Suddenly, I feel Like Discussing Something
Yet, there aren't actually any people in my life. Actually, I don't know who you would discuss these things with.
Oh. Hi Mr. LJ. I miss obscureK. BeingK was ok, but he was no obscureK.
Umm... I will also point out that Live Journal doesn't even really work anymore. My friends page only loads one entry for example. Now, seeing as I only have one friend that might post something from time to time, that's not that big of a deal, but it's still annoying. You can't scroll back. There's just one entry and then a failure to load anymore updates.
Umm... yeah. I'm not talking to you Cronopio. I'm not not talking to you. I just don't want to type my thing, and have it seem like I'm talking to you.
Ok. I think I have all of my disclaimers out of the way.
My Match.com membership expires in a couple of weeks. I'm not renewing.
Honestly, I can get no attention or interest from women for free. Why am I paying for it?
At this point I want to say I'm giving up on dating. Except, I haven't been on anything resembling a date in fifteen years. All I can actually say is that I'm giving up on the hope of dating sometime in the future.
See, the future is getting shorter. There's way less time to hope for something to happen in when you're 47 than when you were, let's say, 32 since that's the last time I went on anything resembling a date.
I hate the next part because people are going to think I'm bitter. That I'm sort of red pill, MGTOW asshole who hates women. I don't. I really don't. Women make up fifty percent of the excellent people that I like on the planet. I'm just accepting that I"m not who they're attracted to.
Some of this is my fault. I'm not forty seven. I'm still thirty two. It's like that's when I stopped maturing. That's when my life stopped moving forward. It has nothing to do with that woman. I just haven't changed since then.
Everyone else has though. Also not their fault either. People age. They mature. Frankly, I might be too aware of this. I will not put myself in a position where I think the other person will think I'm a loser for being who I am.
I think I'm pretty decent. Eh... I'm a real person. I have things about me that are sketchy. Bad thoughts. I've watched porn for example. Some of it pretty nasty really. If you need me more puritanical than that, then... umm... you're unreasonable. Find a non-male to date?
Seriously though. I'm pretty nice. My social anxiety actually makes me extra aware of other people's feelings. I put myself in someone else's shoes with ease. I over register trying to not be an asshole.
I feel like I'm not going anywhere with this now that I started typing.
Oh. Some of the problem with Match.com is my location. I get their email with daily matches from cities two unreasonable commute hours away with twenty four new women to consider every day. There are single women out there. Maybe some of them are actually interested in guys like me. I live somewhere with a population of ten thousand people within a half hour radius total. There aren't many potentials.
It was a serious victory social anxiety wise for me to even post an online dating profile and leave it up for a full year. That didn't change some of my other faults. Did we mention disclaimers? My profile starts with a disclaimer. I live in my father's basement. I know that's a deal breaker for most women, and thought I had better get that out of the way before we waste each other's time.
If I was thirty two like I should be, I'd still have a shot at fixing that. I'm forty seven. I have the career I'm going to have. I made $36,000 this year. Can I move out of my father's basement on that income? Turns out no. I take home a smidge over $2000/month and the cheapest single bedroom apartment in my home town is now $1000/month.
I've done the calculations a bazillion times. You have to take home $3000/month to live independently in this community. I'll never get there.
Anyway, disclaimers. I have so many hang ups about my own lack of perfection as a possible match, I won't move first. I shouldn't move first. I know the world works on a man makes the first move basis. Especially in online dating. I just can't do that. You have to read my profile (Which is long, ridiculous, and ever changing), decide you like me and move first, so I know I'm not a creepy old dude or worthless loser bothering you.
Yeah. Creepy old dude. I'm not perfect again. I won't be the creepy old dude, but I'm definitely not attracted to local women on the dating site closer to my age. Which isn't even true. The attractive ones my age just seem so far out of my league that it's not even worth considering.
I feel like a jerk. I really do. I shouldn't be this superficial right? The overweight woman three to five years older than me might be a wonderful human being. I could probably message her first thinking I wouldn't be bothering her. I just can't handle that somewhere deep in my brain. It's dating right? It's not friending. There has to be a physical side at some point eventually, or it's not dating. If I can't be superficially attracted... what's the point?
It's the women in their thirties that seem like better matches superficially. Life wise not so much. Oh... who knows. Like I said, I'm not giving up dating because I haven't been on anything resembling a date in fifteen years. Still, we don't seem like a match. I'd just be a creepy old man or something.
A creepy old man. So, having given up on the hope of dating, I still want something resembling connection with women. Even if it's fake. I know these bars that have superficially attractive women who you can spend time with for a few hundred dollars over the course of an evening. They'll pretend to like you for $20/song. I know it sounds horrible. I'm not going to lie and say I've never done that either. Yet... next to never touching or being touched by a woman again? Maybe once a season? Three or four times a year? Certainly far from unaffordable.
I know there are other options. You could go full out for an hour of sex with an escort or whatever. Might be less expensive if you're only doing it three or four times a year. It seems... it's not a bad thing. I'm not morally opposed. I just... it's harder to pretend with. You aren't going to a bar where a woman sits down and talks to you for a few minutes. You're picking up a phone, selecting a woman from a catalogue, and just having sex.
Ugh. I hate how this whole thing makes me feel when I type it. Imagine having to discuss it? Yet, it's on my mind. If there is no hope of dating left, and I think that's a fairly reasonable conclusion, and I still want to have some needs met, I should just be a guy who goes to the strip club three or four times a year to pretend. Which isn't a question I'm debating. It's actually my upcoming solution for the New Year.
What I really need is to be younger. I'm just too damn old. Everything is set already. Typing about that seems pointless though.
