hangover/wreckage
So, you're probably wondering what we're supposed to do now. Well, luckily, I've got some ideas for you! Allow me to submit the following:
Channel your rage into something useful. True, we may be a hung-jury of a nation, and true, we may be the biggest shit out of luck minority in history, but let's be useful. Clean up your house--you can't just leave all those broken bottles, used needles, and other election detritus lying around. Send that shit to the needy--they're going to need it.
Make someone feel better. Shaking with an apoplectic fit? Make the most of your uncontrollable movement and give somebody a massage. They'll appreciate it!
Broaden your horizons. If you just can't find it in yourself to move beyond your computer desk, you pathetic fuck, the least you could do is branch out and try a new drink. Think of these few days as your free ticket to being a shitfaced asshole. Most people will understand. They'll be the ones who pour you another. You'll be able to easily identify republicans, because they'll be the ones who gently wake you up with their steel-toed boots when you're passed out under your desk. They wouldn't want you to miss any of the fun!
Make peace with yourself. You're not a bad person because you agreed with Tucker Carlson on something. Those exit polls really were useless.
Don't bomb Ohio. Please. I, um, have family there and stuff. See suggestion #1.
There may be hope yet. No, not now, dumbass. Remember Ted Williams. Donate to Alcor.
Think positive! At least Florida didn't assfuck the nation twice in a row! Good work, Florida! You overcame fucked up equipment, fucked up systems, and a state full of dumbass officials, and managed to pull off a Republican sweep! WHAT DOES IT TAKE, FLORIDA?? YOU WERE WARNED FOUR TIMES THIS SPRING.
Remember, there's always someone worse off than you. Like this guy:
And a final note--congratulations to Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Michigan, Mississippi, Montana, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon and Utah. Way to take a stand! I'm predicting 100% worldwide forgiveness for our invasions, sanctions, "cause I said so" policies, and general asshattery, on the basis that at least we're keeping those goddamn faggots and dykes from getting health insurance breaks. Thank Christ!
See, it's going to be okay.
Or at least, I think it is. I'm kind of drunk right now, and I'm not sure I'm reading things right. Also, am blinded by vitriolic hate. But whatever!!
Channel your rage into something useful. True, we may be a hung-jury of a nation, and true, we may be the biggest shit out of luck minority in history, but let's be useful. Clean up your house--you can't just leave all those broken bottles, used needles, and other election detritus lying around. Send that shit to the needy--they're going to need it.
Make someone feel better. Shaking with an apoplectic fit? Make the most of your uncontrollable movement and give somebody a massage. They'll appreciate it!
Broaden your horizons. If you just can't find it in yourself to move beyond your computer desk, you pathetic fuck, the least you could do is branch out and try a new drink. Think of these few days as your free ticket to being a shitfaced asshole. Most people will understand. They'll be the ones who pour you another. You'll be able to easily identify republicans, because they'll be the ones who gently wake you up with their steel-toed boots when you're passed out under your desk. They wouldn't want you to miss any of the fun!
Make peace with yourself. You're not a bad person because you agreed with Tucker Carlson on something. Those exit polls really were useless.
Don't bomb Ohio. Please. I, um, have family there and stuff. See suggestion #1.
There may be hope yet. No, not now, dumbass. Remember Ted Williams. Donate to Alcor.
Think positive! At least Florida didn't assfuck the nation twice in a row! Good work, Florida! You overcame fucked up equipment, fucked up systems, and a state full of dumbass officials, and managed to pull off a Republican sweep! WHAT DOES IT TAKE, FLORIDA?? YOU WERE WARNED FOUR TIMES THIS SPRING.
Remember, there's always someone worse off than you. Like this guy:
And a final note--congratulations to Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Michigan, Mississippi, Montana, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon and Utah. Way to take a stand! I'm predicting 100% worldwide forgiveness for our invasions, sanctions, "cause I said so" policies, and general asshattery, on the basis that at least we're keeping those goddamn faggots and dykes from getting health insurance breaks. Thank Christ!
See, it's going to be okay.
Or at least, I think it is. I'm kind of drunk right now, and I'm not sure I'm reading things right. Also, am blinded by vitriolic hate. But whatever!!