What if?...But What about?...
You know a dream is like a river
Ever changin' as it flows
And a dreamer's just a vessel
That must follow where it goes
Trying to learn from what's behind you
And never knowing what's in store
Makes each day a constant battle
Just to stay between the shores...and
I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Too many times we stand aside
And let the waters slip away
'Til what we put off 'til tomorrow
Has now become today
So don't you sit upon the shoreline
And say you're satisfied
Choose to chance the rapids
And dare to dance the tide...yes
I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
There's bound to be rough waters
And I know I'll take some falls
But with the good Lord as my captain
I can make it through them all...yes
I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Yes, I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
'Til the river runs dry
So what if I always find myself settling for the path of least resistance and always sitting upon the shoreline? I will forever be burried in the legacy of everyone else.
I just want to get out of this small town and breakaway. There is so many limitations of what I can and can't do. I want to be my own person, and start living for who I am. Everytime I find myself saying these things I find myself second-guessing them once again. What am I thinking? I can't leave behind my family, and my friends. There's only one thing that's keeping me from the military right now, and if she wasn't there, I'd be shipping out to Texas for bootcamp right after high school. I say this and I'm like "What am I doing?" "Who I am?" Even if that person wasn't in my life and I was leaving for bootcamp, the only reason I'd be there in the first place is for all the wrong reasons. It'd be escaping the things and problems that bother me the most. If I was to run away now, I'd be running away the rest of my life. I want to get away to at least figure out my life on my own, but if I figure out the rest of my life on my own and I get used to being alone, will I be alone the rest of my life because I'm afraid to let someone come in a ruin those plans and dreams? Is being alone what I really want? Is going into the military what I really want? Is escaping what I really want? WHAT IS IT THAT I WANT? Am I being selfish because I don't know what I want or too stupid to realize what I want is right in front of me?
So many questions....
Ever since I started training as an Explorer at the fire department I couldn't think of anything but firefighting. Ever since then I could see myself as being a firefighter and nothing else. People would always ask me what I wanted to be, I'd say a firefighter or sometimes nothing at all. Afraid of people laughing in my face and saying, "Oh that's no real job" or "Why would you want to do that, that doesn't pay money." I know it isn't always about the money, and firefighting is a real job. How can it not be a real job saving people's lives everyday to get payed little to nothing, and get no recognition for what you do?
Everyone's saying why don't you do firefighting, it's what has stuck through all the other ideas of what you've wanted to be. Sure, that'd be the most obvious one to go with, but what if that's not what God wants. Sometimes what you want isn't nessicarily what God wants for you. If I do do that, what if I'm not great at it? What if I fail? Is it normal to have this much fear as to what I should do, or this many questions as to what I should decide? So much second-guessing, this can't be healthy.
There's so many questions and very little answers. It's going back and forth, I feel like I'm watching a basketball game. In a basketball game, don't they score points? When am I going to make a basket? Just for once I wish I could call a time out to catch my breath. Not now, we're in overtime. Two points down with :05 seconds left on the clock. What are we going to do? We going to charge the net? Pass it? Shoot a three-pointer to win, or settle for what we know we can do and go into another overtime? What is it that we're going to do? Are we going to settle for the road of least resistance or venture down the path of the "Road Less Traveled?" What is it that the little voice inside your head is telling you? Is it telling you to do the opposite of what your coach says because you know what your capabilites are, or is it telling you to follow his lead and trust in others to learn about teamwork? Are the referees the obstacles that are in our way, or is it our stubborness that keeps setting us back? Is it our pierced ego that keeps allowing the other team to get foul shots, or is it our willingness to see others succeed? Why is it we only romanticize the good and never the bad?