Rebirth
Title: Rebirth
Rating: PG
Pairing: Baekhyun/Kyungsoo, past!Chanyeol/Kyungsoo
Genre: angst, slice of life, (a bit of romance and humour)
Warning: Slight homophobio, mention of self-harm
Words count: 6.3k>
Summary: Baekhyun always sees this cute and small man at the cafeteria of the hospital he worked; particularly alone in the cafeteria. Baekhyun is not being stalkerish about Kyungsoo but fate decided for them on 12th January at the bus stop, rains heavily; Kyungsoo holds a bouquet of forget-me-not flowers and Baekhyun offers him a ride.
Another tiring day for Byun Baekhyun; it’s been a week he stuck in this boring and sickening hospital. Being a paediatrician surgeon is not an easy job. He doesn’t remember when did he signed up to handling these brat patients, professionally. He thought sick children would behave better but it seems there isn’t any difference at all. Kids will be forever be kids; sick or not. Baekhyun sighs for the umpteenth for today-three surgeon cases, total of 14 hours in green scrub and under sterilised operation room. He is loss of time even though he should be alerted with times in his hands. It’s so hard when he’s almost stumbling on his feet; walking down the halls with obnoxious, cheerful cartoon stickers. Baekhyun groans as he picks up himself from the floor. The drowsiness is really getting him, he could barely open his eyes.
“Oh, Dr.Byun you’re staying for the night again?” Baekhyun’s half-lidded eyes are searching the source of the question. “I’m right in front of you Dr.Byun, It’s me Jongdae.” Baekhyun rubs his bleary eyes with the heel of his palm and forcing his tired eyes to open. “Ah, Jongdae. Yeah I supposed this hospital is my second home. We are short in paediatrician surgeons although general surgeon is not a big deal to handle our case. It’s just, there’s been a lot of people are dying in this early year and we can’t reserve them for the time being. So, I need to sacrifice myself for the kids. I swear I feel as I am already married and handling these little spawns.” Baekhyun grunts ever so loudly and Jongdae smirks smugly at his misery.
“You’re married to this career life. It’s time to have kids, Isn’t Dr,Byun?” Jongdae chuckles. Baekhyun looks at him disgustingly; the joke is so bad but he don’t have the energy to taunt that old man. “Urggh, whatever Jongdae you’re so lame. Are you on duty right now? I’m going to the cafeteria to grab some breakfast. I really need an Americano to boost my energy level.” Baekhyun stretches his limbs to ease off the tension in his muscle. Jongdae stares at Baekhyun and ponders for a while. “I’m on my break for breakfast, it would be nice to have a coffee with you.” Jongdae shoves his hands inside his lab coat. Baekhyun grins, “Ok, let’s go then.” He slings his frail arm around Jongdae’s shoulder happily and take the advantage to lean his listless body on Jongdae’s built body. For a doctor, Jongdae really takes care his body meticulously unlike soft Baekhyun. He’s trying to make this year resolution to go to the gym a possible routine.
“Jongdae, at 9 o’clock. Do you see him?” Jongdae halts drinking his lukewarm Americano and searching for the said person. Well, there isn’t many people in this place at 7.a.m. it isn’t hard to find him. A raven haired guy, with a small stature could be mistaken as a high school student but he’s wearing a lab coat-definitely an employee in Seoul National University Hospital. He has a wide, innocent eyes, full lips are carefully sipping the hot congee and his alabaster skin is really beautiful. Any person would be mesmerize by his natural innocent vibe. “Oh, that guy. He’s Do Kyungsoo, from the pathology department.” Jongdae answered Baekhyun’s curiosity. He resumes back drinking his bitter beverage. Baekhyun is astonished, “How do you know him, Jongdae?” Baekhyun’s face is too close to Jongdae’s. He can see the dark circle under Baekhyun’s eyes and his eyes are worn out from excessive hours of patronising the young patients-Baekhyun can have Jongdae’s spa voucher on his day off. Jongdae flicks Baekhyuns forehead nonchalantly. Baekhyun sits back on his chair-distant himself from Jongdae, he whines about the pain and rubs the sore spot gently. Jongdae doesn’t feel bad at least it did the trick to get off Baekhyun from him-he could smell Baekhyun’s morning breath. He hasn’t brush his teeth, what kind of doctor he is? Not a dentistry of course. If he is, that would be a shame.
Jongdae picks up his spoon, scrapes the tofu in his miso soup and puts it on his warm rice. “I knew him because last week I bumped into him in the lab while sending the blood sample.” He scoops out his rice and eats it. Baekhyun‘s gaze falls on Kyungsoo again-he looks exhausted than before, he isn’t a bubbly person to begin with. Jongdae can see Baekhyun is being obvious staring at Kyungsoo as he is an unprotected baby fawn. Baekhyun can’t take his eyes off from Kyungsoo-it had been a month Kyungsoo is upset about something that Baekhyun would never know. His gloomy, sombre face speaks louder than his heart.
“Baekhyun, you should limit yourself for how long you can stare at that poor kid. You’re being a creep.” Jongdae snickers. Baekhyun blushes at his commentary and averts his eyes quickly to his meal on the table. He glances to his side-Jongdae is giggling as if Kyungsoo won’t be attracted by it. Jongdae is everything but grace when it comes to laugh. His mirth is meant to be heard by the world or so Jongdae said. Baekhyun tries to be stealthy, spying on Kyungsoo’s every movement. However, Kyungsoo doesn’t notice the both of them, he finished his breakfast and stands up from his seat-Baekhyun and Jongdae’s existence are mere shadows to Kyungsoo.
