what to say... what to say...

[beladona_took]

so.. guess what? i have a lot on my mind. are we all surprised? thought so... i know, i know... you're thinking "you??? have a lot on your mind? really?". yes really, i'll go on. now, i was always of the belief that the brain was the one thing in your body that literally could not feel pain... yet here i sit and my brain hurts. i so wish i had an off switch. lol.. maybe i need medication. you know i've actually thought about that. and if it weren't that i'd have to sit and talk to someone about it i'd probably look into it. i've had some people tell me "no, you don't want to do that. sure you don't feel the lows anymore, but that's because you don't feel anything." now, as much as this might change in 24 hours, at this exact moment that seems like a fair trade to me. i'm thinking i'm bi-polar or something. there are moments when i'm the happiest person in the world and five minutes later i'm in the lowest low a person can go through... i talked to my best friend about this and she said something that actually made sense. she told me to think back on my life. it's been a little odd here and there, but all in all an over-protected, safe and secure, dull existence. then she told me to look back on the last 18 months. now i've had some major, life changing shit happen to me in my life, but all in all it's been spread over 18 years. then, the january before i turned 19 stuffed just started happening rapid fire... the major life changing events that i've had in the last 18 months are probably just as many as i'd had in the previous 18 years. now, it's been different stuff, but it's affected me just as much in a more condensed amount of time. so why wouldn't i feel major highs and lows? you know that actually made me feel a little better. i know she doesn't read this but i want to thank her anyway.. thanks. you mean so very much to me.
so until my next burst of joy or major breakdown; whichever comes first... much love!