Nineteen years ago today...
...I was born.
It seems so long ago and yet so recently that I turned 18.
The LJ icon/"userpic" that I'm using for this entry was taken one year ago today.
And I'm thinking about how far I've come. How much I've improved.
I kind of can't even believe it. So much has changed.
I wasn't in a good space last year at this time. I was a wreck.
And it's amazing how much change one short year can hold.
Not like a year is short, or anything. It's all relative to whatever holds your focus.
And I'm finding that I care a little less about birthdays each year.
I haven't had a "birthday party" in so long. Years. Since I was 15 or so, I think.
We do something special for my birthday every year, or whatever... But nothing huge and party-esque.
I just got back to my life in Vermont after being home in New Hampshire for a week, and I'm realizing now how much I really do need to be away from home.
For so long, I didn't believe that it was a good thing for me to be away from home, even if it was so I could work on improving myself and becoming my own entity. I thought I was okay with the thought of staying home, living in my parents' house for the rest of my life. I thought I'd be fine with being the 35-year-old crazy lady with six cats living in her parents' basement, playing video games and eating macaroni and cheese all day, every day, for the rest of my life.
I know why I thought those things, too.
It's what I was used to. It's what I would've been comfortable with.
Now I do know that I've made a good decision by moving out from my family's house.
I know that this is the step that made the most difference.
I hate to admit it.
And on a different note:
My mother has been accepted on the list for a liver down in Florida.
She might move in a matter of a few weeks.
That means that I don't know what the hell I'll be doing for the holidays. But I'm sure it will all work out in the long run.
I'm so extremely grateful that she might get a transplant, but at the same time I can't even wrap my head around the idea.
She's been struggling with this stupid, unknown illness that has caused her liver to slowly stop functioning for so long now. Almost two years.
It's affected me greatly. And it's affected my family.
Of course, most of all, it has affected her.
Her fatigue and frailness might be going away finally.
And soon.
People in Florida [as opposed to New England, which is apparently one of the hardest places in the US to get an organ transplant] tend to wait an average of 2 to 6 or 8 months for a liver, Mom says. She says that she's heard of people waiting only a couple DAYS before they get the transplant.
It's crazy.
She might be, to put it plainly, all better.
Soon.
This is kind of amazing.
When I was home, I went to the barn where my sister goes to ride her horse.
I was taking pictures of the horses in their stalls with the camera on my cell phone.
I ended up meeting this horse--I think his name is Hopi--who I think I met before, but never really got to spend time with.
Well, I said to my mom that this horse was very sweet. He was as gentle as could be.
Mom went up to him and started petting his face, and she told me about how he's a survivor. He's an old man and he dislocated his hip, but he fought through it and lived. Mom said that he was very similar to her in that regard.
I took some pictures with my phone.
I don't know if Mom will appreciate me putting this picture up here, because she says she looks awful in it, or whatever...
But I feel the need to include this image.
This speaks to me.
It seems so long ago and yet so recently that I turned 18.
The LJ icon/"userpic" that I'm using for this entry was taken one year ago today.
And I'm thinking about how far I've come. How much I've improved.
I kind of can't even believe it. So much has changed.
I wasn't in a good space last year at this time. I was a wreck.
And it's amazing how much change one short year can hold.
Not like a year is short, or anything. It's all relative to whatever holds your focus.
And I'm finding that I care a little less about birthdays each year.
I haven't had a "birthday party" in so long. Years. Since I was 15 or so, I think.
We do something special for my birthday every year, or whatever... But nothing huge and party-esque.
I just got back to my life in Vermont after being home in New Hampshire for a week, and I'm realizing now how much I really do need to be away from home.
For so long, I didn't believe that it was a good thing for me to be away from home, even if it was so I could work on improving myself and becoming my own entity. I thought I was okay with the thought of staying home, living in my parents' house for the rest of my life. I thought I'd be fine with being the 35-year-old crazy lady with six cats living in her parents' basement, playing video games and eating macaroni and cheese all day, every day, for the rest of my life.
I know why I thought those things, too.
It's what I was used to. It's what I would've been comfortable with.
Now I do know that I've made a good decision by moving out from my family's house.
I know that this is the step that made the most difference.
I hate to admit it.
And on a different note:
My mother has been accepted on the list for a liver down in Florida.
She might move in a matter of a few weeks.
That means that I don't know what the hell I'll be doing for the holidays. But I'm sure it will all work out in the long run.
I'm so extremely grateful that she might get a transplant, but at the same time I can't even wrap my head around the idea.
She's been struggling with this stupid, unknown illness that has caused her liver to slowly stop functioning for so long now. Almost two years.
It's affected me greatly. And it's affected my family.
Of course, most of all, it has affected her.
Her fatigue and frailness might be going away finally.
And soon.
People in Florida [as opposed to New England, which is apparently one of the hardest places in the US to get an organ transplant] tend to wait an average of 2 to 6 or 8 months for a liver, Mom says. She says that she's heard of people waiting only a couple DAYS before they get the transplant.
It's crazy.
She might be, to put it plainly, all better.
Soon.
This is kind of amazing.
When I was home, I went to the barn where my sister goes to ride her horse.
I was taking pictures of the horses in their stalls with the camera on my cell phone.
I ended up meeting this horse--I think his name is Hopi--who I think I met before, but never really got to spend time with.
Well, I said to my mom that this horse was very sweet. He was as gentle as could be.
Mom went up to him and started petting his face, and she told me about how he's a survivor. He's an old man and he dislocated his hip, but he fought through it and lived. Mom said that he was very similar to her in that regard.
I took some pictures with my phone.
I don't know if Mom will appreciate me putting this picture up here, because she says she looks awful in it, or whatever...
But I feel the need to include this image.
This speaks to me.