The UA Experience
If you'd like a laugh, I suggest you . :)
I'm sure all women do this at some point in their lives and wonder why the hell nobody's come up with a smarter way to perform this function. I think the reason I had to get a urinalysis today was to get a baseline for some things that my new med for my back may affect (kidney function, etc.). Yes, I give blood and urine samples without asking why. *sigh* Anyway...
So. You walk into the bathroom with this little cup and a wipey package and are told to fill the container up with pee. (To start with, it just doesn't sound like a pleasant activity, does it?) Okay, alright. I'm a big girl. I can do this. So. You set the cup and wipey down somewhere (hopefully, they'll have a handy cabinet thingie somewhere in there - the one today had a small bookcase-like thing - yay). Then you turn and cross your fingers that there's a hook to hang your purse and coat on - there was - yay! No questionable residue on the bottom of the purse and practically everywhere on the jacket to worry about. Whew!
Okay, so now on to the business of filling this ridiculously small container with pee. Alright. Oh, good, some thoughtful soul has put instructions on a sign behind the toilet. Hmmm... so, I need to be partially clothed to start this process. Okay.
So, here I am with my pants around my knees, ripping open this wipey package and all of that, hopping in my half-dressed state over to the trash to throw it away, then contemplating the next step. Stuff from there (looking down) has to go in there (looking at the container) while sitting over that (looking at the toilet, because, urm, yeah). This is going to be interesting. I can do this. I'm a grown woman. People do this every day. Okay.
So, the first decision is front or back. Hmmm. Front. So.
Wait. First part can't go in container. Eek. Okay. Whew. Okay. Tinkle, tinkle. Alright, now put container in the stream. HA!
Um, can we agree that women are NOT qualified to pee their names in the snow? For a very specific reason? Like, that it doesn't just shoot out in a nice, straight line? *sigh* Yeah.
So, I'm playing the "which spot is it going to decide to travel south from?" game with the container (which isn't, btw, big enough to cover the entire possible real estate), all the while just loving the dribbles and drops that don't end up in the container (Ew!).
Then, like 5 seconds in, my bladder decides to freeze up. Oh, geez. Come on! Well, maybe I have enough in there. Execute a ballet of limbs and clothes to safely bring the container within view to find out that, no, not enough. *sigh* Shoot.
So, there I am, with a nice cramp forming in my arm, damp fingers (gross!), with a bladder that has decided that no way is it going to perform under these weird conditions. Oy. Okay, think about waterfalls and running rivers. Nope. Relax. Breathe in. Breathe out. Try to distract myself with other thoughts. Nope. Shoot. *sigh*
Sit there for another few minutes, swallowing, in the vain hope that the water will travel all the way from my esophagus and come flowing out. *sigh* Nope. Dammit. *sigh* Oh, well. Maybe it's enough. I give up.
So. Where the b**p am I going to set this thing while I clean up? Geesh. Reeeeeach. Okay, good. Container safely out of the way. Now what? Ah, great, toilet paper. The world's least useful cleaning tool when it comes to liquid. Blech. Okay, fine. Of course, I can't move while cleaning up because I don't want to drip anywhere. *sigh*
Four rolls later... hand is tidy, body is tidy - at least enough to move. Fun process of hopping over to basket with more wipies after dry enough to maneuver (with pants still around my knees). Clean up. Ick. Gee whiz, man!
Okay. Presentable at last. Redress. Put lid on stupid container that isn't filled nearly enough. *sigh* Use wipey thing to clean container. Blech. Put container in little doorway.
Wash hands... thoroughly. Straighten hair because it's done some weird s*** during this whole process. Get jacket and purse off hook. Unlock door. Go home. Thank God that's over!
I'm sure all women do this at some point in their lives and wonder why the hell nobody's come up with a smarter way to perform this function. I think the reason I had to get a urinalysis today was to get a baseline for some things that my new med for my back may affect (kidney function, etc.). Yes, I give blood and urine samples without asking why. *sigh* Anyway...
So. You walk into the bathroom with this little cup and a wipey package and are told to fill the container up with pee. (To start with, it just doesn't sound like a pleasant activity, does it?) Okay, alright. I'm a big girl. I can do this. So. You set the cup and wipey down somewhere (hopefully, they'll have a handy cabinet thingie somewhere in there - the one today had a small bookcase-like thing - yay). Then you turn and cross your fingers that there's a hook to hang your purse and coat on - there was - yay! No questionable residue on the bottom of the purse and practically everywhere on the jacket to worry about. Whew!
Okay, so now on to the business of filling this ridiculously small container with pee. Alright. Oh, good, some thoughtful soul has put instructions on a sign behind the toilet. Hmmm... so, I need to be partially clothed to start this process. Okay.
So, here I am with my pants around my knees, ripping open this wipey package and all of that, hopping in my half-dressed state over to the trash to throw it away, then contemplating the next step. Stuff from there (looking down) has to go in there (looking at the container) while sitting over that (looking at the toilet, because, urm, yeah). This is going to be interesting. I can do this. I'm a grown woman. People do this every day. Okay.
So, the first decision is front or back. Hmmm. Front. So.
Wait. First part can't go in container. Eek. Okay. Whew. Okay. Tinkle, tinkle. Alright, now put container in the stream. HA!
Um, can we agree that women are NOT qualified to pee their names in the snow? For a very specific reason? Like, that it doesn't just shoot out in a nice, straight line? *sigh* Yeah.
So, I'm playing the "which spot is it going to decide to travel south from?" game with the container (which isn't, btw, big enough to cover the entire possible real estate), all the while just loving the dribbles and drops that don't end up in the container (Ew!).
Then, like 5 seconds in, my bladder decides to freeze up. Oh, geez. Come on! Well, maybe I have enough in there. Execute a ballet of limbs and clothes to safely bring the container within view to find out that, no, not enough. *sigh* Shoot.
So, there I am, with a nice cramp forming in my arm, damp fingers (gross!), with a bladder that has decided that no way is it going to perform under these weird conditions. Oy. Okay, think about waterfalls and running rivers. Nope. Relax. Breathe in. Breathe out. Try to distract myself with other thoughts. Nope. Shoot. *sigh*
Sit there for another few minutes, swallowing, in the vain hope that the water will travel all the way from my esophagus and come flowing out. *sigh* Nope. Dammit. *sigh* Oh, well. Maybe it's enough. I give up.
So. Where the b**p am I going to set this thing while I clean up? Geesh. Reeeeeach. Okay, good. Container safely out of the way. Now what? Ah, great, toilet paper. The world's least useful cleaning tool when it comes to liquid. Blech. Okay, fine. Of course, I can't move while cleaning up because I don't want to drip anywhere. *sigh*
Four rolls later... hand is tidy, body is tidy - at least enough to move. Fun process of hopping over to basket with more wipies after dry enough to maneuver (with pants still around my knees). Clean up. Ick. Gee whiz, man!
Okay. Presentable at last. Redress. Put lid on stupid container that isn't filled nearly enough. *sigh* Use wipey thing to clean container. Blech. Put container in little doorway.
Wash hands... thoroughly. Straighten hair because it's done some weird s*** during this whole process. Get jacket and purse off hook. Unlock door. Go home. Thank God that's over!