A Debt to Life
I had a really interesting dream right as I woke up this morning, and it helped me achieve a paradigm shift that I REALLY needed. The dream was something like this:
I was an observer of my family; I saw was them dealing with struggles that happen in life, but they were doing it without me being a part of it. I'm sure you all know that every family has its roles and parts to play, and in mine, I'm the logical one; I look at the facts and try to see the situations objectively, then share my thoughts with them to try to sort out the issue at hand. Well, in the dream, they were each doing their part to help one of my sisters with some problems she was facing, and they were surviving, but something was missing. She was having a harder time communicating what she needed, and they had these gaps in understanding. There were other situations, too, where they each played their part of support or toughness or peacemaking, but in each, they seemed to be missing an element that would help them see it through.
I'm sure you've guessed that the missing aspect was me, which may sound really, really arrogant or self-congratulatory, but the truth is, it was more of a guilt trip. Let me try to explain...
As some of you may have guessed from my absence over the last few weeks or from the content of my last few entries, I've been really struggling here lately. I've had confusing emotions and medication-induced feelings of negativity, and I've hit a place physically that has been very damaging to my sense of self-worth. My back pain has progressed to the point that standing up long enough to make a sandwich is very painful. I can FEEL myself gaining weight. I put on a necklace the other day that I usually wear as a shirt-scoop length chain that fit more like a choker, and my clothes are fitting worse than ever. I've also felt really down about money and my part in us not having any. I've felt useless and hopeless quite a bit lately. It has pounded my self-esteem and confidence and shattered any sense of hope or courage. I've literally been giving up over and over and over again.
Well, that dream this morning made me realize that, no matter what depths I reach of self-pity and self-doubt, I NEED to continue to live because I have OBLIGATIONS to people other than myself. Yes, the world would probably be just fine without me. Yes, my family would survive and be able to solve their problems without me. And, yes, Tom would eventually be alright. BUT. Even if I don't WANT to play my part, the world God has placed me in NEEDS me to. It is my duty. He put me here to do certain things. The person I am is who He needed to fulfill these parts. He needs me to be the logical sister and daughter. He needs me to be the woman who understands Tom. He needs me to be the nurturer to Abby and Chloe. He needs me to share an occasional thoughtful remark in the web world. God NEEDS me to be the person He made me. He needs me to meet the responsibilities He's set before me. I have a job. One that HE gave me. It is multidimensional and longterm. It has many aspects and will evolve and change as I grow, but it is a job only I can do. He created me especially FOR this job. Who am I to shrug that off? GOD... you know, the all-knowing, all-worthy, ever-living CREATOR? Yeah, Him. He put me here. Giving up and laying down my sword before I'm even halfway through the battle is basically thumbing my nose at Him. Eeek! Yeah. This whole line of thinking made me think of a saying that I have on my fridge door (it's so funny, because I wasn't thinking about this quote AT ALL until just now, but it is so exactly the point of all this):
"God created me with a specific purpose in mind. Only I can do it, with my unique abilities, history, and spirit. I am indispensible, unique, and important to God, to my family, to mankind, and to the universe."
This SOOOOO expresses what that dream was telling me. It doesn't matter if I mess up. It doesn't matter if I'm not perfect (he doesn't expect me to be, and frankly, knows that I can't be). It doesn't matter if I don't quite know what I'm supposed to do. I'm supposed to be here. I'm supposed to be doing the job(s) that he put me here to do. I OWE it to life to stick with it. No matter how screwed up I feel. No matter how challenged I am, physically or otherwise. No matter how weak I feel. Giving up is NOT an option. God wants me to do my job. My job is to be the best me that I can be. And, I'm supposed to do it FOR HIM. That means being the best sister, daughter, friend, wife, that I can be. No, I'm not ever going to win an award or have my name on a big, sparkling "God's Honor Roll" list in the hallway. I'm just supposed to do it. And, do it to the best of my ability. I'm supposed to get up as often as I fall and be myself. He doesn't expect any different. But, He DOES expect it.