Thanks for listening Mr. LJ.
Oh. Hi Mr. LJ. I miss obscureK. BeingK was ok, but he was no obscureK.
Umm... I will also point out that Live Journal doesn't even really work anymore. My friends page only loads one entry for example. Now, seeing as I only have one friend that might post something from time to time, that's not that big of a deal, but it's still annoying. You can't scroll back. There's just one entry and then a failure to load anymore updates.
Umm... yeah. I'm not talking to you Cronopio. I'm not not talking to you. I just don't want to type my thing, and have it seem like I'm talking to you.
Ok. I think I have all of my disclaimers out of the way.
My Match.com membership expires in a couple of weeks. I'm not renewing.
Honestly, I can get no attention or interest from women for free. Why am I paying for it?
At this point I want to say I'm giving up on dating. Except, I haven't been on anything resembling a date in fifteen years. All I can actually say is that I'm giving up on the hope of dating sometime in the future.
See, the future is getting shorter. There's way less time to hope for something to happen in when you're 47 than when you were, let's say, 32 since that's the last time I went on anything resembling a date.
I hate the next part because people are going to think I'm bitter. That I'm sort of red pill, MGTOW asshole who hates women. I don't. I really don't. Women make up fifty percent of the excellent people that I like on the planet. I'm just accepting that I"m not who they're attracted to.
Some of this is my fault. I'm not forty seven. I'm still thirty two. It's like that's when I stopped maturing. That's when my life stopped moving forward. It has nothing to do with that woman. I just haven't changed since then.
Everyone else has though. Also not their fault either. People age. They mature. Frankly, I might be too aware of this. I will not put myself in a position where I think the other person will think I'm a loser for being who I am.
I think I'm pretty decent. Eh... I'm a real person. I have things about me that are sketchy. Bad thoughts. I've watched porn for example. Some of it pretty nasty really. If you need me more puritanical than that, then... umm... you're unreasonable. Find a non-male to date?
Seriously though. I'm pretty nice. My social anxiety actually makes me extra aware of other people's feelings. I put myself in someone else's shoes with ease. I over register trying to not be an asshole.
I feel like I'm not going anywhere with this now that I started typing.
Oh. Some of the problem with Match.com is my location. I get their email with daily matches from cities two unreasonable commute hours away with twenty four new women to consider every day. There are single women out there. Maybe some of them are actually interested in guys like me. I live somewhere with a population of ten thousand people within a half hour radius total. There aren't many potentials.
It was a serious victory social anxiety wise for me to even post an online dating profile and leave it up for a full year. That didn't change some of my other faults. Did we mention disclaimers? My profile starts with a disclaimer. I live in my father's basement. I know that's a deal breaker for most women, and thought I had better get that out of the way before we waste each other's time.
If I was thirty two like I should be, I'd still have a shot at fixing that. I'm forty seven. I have the career I'm going to have. I made $36,000 this year. Can I move out of my father's basement on that income? Turns out no. I take home a smidge over $2000/month and the cheapest single bedroom apartment in my home town is now $1000/month.
I've done the calculations a bazillion times. You have to take home $3000/month to live independently in this community. I'll never get there.
Anyway, disclaimers. I have so many hang ups about my own lack of perfection as a possible match, I won't move first. I shouldn't move first. I know the world works on a man makes the first move basis. Especially in online dating. I just can't do that. You have to read my profile (Which is long, ridiculous, and ever changing), decide you like me and move first, so I know I'm not a creepy old dude or worthless loser bothering you.
Yeah. Creepy old dude. I'm not perfect again. I won't be the creepy old dude, but I'm definitely not attracted to local women on the dating site closer to my age. Which isn't even true. The attractive ones my age just seem so far out of my league that it's not even worth considering.
I feel like a jerk. I really do. I shouldn't be this superficial right? The overweight woman three to five years older than me might be a wonderful human being. I could probably message her first thinking I wouldn't be bothering her. I just can't handle that somewhere deep in my brain. It's dating right? It's not friending. There has to be a physical side at some point eventually, or it's not dating. If I can't be superficially attracted... what's the point?
It's the women in their thirties that seem like better matches superficially. Life wise not so much. Oh... who knows. Like I said, I'm not giving up dating because I haven't been on anything resembling a date in fifteen years. Still, we don't seem like a match. I'd just be a creepy old man or something.
A creepy old man. So, having given up on the hope of dating, I still want something resembling connection with women. Even if it's fake. I know these bars that have superficially attractive women who you can spend time with for a few hundred dollars over the course of an evening. They'll pretend to like you for $20/song. I know it sounds horrible. I'm not going to lie and say I've never done that either. Yet... next to never touching or being touched by a woman again? Maybe once a season? Three or four times a year? Certainly far from unaffordable.
I know there are other options. You could go full out for an hour of sex with an escort or whatever. Might be less expensive if you're only doing it three or four times a year. It seems... it's not a bad thing. I'm not morally opposed. I just... it's harder to pretend with. You aren't going to a bar where a woman sits down and talks to you for a few minutes. You're picking up a phone, selecting a woman from a catalogue, and just having sex.
Ugh. I hate how this whole thing makes me feel when I type it. Imagine having to discuss it? Yet, it's on my mind. If there is no hope of dating left, and I think that's a fairly reasonable conclusion, and I still want to have some needs met, I should just be a guy who goes to the strip club three or four times a year to pretend. Which isn't a question I'm debating. It's actually my upcoming solution for the New Year.
What I really need is to be younger. I'm just too damn old. Everything is set already. Typing about that seems pointless though.
Thanks for listening Mr. LJ.