A Little Positive Reflection
Reflecting tonight on attitude and approaching life in a hopeful way instead of a pessimistic way. Was reading a few of my older posts, and this quote caught my eye (from: Hello, my name is Cristy...):
... and I'm addicted to feeling sorry for myself. I have a self-pity problem. I have a problem. I've been pretending I'm a "glass is half-full" kind of person when really all I want is for the world to notice "how well I'm handling that half-empty glass situation."
In that post, I talked about paying attention to when I'm being negative just for negative's sake and not letting myself get away with it. I've found over the years that I do a lot of that - sliding into negativity, then rounding myself up and figuring out how to face the day with a little bit brighter perspective. It's a tough way to live, and I wouldn't wish it on anybody, but I think I'm coping. I think I'm learning. These last few months, however, are not a sterling example of this growth. I have been Suzy-in-the-dumps lately, wired and stressed and living life in fast-forward. Forget smelling the roses! What roses?! There was a garden back there? I didn't even notice I was outside...
I have been so preoccupied with pleasing the whole world and trying my damndest to meet the expectations I think everybody else has of me that I've wrapped myself up into one big ball of overwhelmed and stressed Cristy-nerves. I wrote in a recent entry about how I've figured out that this situation is not entirely my fault (this one: My Friend, the Tums Bottle), but just identifying the source of my mixed-up reasoning and anxiety doesn't make the anxiety go away. Nor does it give me any clue on how to move forward without feeling said overwhelming and stressed Cristy-nerves. *sigh* So. I've been working on it. Every day. I feel like such a mess some days. I just want to scream to the universe, "What is WRONG with me??" I've talked in here before about how I feel like every little stressor in my life feels like that one last straw, about how it takes absolutely *nothing* for me to freak out and feel overwhelmed. I don't know how many times I've asked myself, "Why can't I handle this?" and "Why can't I do this?" and telling myself, "Everybody else seems to be handling the things I deal with just fine - what's my problem?" Well, the thing is, there are a few things. :) First, not everybody else is able to handle it. So many of the friends I've made online have talked about how they have these same issues. The truth is that life is tough on a lot of us. I'm not the only person out here feeling the pressure of keeping up. And, second, there's a reason I feel like I can't handle it (which I discussed in that earlier entry). And, third, I can get better. It's not only that I can improve the way I deal with things; it's accepting that I'm not broken. There's nothing wrong with me. I'm just fine the way I am; it's the way I see the world and how I think it sees me that is the problem. And, I can work on that. I already am.
I had a mini-breakdown last week. I had had a busy week with doctor appointments and procedures and just generally had a crappy and nonproductive time of it, and I was approaching the time to turn in my time sheet for working from home, and I realized that, although I had spent some hours doing work, I had nothing to show for it. I had no completed work to turn in. And, I panicked. I freaked out. I felt like I was a failure. They were going to hate me and not need me anymore and fire me and scold me and above all, be disappointed in me. Ack. I tensed up and froze and stopped functioning. And cried. And freaked out some more. Finally, Tom talked me down and helped me come up with a solution, namely to work my butt off over the weekend to have tangible evidence of my work and take it in on Monday. So I did. And, all was well, and the angels sang...
...Until Tuesday night. I had Facebooked and Twittered and Pinterested my day away again, and I couldn't figure out why. Why couldn't I focus? Why couldn't I accomplish things? I felt like I had a block. Like something was physically keeping me from taking that step into productivity. And, again, Tom had to talk me down. The thing is, I needed to be reminded that just because I had that revelation about why I freak out about things, that doesn't mean I'm NOT GOING TO FREAK OUT. *sigh* You'd think that'd be obvious, right? Um, no. At least, not to me. And, we realized again that this was part of my "not wanting to succeed because I'll just get punished anyway" scenario in my subconscious. And, here's the biggie... it's NOT MY FAULT. *sigh* Why do I keep needing this reminder? Blech.
Okay, hunky dory. So, these last few days, I've really been trying to pay attention to those moments when I'm *avoiding*, and I've also adjusted (at the recommendation of my counselor during my visit on Wednesday - thank you) the way I do things so that it's not as much a matter of "crossing a threshold" - it's just how I start my day. I won't go into details because different things will work for different people, but I was shocked that it could be that simple. Okay, it's not really simple. But, little adjustments and staying AWARE of when I'm avoiding success (accomplishing work) has helped tremendously. And, I have to keep reminding myself that it's a process; I'm not going to be perfect at this after two sessions with the counselor. Give myself a break! So, that's what I'm trying to do. Every damn day. :) Nobody's expecting me to be perfect. I need to not, too!
While perusing some of my older posts, I came across these positive ones I thought you might enjoy if you need some inspiring:
A Debt to Life
Finding the Positive
For richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health...