So.
I'm back.
I was an observer of my family; I saw was them dealing with struggles that happen in life, but they were doing it without me being a part of it. I'm sure you all know that every family has its roles and parts to play, and in mine, I'm the logical one; I look at the facts and try to see the situations objectively, then share my thoughts with them to try to sort out the issue at hand. Well, in the dream, they were each doing their part to help one of my sisters with some problems she was facing, and they were surviving, but something was missing. She was having a harder time communicating what she needed, and they had these gaps in understanding. There were other situations, too, where they each played their part of support or toughness or peacemaking, but in each, they seemed to be missing an element that would help them see it through.
I'm sure you've guessed that the missing aspect was me, which may sound really, really arrogant or self-congratulatory, but the truth is, it was more of a guilt trip. Let me try to explain...
As some of you may have guessed from my absence over the last few weeks or from the content of my last few entries, I've been really struggling here lately. I've had confusing emotions and medication-induced feelings of negativity, and I've hit a place physically that has been very damaging to my sense of self-worth. My back pain has progressed to the point that standing up long enough to make a sandwich is very painful. I can FEEL myself gaining weight. I put on a necklace the other day that I usually wear as a shirt-scoop length chain that fit more like a choker, and my clothes are fitting worse than ever. I've also felt really down about money and my part in us not having any. I've felt useless and hopeless quite a bit lately. It has pounded my self-esteem and confidence and shattered any sense of hope or courage. I've literally been giving up over and over and over again.
Well, that dream this morning made me realize that, no matter what depths I reach of self-pity and self-doubt, I NEED to continue to live because I have OBLIGATIONS to people other than myself. Yes, the world would probably be just fine without me. Yes, my family would survive and be able to solve their problems without me. And, yes, Tom would eventually be alright. BUT. Even if I don't WANT to play my part, the world God has placed me in NEEDS me to. It is my duty. He put me here to do certain things. The person I am is who He needed to fulfill these parts. He needs me to be the logical sister and daughter. He needs me to be the woman who understands Tom. He needs me to be the nurturer to Abby and Chloe. He needs me to share an occasional thoughtful remark in the web world. God NEEDS me to be the person He made me. He needs me to meet the responsibilities He's set before me. I have a job. One that HE gave me. It is multidimensional and longterm. It has many aspects and will evolve and change as I grow, but it is a job only I can do. He created me especially FOR this job. Who am I to shrug that off? GOD... you know, the all-knowing, all-worthy, ever-living CREATOR? Yeah, Him. He put me here. Giving up and laying down my sword before I'm even halfway through the battle is basically thumbing my nose at Him. Eeek! Yeah. This whole line of thinking made me think of a saying that I have on my fridge door (it's so funny, because I wasn't thinking about this quote AT ALL until just now, but it is so exactly the point of all this):
"God created me with a specific purpose in mind. Only I can do it, with my unique abilities, history, and spirit. I am indispensible, unique, and important to God, to my family, to mankind, and to the universe."
This SOOOOO expresses what that dream was telling me. It doesn't matter if I mess up. It doesn't matter if I'm not perfect (he doesn't expect me to be, and frankly, knows that I can't be). It doesn't matter if I don't quite know what I'm supposed to do. I'm supposed to be here. I'm supposed to be doing the job(s) that he put me here to do. I OWE it to life to stick with it. No matter how screwed up I feel. No matter how challenged I am, physically or otherwise. No matter how weak I feel. Giving up is NOT an option. God wants me to do my job. My job is to be the best me that I can be. And, I'm supposed to do it FOR HIM. That means being the best sister, daughter, friend, wife, that I can be. No, I'm not ever going to win an award or have my name on a big, sparkling "God's Honor Roll" list in the hallway. I'm just supposed to do it. And, do it to the best of my ability. I'm supposed to get up as often as I fall and be myself. He doesn't expect any different. But, He DOES expect it.
So.
I'm back.