"I'm glad I'm not bisexual; I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women."
Its funny.
Everyone who knows me knows about my bouts.
Somedays I am completely fine, other days I can not sleep. Pathetic displays of weakness, it sickens me.
Its weird how memories can stir inside a person such emotion as to make them silent. Lately my newest obsession is lying still at night and listening to my own heartbeat. As a freshmen in highschool I was sitting at cabaret practice watching a dance routine and everything went silent for me. IT was as if everything was going in slow motion. I pictured the hearts of all those women beating in synch and I came to the realization that the heart is what keeps us all moving. The Beautiful beating of a drum hidden by layers of flesh and bone, but significant enough that you can lie on the heart of your lover and hear it singing to you. I tried explaining it to someone and you know what I did? I cried... She said that she thought it was amazing that I felt so strongly about it. But I think I was really crying because I knew that no matter how I wanted to, I could not articulate it in a way to make her feel as passionatly about it as I did. Without that bloody muscle we would cease to exist. My goal in life is to find the person whos heart beats only for me. I wonder if their is someone out there who lies alone and silent listening to his heart beat?
hes probably a f-ing serial killer. that would be my luck.
I have no luck in these departments. Everyone tells me that I will find the right person when I am at least expecting it, when I am not looking. My dad says that the right person will cross my path one day and will fall in love with me right there and I will feel the same.
when will parents stop feeding their kids fairy tales?
Why arent people straight foward? this is what I would like parents to tell their kids:
You know what danielle, love really sucks. The chances of you finding someone that will love you true for the rest of their life, you know prince charming, is the stuff for the cinemas like that fucking movie The notebook. that author writes such pretty words, but love is really fighting and scraping and one always feels stronger then the other, one always wants to hold on while the other fades away, one always gets fucked when the other person cheats, lies, launders money from their company Whatever!. . And even when you find a couple that actually likes each other well sweety that aint a picnic either because everyone has their problems. Thats life Danielle, war. Put on your armor kid because it can get rough on the front lines. " at least then children would be prepared.
At least thats honesty. I dont say that we should scare kids,our parents own relationships are scary enough, I just think we have to prepare them because there is a lot of heartbreak before there is settling down, if a person ever settles down. Everyday people get hurt whether your male or female. Everyday a little peice of somones heart dies on behalf of another person. Its weird how humans are so trusting of one another. We like to think that people that tell us they love us will never hurt us.Maybe sometimes there are valid reasons for separation and hurt like in my own pathetic case, but there are other people who get fed lines every day and then succomb to hurt by a person who states they were going to work a late shift but really went to happy hour at the local bar and shacked up with some nobody. You give them your love they give you thier apathy. Sad sad sad pathetic pathetic pathetic.
We all wear little signs on our backs that read "hurt me hurt me!!". Lets just make sure we are being hurt by people that are deserving.
Thats another problem I think we have today. People do not pay attention to the signs that others give us. When a person wants to show us their real colors we should let them. I think you can learn a lot about a person in the first five minutes of conversation. You can learn for example if they are a person of substance ( how well do they articulate thmselves? do they use proper english) you can learn if they are considerate ( are there people with them? do they introdcue them to you?) If they are friendly ( dothey extend a hand and a smile?) . Sometimes a person deserves a little more time. For example some people are just shy and need to warm up to others. Soem people have social anxiety like my father who generally walks away from situations because he feels weird talking to strangers. Then there are those cold people that you should just back away from.
they dont make eye contact. they give you a weak handshake and a fake smile ( we all know what that looks like) they are aloof and have the one raised eyebrow thing like they are surveying you, like they are weighing your worth. My friend Matt states that an asshole is an asshole all the time. There is never any of this " but they were so nice to me " nonsense. How a person treats other people,that is how we should decide whether a person is worth our time. They can be nice and sweet and kind to us as individuals , but if they are mean sarcastic and an asshole to other people then we have to question what their main objectiveis in being sweet to us . one word: manipulation. My psych teacher warns
"be careful of those that will bless you with lots of compliments for these are the people that are trying to bend you to their will." So my dear friends. i leave you with one caveat
"give a man a free hand and he will run it all over you." ~ mae west.
My sincerest wishes that all your dreams come true.
Danielle E. Brazil