(no subject)
Listen, I have a lot of secrets.
And I've been messing up a lot lately. Acting out, being angry. I don't know why.
I've screwed over a lot of friends, some on purpose, others accidental. I'm attempting to find the root of my problem but I can hardly sit still long enough to actually begin the thought process. It seems whenever I'm home alone, bad memories and emotions crop up and I can't deal with them. The past week I've been having horrible nightmares, Elle for a few nights had to sleep with me in a hotel bed and she commented that I'd begin screaming and thrashing and crying. Four days in a row I woke up with tears streaming down my face. I never remember what the dreams are though, just that I'm heartbroken and devastated and I can hardly breathe.
I haven't been talking to many people, it seems whenever I open my mouth I offend someone. But I'm lonely. I seek physical companionship but then I feel empty, because I want love but not in the physical form. Someone has changed from a sweet and kind lover to a bitter and resentful cynic and it hurts me. I miss the old mask but I don't think it will return if I continue my current behavior.
I know there will always be one person who will love me, but not in the "we're on the same level, we're partners" kind of love. It's nice to always have a fall back but once you've tasted what love is supposed to be like, there's no going back.
This entry is so gooey and open and it's making me feel vulnerable.
I like it.
And I've been messing up a lot lately. Acting out, being angry. I don't know why.
I've screwed over a lot of friends, some on purpose, others accidental. I'm attempting to find the root of my problem but I can hardly sit still long enough to actually begin the thought process. It seems whenever I'm home alone, bad memories and emotions crop up and I can't deal with them. The past week I've been having horrible nightmares, Elle for a few nights had to sleep with me in a hotel bed and she commented that I'd begin screaming and thrashing and crying. Four days in a row I woke up with tears streaming down my face. I never remember what the dreams are though, just that I'm heartbroken and devastated and I can hardly breathe.
I haven't been talking to many people, it seems whenever I open my mouth I offend someone. But I'm lonely. I seek physical companionship but then I feel empty, because I want love but not in the physical form. Someone has changed from a sweet and kind lover to a bitter and resentful cynic and it hurts me. I miss the old mask but I don't think it will return if I continue my current behavior.
I know there will always be one person who will love me, but not in the "we're on the same level, we're partners" kind of love. It's nice to always have a fall back but once you've tasted what love is supposed to be like, there's no going back.
This entry is so gooey and open and it's making me feel vulnerable.
I like it.