forgive my long bouts of nothing-to-say-ness please
ok, here's something kinda interesting... back on the 6th of this month i posted an entry in which i said: "i worked last night and had a 30 minute overlap with her. i had taken out my earring (we both wore the same earring in the bottom hole of our right ears, a sort of friendship earring. her having one, i the other). i think that was a really big blow. ever seen pain in someone's eyes? that's what her's looked like. pain. the thing that kills me is i don't feel really bad about it. i've never hurt someone and not tried to fix it. i didn't hurt her intentionally at the start and i'm not going out of my way to hurt her now; i just don't care. i can't let her have that part of me. it was wonderful while we had it and i'm very grateful that her and her family were in my life. i'd love to be her friend again, but i can't do it all by myself. i can't forget if she won't. i didn't hurt her on purpose. that's the only thing she doesn't get. i'm sorry she got hurt at all, but it was her choice to take it that way. hers and hers alone..."
now, if you read that the way it was written i didn't attack her. i didn't make a point to "slam" or hurt her. i simply said what was going on. i even made a point to say that i'd like to try to fix it. i miss her. i'm sorry she's sick and hurt and i'm really sorry she thinks it's all my fault. but a few weeks later i get a response: "sociopaths and serial killers inflict pain on others and feel little remorse for their actions. feel good to be in that category? i feel sorry for you and anyone in your life. this person is so much better off without you. just a word for you. karma."
i think that was a little bitchy. i've asked the people i know if it was any of them. so now i ask whoever put that there (and i'm pretty sure i know who it was, just never guessed they would use such an un-catholic word as 'karma') to have the balls to say it was them. i don't think that's too much to ask. but you do what you have to do. i'll be the sociopath; you be the person who throws stones so long as no one knows where they came from. at least i don't play games with my shit; i say what i see. but anyways... at this point i'm just getting a little pissed.
last night i got drunk. great fun. it had been sooooo long since last i did that. yay! and my best friend came over and i had two cigs with her... oh how the mighty have fallen.. but it was so wonderful!
it felt so guilty afterwords though. i have a very real reason for feeling that way but i can't bring myself to say it or even type it. i just can't believe i had a cig and i loved it. it was like breathing again after being held underwater. ugh. but not again. not for a while anyhow. i can't take the guilt. i... just... can't... take ... it........... lol
so tonight i'm gonna go to a friend's graduation. and i look good too. lol. but anyways... should be fun in any case. then i work tomorrow morning. should be even more fun. but for the moment i suppose that's it. until the next time i actually think of something else to say.....
p.s.-- i dyed my hair (yes i know, it had been like 6 weeks. what took me so long, right?) no more black; it's all about the brilliant red. just in time for the hot weather! woop woop!!!! nothing quite like the "i just dyed my hair!!!" feeling, huh?
now, if you read that the way it was written i didn't attack her. i didn't make a point to "slam" or hurt her. i simply said what was going on. i even made a point to say that i'd like to try to fix it. i miss her. i'm sorry she's sick and hurt and i'm really sorry she thinks it's all my fault. but a few weeks later i get a response: "sociopaths and serial killers inflict pain on others and feel little remorse for their actions. feel good to be in that category? i feel sorry for you and anyone in your life. this person is so much better off without you. just a word for you. karma."
i think that was a little bitchy. i've asked the people i know if it was any of them. so now i ask whoever put that there (and i'm pretty sure i know who it was, just never guessed they would use such an un-catholic word as 'karma') to have the balls to say it was them. i don't think that's too much to ask. but you do what you have to do. i'll be the sociopath; you be the person who throws stones so long as no one knows where they came from. at least i don't play games with my shit; i say what i see. but anyways... at this point i'm just getting a little pissed.
last night i got drunk. great fun. it had been sooooo long since last i did that. yay! and my best friend came over and i had two cigs with her... oh how the mighty have fallen.. but it was so wonderful!
it felt so guilty afterwords though. i have a very real reason for feeling that way but i can't bring myself to say it or even type it. i just can't believe i had a cig and i loved it. it was like breathing again after being held underwater. ugh. but not again. not for a while anyhow. i can't take the guilt. i... just... can't... take ... it........... lol
so tonight i'm gonna go to a friend's graduation. and i look good too. lol. but anyways... should be fun in any case. then i work tomorrow morning. should be even more fun. but for the moment i suppose that's it. until the next time i actually think of something else to say.....
p.s.-- i dyed my hair (yes i know, it had been like 6 weeks. what took me so long, right?) no more black; it's all about the brilliant red. just in time for the hot weather! woop woop!!!! nothing quite like the "i just dyed my hair!!!" feeling, huh?