S-A-F-E-T-Y Dance.
I, like a zillion other human beings on this planet, have intimacy issues. I’ve got a lot of friends who are having some serious relationship problems right now who are asking me (!?) for advice. Who on earth would want relationship advice from someone who hasn’t been in a relationship in almost a decade? And when I was involved in one they never lasted longer than 11 months…that was the longest. It was in high school. I suck at relationships. They terrify me and I stay far, far away from them. That is usually my advice to people as well…if you’re having problems and you aren’t happy RUN LIKE HELL. I’m not sure this is the healthiest advice to give someone, but if something isn’t enhancing your life to a greater degree than it is being a pain in your ass then its not working. Move on. Next.
Dispensing all this advice has prompted me to go back and take a good, hard look at my past relationships (and “un-relationships”). I have come to the conclusion that I habitually become involved with men who are utterly and completely emotionally unavailable…no matter how emotionally available they seem to be at the onset of things. I think that on some level I pick up on their unavailability and see that as somehow “safe”. If things don’t work out (which of course it isn’t going to) it isn’t because I was somehow inadequate or that they are rejecting me…it ultimately has nothing to do with me at all. I can “fall” for them because there is no chance in Hell that they will fall for me. This means that I won’t be lead to believe any of that Love bullshit only to have the person up and decide one day say, “Oops! My mistake…is it too late to take everything back?” That’s happened too many times in my life and I think at this point I’m either consciously or subconsciously keeping this from happening…no matter how many tiny little heartdents this causes along the way, they are ultimately much better than a heartbreak. At least you know what you’re getting yourself into. No surprises. You’re prepared…like a Boy Scout. I’ll take physical intimacy over emotional availability any day. Ah, the trials and tribulations of a Carnal Lover.
This is going to sound f-ed up, but I’d rather just not be told how wonderful I am and how much I’m loved than have someone tell me all of that and change their mind. While all the things that said may have be true at the time, if someone changes their mind and takes it all back you feel like you’ve been lied to and that you have “SUCKER” stamped across your forehead. Maybe I’m weird or in the minority, but I don’t say things to someone that I don’t mean way down deep in my core. How do you change your mind about things like that? I don’t think you can.
I know this is highly dysfunctional behavior. I can’t be the only one who does this to themselves. At least I am aware that this is what’s going on, right? I could look at things and think that maybe the only men I attract are the emotionally unavailable ones, but I don’t think that’s possible. I realize that at this age people are looking for a partner to “settle down” with. I’m aware that I am not the most obvious marriage material. I willingly acknowledge that I’m not the kind of girl that men want to bring home to their mothers…I’m obnoxious and loud and crude and I’ve got visible tattoos (egads!) and I’m an actor (horror of horrors!). But I still think that when it all boils down to it I’m just choosing to associate with the wrong men. Not “wrong” men, but safe men…safe in my mind anyway. Sort of akin to pining away for a deeply religious Jewish man whom you know would never marry you unless you converted which is not something that you’d ever be willing to do (this is strictly a metaphor…this isn’t a situation I’ve ever found myself in). This way you can spend all your energy focusing on something you know you'll never get (safety) instead of trying to pursue something that actually might work...or could potentially break your heart (risk).
How do you go about breaking a pattern like this? Is all of this somehow my father’s fault for being emotionally unavailable for me or showing me any affection for the last 23 years of my life? I’d like to think that it isn’t, but it probably is to some degree. Its not his fault. He doesn’t know how to relate to girls…and we’re very much alike, so I completely understand where he’s coming from...and maybe that’s part of the problem. I’m not as emotionally available for my brother as I should be, though I don’t think a sibling-sibling relationship is as pivotal in someone’s life as is a parent-child relationship. My brother seems to have the whole relationship thing down though. He’s been with the same girl FOREVER. Psychology is a bitch
Dispensing all this advice has prompted me to go back and take a good, hard look at my past relationships (and “un-relationships”). I have come to the conclusion that I habitually become involved with men who are utterly and completely emotionally unavailable…no matter how emotionally available they seem to be at the onset of things. I think that on some level I pick up on their unavailability and see that as somehow “safe”. If things don’t work out (which of course it isn’t going to) it isn’t because I was somehow inadequate or that they are rejecting me…it ultimately has nothing to do with me at all. I can “fall” for them because there is no chance in Hell that they will fall for me. This means that I won’t be lead to believe any of that Love bullshit only to have the person up and decide one day say, “Oops! My mistake…is it too late to take everything back?” That’s happened too many times in my life and I think at this point I’m either consciously or subconsciously keeping this from happening…no matter how many tiny little heartdents this causes along the way, they are ultimately much better than a heartbreak. At least you know what you’re getting yourself into. No surprises. You’re prepared…like a Boy Scout. I’ll take physical intimacy over emotional availability any day. Ah, the trials and tribulations of a Carnal Lover.
This is going to sound f-ed up, but I’d rather just not be told how wonderful I am and how much I’m loved than have someone tell me all of that and change their mind. While all the things that said may have be true at the time, if someone changes their mind and takes it all back you feel like you’ve been lied to and that you have “SUCKER” stamped across your forehead. Maybe I’m weird or in the minority, but I don’t say things to someone that I don’t mean way down deep in my core. How do you change your mind about things like that? I don’t think you can.
I know this is highly dysfunctional behavior. I can’t be the only one who does this to themselves. At least I am aware that this is what’s going on, right? I could look at things and think that maybe the only men I attract are the emotionally unavailable ones, but I don’t think that’s possible. I realize that at this age people are looking for a partner to “settle down” with. I’m aware that I am not the most obvious marriage material. I willingly acknowledge that I’m not the kind of girl that men want to bring home to their mothers…I’m obnoxious and loud and crude and I’ve got visible tattoos (egads!) and I’m an actor (horror of horrors!). But I still think that when it all boils down to it I’m just choosing to associate with the wrong men. Not “wrong” men, but safe men…safe in my mind anyway. Sort of akin to pining away for a deeply religious Jewish man whom you know would never marry you unless you converted which is not something that you’d ever be willing to do (this is strictly a metaphor…this isn’t a situation I’ve ever found myself in). This way you can spend all your energy focusing on something you know you'll never get (safety) instead of trying to pursue something that actually might work...or could potentially break your heart (risk).
How do you go about breaking a pattern like this? Is all of this somehow my father’s fault for being emotionally unavailable for me or showing me any affection for the last 23 years of my life? I’d like to think that it isn’t, but it probably is to some degree. Its not his fault. He doesn’t know how to relate to girls…and we’re very much alike, so I completely understand where he’s coming from...and maybe that’s part of the problem. I’m not as emotionally available for my brother as I should be, though I don’t think a sibling-sibling relationship is as pivotal in someone’s life as is a parent-child relationship. My brother seems to have the whole relationship thing down though. He’s been with the same girl FOREVER. Psychology is a bitch