shit is taken care of.
However, I ask you to look at my writing above, about loss, whats important, and what isnt.
I don't WANT anything I have right now, I want my friends back. I want my life back.
I wake up, drive to work, type for 8-9 hours, go get some food, go home, sit on the comp or clean the house, stay up later than I should doing nothing, than sleep. On Sundays, I do nothing.
Im not sad....im not even bored, or sick and tired of doing the same thing. I'm...I'm nothing. Im just totally numb to whats going on. I don't know how else to react to this kinda thing anymore.
Getting depressed wont help. I mean, im down, im totally unhappy, but I've been down the depression road before. It solves nothing. So no, you dont have to put me on suicide watch or anything =p.
I just don't know what to do anymore, I don't know why I wake up. I don't know why I go to work other than to pay bills. Im just numb. im on auto pilot. Im not living, I simply exist.
I highly dislike this, but I'm out of answers.
So, I apologize to my friends on here who I have been neglecting. My free time has been little, my mood has been horrid, and i shall be making amends soon. I also need to find someone who can view or load a fucking website SQL file for me =p
Anyways, this post is long enough. I'll update again later, hopefully when something good happens. Or, when I break a new record im working on...no, its not a good one heh.
Later
-B
Some may disagree with me. Others won't
Loss can be inturpreted in many ways in many relations. Some types of loss effect others more greatly than some.
To some people, losing material possessions or things like money, credit, etc, are extreme, where as losing something intangible, respect, love etc, isnt as big. To others its reversed. All depends on the person and what they have trouble with in life really.
Material possessions, while anyone who knows me, I am a big fan of, are not an issue I lump with this. I firmly believe, and always have, anything I have any semblance of control over, I won't lose. If I DO something to cause it to be lost, I learn from my mistake, rectify the situation and improve upon my original goal. This is one reason I unfortunately take almost no pride in what I consider a "normal" accomplishment. Anything I know I can do whenever I want, no matter how hard it is, doesnt give me any sense of accomplishment. I did it, I knew I could, its done, next. This is my thought process. But im getting off topic...
My problem comes from things I have ZERO control over, or when something I have a semblance of control over, fails due to things I cannot effect. This is not to say I have a control issue as it were, I dont desire or need to be in control of things. Its nice, and I do PREFER it, but i'm realistic, and know this isnt how things work. I also know when someone is more capable of controlling something than I am, and I simply step aside and learn from them.
Now...back to loss. I have lost many things in my recent years. I've basically had 4 life "resets" in my life. I've lost cars, literally years worth of free time, my history, 2 loves, a slew of psychotic bitches I called girlfriends, most of my family in 1 way or another, computers, all kinds of shit. Some of these have clearly effected me more than others. Anyone who knows the depths of my anger and bitterness toward most women these days can attest to that.
Anyways, 1 thing thats always effected me more than anything, is the loss of friends. No, Im not coupling women in here.
See, im a very social person, but im selectively social. I've never had alot of friends, just a few good ones, I prefer it this way. I don't make friends easy. I have very little in common with most people my age, so I lack alot of common ground with other folks. So when I find a good solid friend, esp one I share things in common with, I keep them close. They mean alot to me. I look after my friends more than anything else.
About 2 years ago, I had an opportunity to leave Arizona. I'd be getting a better job, be with the small part of my family I truly wish to be with, and overall have a better life. I didn't take it for 2 reasons.
1: I dislike having things handed to me, I like to get it myself.
2: I actually had a life here in AZ. I had friends, a nice group I could count on. They kept me here. I felt finally like a real person with a real life. At least as much of one as I'd like to have.
So, the idea of losing any of my small group of friends, is downright scary to me. Losing any of my best friends, would be crippling.
Among all my loss, trials, and pure and simple bullshit i've been thru in the last year, the last 4 months have been the worst.
I have lost my 3 best friends all within this span, all to completely different things. How many crushing blows to my emotional state can I endure?
Im not trying to go all emo on anyone here, or whine and cry about my current position. Im just sharing my thoughts with the few people who read this and care, so they know why I've been so out of touch lately, and why my current disposition is total shit.
First there was the Jeremy debacle. Thats its own retardedly convuluted bullshit epic tale of crap. Hes back in my life to a degree, thank goodness for small favors, and hes recovered from his momentary lapse in sanity. But its not the same. It never will be.
Jjjosh had his day in court, and it went as poorly as we feared. He is now incarcerated for the next 15 fucking years. I won't be able to visit him for about 2 months or so. It completely sucks. Saying goodbye to him is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I've lived with him for 4 years, and known him for about 5. Guy meant alot to me. He was far from perfect, but he was my friend. I love the guy. Im glad I got the chance to tell him, but saying goodbye and how sudden it was didnt make it a good way to see him go.
Big Josh however, that was the real shocker. Possibly even more so than Jeremy. Explaining the whole story is pointless. You can always call me if you truly need to know but, hes practically changed overnight. Honestly over about...3 weeks, due to his new group of friends. He completely ditched us (jjjosh, myself, and all his friends from the game shop and our DnD group). He also screwed me out of close to $1000 in rent, leaving me high and dry and flat fucking broke, and did this the same month Jjosh was leaving for prison. We wont get into all the other things he did, but trust me, it was sudden, brutal on my side of things, and downright heartless, and completely uncalled for. No one has ANY idea what his problem is or what happened to him, but he is happy with his decision, so fuck him.
I am only doing "ok" now because John bailed me out and was able to move in with me asap. John is a good friend, but hes never been an ultra close friend. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise and John and I can become better friends. Who knows....im actually trying to look for a positive spin on things for once. Thats a first =p.
Anywho, I have been very out of touch due to my stress issues (and theres alot of them) financial issues, as easily realized above, a changing of jobs and sheduales, and I have almost no free time anymore (I work about 54 hours a week between my 2 jobs) andI really have lost connection with anything NOT having to do with work. I don't know anyone anymore.
Everyone I see on a weekly basis, is gone.
I have nothing.
Now, Im not saying that like "omg I have nothing im done for" or any bullshit like that. I got my bills together, I can keep the house, my shit is taken care of.
However, I ask you to look at my writing above, about loss, whats important, and what isnt.
I don't WANT anything I have right now, I want my friends back. I want my life back.
I wake up, drive to work, type for 8-9 hours, go get some food, go home, sit on the comp or clean the house, stay up later than I should doing nothing, than sleep. On Sundays, I do nothing.
Im not sad....im not even bored, or sick and tired of doing the same thing. I'm...I'm nothing. Im just totally numb to whats going on. I don't know how else to react to this kinda thing anymore.
Getting depressed wont help. I mean, im down, im totally unhappy, but I've been down the depression road before. It solves nothing. So no, you dont have to put me on suicide watch or anything =p.
I just don't know what to do anymore, I don't know why I wake up. I don't know why I go to work other than to pay bills. Im just numb. im on auto pilot. Im not living, I simply exist.
I highly dislike this, but I'm out of answers.
So, I apologize to my friends on here who I have been neglecting. My free time has been little, my mood has been horrid, and i shall be making amends soon. I also need to find someone who can view or load a fucking website SQL file for me =p
Anyways, this post is long enough. I'll update again later, hopefully when something good happens. Or, when I break a new record im working on...no, its not a good one heh.
Later
-B