Thank God tomorrow's Friday! Hope you have a wonderful day and an awesome weekend! I plan to! :)
Love to everybody,
Cristy
... and I'm addicted to feeling sorry for myself. I have a self-pity problem. I have a problem. I've been pretending I'm a "glass is half-full" kind of person when really all I want is for the world to notice "how well I'm handling that half-empty glass situation."
In that post, I talked about paying attention to when I'm being negative just for negative's sake and not letting myself get away with it. I've found over the years that I do a lot of that - sliding into negativity, then rounding myself up and figuring out how to face the day with a little bit brighter perspective. It's a tough way to live, and I wouldn't wish it on anybody, but I think I'm coping. I think I'm learning. These last few months, however, are not a sterling example of this growth. I have been Suzy-in-the-dumps lately, wired and stressed and living life in fast-forward. Forget smelling the roses! What roses?! There was a garden back there? I didn't even notice I was outside...
I have been so preoccupied with pleasing the whole world and trying my damndest to meet the expectations I think everybody else has of me that I've wrapped myself up into one big ball of overwhelmed and stressed Cristy-nerves. I wrote in a recent entry about how I've figured out that this situation is not entirely my fault (this one: My Friend, the Tums Bottle), but just identifying the source of my mixed-up reasoning and anxiety doesn't make the anxiety go away. Nor does it give me any clue on how to move forward without feeling said overwhelming and stressed Cristy-nerves. *sigh* So. I've been working on it. Every day. I feel like such a mess some days. I just want to scream to the universe, "What is WRONG with me??" I've talked in here before about how I feel like every little stressor in my life feels like that one last straw, about how it takes absolutely *nothing* for me to freak out and feel overwhelmed. I don't know how many times I've asked myself, "Why can't I handle this?" and "Why can't I do this?" and telling myself, "Everybody else seems to be handling the things I deal with just fine - what's my problem?" Well, the thing is, there are a few things. :) First, not everybody else is able to handle it. So many of the friends I've made online have talked about how they have these same issues. The truth is that life is tough on a lot of us. I'm not the only person out here feeling the pressure of keeping up. And, second, there's a reason I feel like I can't handle it (which I discussed in that earlier entry). And, third, I can get better. It's not only that I can improve the way I deal with things; it's accepting that I'm not broken. There's nothing wrong with me. I'm just fine the way I am; it's the way I see the world and how I think it sees me that is the problem. And, I can work on that. I already am.
I had a mini-breakdown last week. I had had a busy week with doctor appointments and procedures and just generally had a crappy and nonproductive time of it, and I was approaching the time to turn in my time sheet for working from home, and I realized that, although I had spent some hours doing work, I had nothing to show for it. I had no completed work to turn in. And, I panicked. I freaked out. I felt like I was a failure. They were going to hate me and not need me anymore and fire me and scold me and above all, be disappointed in me. Ack. I tensed up and froze and stopped functioning. And cried. And freaked out some more. Finally, Tom talked me down and helped me come up with a solution, namely to work my butt off over the weekend to have tangible evidence of my work and take it in on Monday. So I did. And, all was well, and the angels sang...
...Until Tuesday night. I had Facebooked and Twittered and Pinterested my day away again, and I couldn't figure out why. Why couldn't I focus? Why couldn't I accomplish things? I felt like I had a block. Like something was physically keeping me from taking that step into productivity. And, again, Tom had to talk me down. The thing is, I needed to be reminded that just because I had that revelation about why I freak out about things, that doesn't mean I'm NOT GOING TO FREAK OUT. *sigh* You'd think that'd be obvious, right? Um, no. At least, not to me. And, we realized again that this was part of my "not wanting to succeed because I'll just get punished anyway" scenario in my subconscious. And, here's the biggie... it's NOT MY FAULT. *sigh* Why do I keep needing this reminder? Blech.
Okay, hunky dory. So, these last few days, I've really been trying to pay attention to those moments when I'm *avoiding*, and I've also adjusted (at the recommendation of my counselor during my visit on Wednesday - thank you) the way I do things so that it's not as much a matter of "crossing a threshold" - it's just how I start my day. I won't go into details because different things will work for different people, but I was shocked that it could be that simple. Okay, it's not really simple. But, little adjustments and staying AWARE of when I'm avoiding success (accomplishing work) has helped tremendously. And, I have to keep reminding myself that it's a process; I'm not going to be perfect at this after two sessions with the counselor. Give myself a break! So, that's what I'm trying to do. Every damn day. :) Nobody's expecting me to be perfect. I need to not, too!
While perusing some of my older posts, I came across these positive ones I thought you might enjoy if you need some inspiring:
A Debt to Life
Finding the Positive
For richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health...
Thank God tomorrow's Friday! Hope you have a wonderful day and an awesome weekend! I plan to! :)
Love to everybody,
Cristy