memories...
ok so i found my old journal from last year today. its crazy. im going to write some stuff from it here. dont be scared. haha.
THIS IS OLD. LAST YEAR
"i am scared this is one feeling i kno i have, all the others i have no clue wat they are. i seriosly think im addicted to deprression and everything that comes with it. i feel like a junkie. that i hate it but i have to have it. i wish i never tried it (like in the since of herioin), or had it. with it i long i didnt have it. this feeling is normal and comfertable. my knees hurt. i think im going to write down exactly wat im thinking to change my feelins. i think i worry too much. i hate taking those meds bc they make me not able to cry. like theyve dried up my tear ducts. i need to cry. i want to cry. this shaking feeling is really scaring me. i swear to god my whole body is shaking. WHY DOESNT ANYBODY ELSE SEE OR FEEL IT?!!......it scares me to know that theres a whole nother worl going on inside my head and i have no clue whats happening and i cant stop it. or it takes alot of energy to change and i have to have the help of meds but im so like exahsted and scared and vunerable and those all mixed make me hurt. my knees really really hurt. damn now its physical and emotional pain....i wish i was depressed at all. bc if i just stp being depressed i will maybe relapse....ive put all my energy into like staying alive...sometimes i hate myself bc i need something that i dont want, like when i cry i dont want comfort but i kno i need it." -feb 2nd 2003
"...im scared, i scare the shit out of me alot. im scared that ill kill myself. i contemplate suicide alot. im scared of that. that shows i have some sanity left, right?...im scared of myself. im scared of being alive and dying or wanting to die, if i cut myself that doesnt mean i want to die, just that i dont want to be scared." -feb 10th 2003
"i feel really sad right now. im scared that jessika will hurt herself. i dont but do want her to go to the hospitak. im so worried. i dont want to loose her. o god please help. i need something to make me happy. this feeling of sadness is so wierd. its really scary. right now living is the hardest thing i have evcer done." feb 12th 2003
ok yea so there you go. have fun.
THIS IS OLD. LAST YEAR
"i am scared this is one feeling i kno i have, all the others i have no clue wat they are. i seriosly think im addicted to deprression and everything that comes with it. i feel like a junkie. that i hate it but i have to have it. i wish i never tried it (like in the since of herioin), or had it. with it i long i didnt have it. this feeling is normal and comfertable. my knees hurt. i think im going to write down exactly wat im thinking to change my feelins. i think i worry too much. i hate taking those meds bc they make me not able to cry. like theyve dried up my tear ducts. i need to cry. i want to cry. this shaking feeling is really scaring me. i swear to god my whole body is shaking. WHY DOESNT ANYBODY ELSE SEE OR FEEL IT?!!......it scares me to know that theres a whole nother worl going on inside my head and i have no clue whats happening and i cant stop it. or it takes alot of energy to change and i have to have the help of meds but im so like exahsted and scared and vunerable and those all mixed make me hurt. my knees really really hurt. damn now its physical and emotional pain....i wish i was depressed at all. bc if i just stp being depressed i will maybe relapse....ive put all my energy into like staying alive...sometimes i hate myself bc i need something that i dont want, like when i cry i dont want comfort but i kno i need it." -feb 2nd 2003
"...im scared, i scare the shit out of me alot. im scared that ill kill myself. i contemplate suicide alot. im scared of that. that shows i have some sanity left, right?...im scared of myself. im scared of being alive and dying or wanting to die, if i cut myself that doesnt mean i want to die, just that i dont want to be scared." -feb 10th 2003
"i feel really sad right now. im scared that jessika will hurt herself. i dont but do want her to go to the hospitak. im so worried. i dont want to loose her. o god please help. i need something to make me happy. this feeling of sadness is so wierd. its really scary. right now living is the hardest thing i have evcer done." feb 12th 2003
ok yea so there you go. have fun.