my favorite day of the year....
it's a little silly, but easter always seems to have a new year feel that january 1st can't hold a candle to. i mean, this is it. i've had another long year of anger, hatred, fuckups, the list goes on. and, just like every year around this time, there's a sudden rememberence of a forgiveness i can't always see or understand, but it's mine. life is mine. damn.
i'm not sure where i stand on almost anything anymore. i live with joshua in his mother's house. with a bunch of family and a nephew. and when i see my family, he hates them all but he goes with me anyway and at least treats them with some kind of respect. (and he does love my dad... but seriously, who doesn't?) he makes me so mad sometimes i could just spit in his eye and run like hell. and he makes me so happy sometimes i could sit here forever, next to him, on our respective computers, playing spider solitaire and listening to baseball on tv.
i'm so different than i used to be. josh's dad asked me a couple weeks ago if i was happy. he's not happy in the life he's chosen, and i think he's worried about me. josh's uncle has given me similar advice, similar questions. it seems i'm entering a family that has a lot of issues. and really, i don't think either of them see that they've become the same type of people against whom they hold such bitterness.
what's important? what do i need to remember and hold close? what is God trying to tell me in the ups and downs of this relationship? joshua is such an amazing person. he can do anything, my own personal clark kent. and yet he's so unhappy, so companion-seeking in his misery. am i happy? not especially. is happiness really the best i can hope for? what about satisfaction? pride? perfection?
it's interesting... i've changed a lot. joshua tells me all the time, how i've grown up so much in the last year. but i never noticed it, or really believed him, until i checked my priorities. pride? i used to giggle when we talked about "eyes with pride" in band, back at dowling. perfection, even satisfaction, couldn't be something i expected from myself. happiness was all i could hope for, even though every happiness is fleeting. but pride? i know better. so long as you work your ass off, and build something you can be proud of, you'll have that forever. and even when the storms come to blow it away, you'll have a memory, and a road map to the next great achievement. and pride. pride in the ability to create something extraordinary, pride in the day you beat the system.
am i happy? i work my ass off at a job i hate. i go to school for theology and watch the hypocrisy in our "loving" faith. i live hours away from any companion save joshua, and he doesn't do much for my spiritual life. he can't understand that side of me, he's got no moral guide in his life. i try to be everything i can possibly be, perfect both physically and spiritually, and i fail. day, after day, after day. i am to blame for every problem in my life, and i recognize it often. i haven't spent nearly as much time laughing as crying. sometimes i even cry when i laugh.
but now i can't blame any accomplishments on dumb luck. i'm reaching past a fleeting "happy" toward a more enduring trophy. maybe i don't want to be happy. maybe i want to be perfect. maybe i want to be proud of myself. maybe i'm just being stupid, maybe there's no satisfaction. but really, there was never any happy, either.
i'm not sure where i stand on almost anything anymore. i live with joshua in his mother's house. with a bunch of family and a nephew. and when i see my family, he hates them all but he goes with me anyway and at least treats them with some kind of respect. (and he does love my dad... but seriously, who doesn't?) he makes me so mad sometimes i could just spit in his eye and run like hell. and he makes me so happy sometimes i could sit here forever, next to him, on our respective computers, playing spider solitaire and listening to baseball on tv.
i'm so different than i used to be. josh's dad asked me a couple weeks ago if i was happy. he's not happy in the life he's chosen, and i think he's worried about me. josh's uncle has given me similar advice, similar questions. it seems i'm entering a family that has a lot of issues. and really, i don't think either of them see that they've become the same type of people against whom they hold such bitterness.
what's important? what do i need to remember and hold close? what is God trying to tell me in the ups and downs of this relationship? joshua is such an amazing person. he can do anything, my own personal clark kent. and yet he's so unhappy, so companion-seeking in his misery. am i happy? not especially. is happiness really the best i can hope for? what about satisfaction? pride? perfection?
it's interesting... i've changed a lot. joshua tells me all the time, how i've grown up so much in the last year. but i never noticed it, or really believed him, until i checked my priorities. pride? i used to giggle when we talked about "eyes with pride" in band, back at dowling. perfection, even satisfaction, couldn't be something i expected from myself. happiness was all i could hope for, even though every happiness is fleeting. but pride? i know better. so long as you work your ass off, and build something you can be proud of, you'll have that forever. and even when the storms come to blow it away, you'll have a memory, and a road map to the next great achievement. and pride. pride in the ability to create something extraordinary, pride in the day you beat the system.
am i happy? i work my ass off at a job i hate. i go to school for theology and watch the hypocrisy in our "loving" faith. i live hours away from any companion save joshua, and he doesn't do much for my spiritual life. he can't understand that side of me, he's got no moral guide in his life. i try to be everything i can possibly be, perfect both physically and spiritually, and i fail. day, after day, after day. i am to blame for every problem in my life, and i recognize it often. i haven't spent nearly as much time laughing as crying. sometimes i even cry when i laugh.
but now i can't blame any accomplishments on dumb luck. i'm reaching past a fleeting "happy" toward a more enduring trophy. maybe i don't want to be happy. maybe i want to be perfect. maybe i want to be proud of myself. maybe i'm just being stupid, maybe there's no satisfaction. but really, there was never any happy, either.