Jongdae stares between Baekhyun’s crestfallen face and Kyungsoo’s back when he leaves the cafeteria. Baekhyun abruptly stands up, the screeching noise from the friction of the chair and the tile floor echoes; killing the morning silence inside the cafeteria. Jongdae looks up at Baekhyun worriedly, “Baek, are you alright there buddy?” Baekhyun smiles forlornly, “I don’t know Jongdae, he looks very lonely.”Baekhyun grips his coffee cup, eyes are staring at his cloudy reflection on his dark brown Americano. Jongdae sighs, “You like him don’t you? How long have you been crushing on him?” Jongdae stares never falters.
“I don’t know about that. All I want is to see him smile, Jongdae.”
“How are you feeling, Sehunnie?” Baekhyun is on his last hour of his shift for today. He can’t wait to drive back home and sleep properly on his real bed, real room and real home. He’s checking on his last patient before he clocks out at 12pm-Oh Sehun, 8 years old, acute lymphoblastic leukemia-“Dr.Byun, are you going to play with me today?” Sehun eagerly asks him, his excitement can’t contain inside of his lithe body. Baekhyun is standing at the side of his bed, picking up Sehun’s petite arm and examines the needle on the back of his palm. Baekhyun smiles down at Sehun’s cheery face even though the colour of his face is drained but the brightness is still there. “I’m sorry baby Sehunnie, I can’t stay here for too long. Did the nurse gave you a new medicine to you?” Baekhyun soothingly strokes the faded bruises around Sehun’s needle. Sehun pouts, “Yeah, it hurts so bad and I feel uncomfy. Why can’t you play with me Dr.Byun? I’m bored, mom and dad won’t be here until evening!” Baekhyuns amused by Sehun’s antics. “I’m so sorry baby Sehunnie, I need to go home. Mongryong missed me, buddy.” Baekhyun ruffles Sehun’s jet-black silky hair.
He knows Sehun is disappointed that Baekhyun can’t keep him company. He’s still young-facing through this trial and hardship; he’s a brave kid. Baekhyun would love to entertain young, bored Sehun but it’s once in a blue moon he gets himself a day off. “Hey Sehunnie, I will buy anything you want and I might pay you a visit tomorrow if you behave and listen to Sooyoung noona, understand?” Baekhyun pats Sehun’s sunken cheek-he’s losing weight too fast and he was too skinny before. Sehun nods obediently, “I want to eat spicy rice cake but mom scolds me. She said, I can’t have it until I’m fully recover. I missed eating spicy rice cake. I hate hospital food, it is disgusting, yuck!” Sehun sniffs, he crumples the white warm blanket on top of him.
“Ok, I will bring some spicy rice cake just for you. You should eat a lot. I’m worried about you. Your mom doesn’t want you to have it because you always don’t eat other food. If Sehunnie eat spicy rice cake every day you will get sick.” Baekhyun softly kissed on top of his head. “Don’t be upset Sehunnie, please smile for me ok? I love you Sehunnie.” Baekhyun has a tender spot for him. He’s the only child under his supervise that plague with a lethal disease. Baekhyun cares about him deeply.
Baekhyun prays his gratitude to God that he drives himself to work. The sounds of heavy rain pitter-patter against the road is really frightened him. Imagine himself drenched in rain of cold winter January-hell no! Baekhyun ignites his Honda Civic and buckles up. He turns on the stereo to fill up the annoying silence-an old song he really likes is on air, like rain like music. Ah, it’s a good start to enjoy his day off.
Baekhyun drives slowly down the road to Itaewon, the road is extra slippery and the snow from yesterday haven’t melted yet. It is really dangerous, Baekhyun is kind of scared to drive in this circumstances. If he keeps driving at this rate of velocity it would be fine. He would be arrive home safely in one piece-all limbs are still perfectly attached. He’s drumming his fingers pn the steering to the beat of the song played by the radio. Then, he sees a person struggling to survive at the bus stand in this kind of weather. He heard that the buses won’t be operating for today. It won’t harm anyone if he gives a stranger a lift, right? He prays to God that his good intentions won’t kill him.
The rain is not a joke, especially in winter. Kyungsoo is shivering from the cold, hopefully his huge parka would warm up his small body. Kyungsoo should stay back watching the weather forecast at the cafeteria this morning. He left before the news could change to the weather forecast segment because the doctor who had been crept on him for a month makes him feel insecure. Kyungsoo knows who is he, Dr.Byun Baekhyun. He’s one of the popular doctors; there’s no way he won’t acknowledge the gossips about Baekhyun.
Kyungsoo is a mere microbiologist, he barely sees or ever talk to him. He can’t presume Baehkhyun’s personality and attitude based solely on gossips with no rigid evident. At first, Kyungsoo doesn’t like Baekhyun’s attention whenever they are alone at the cafeteria. Somehow, recently it isn’t that bad knowing Baekhyun would sometimes stares at him. It is creepy but there’s something special the way Baekhyun looks at him. It’s been a while Kyungsoo touched by this kind of emotion-ever since that fateful day. He sighs, warm puffs comes out from his mouth. He looks down at the bouquet of forget-me-not flowers in his hands-beautiful, bright just like-“PON!” A blast of loud horn awakens Kyungsoo from his journey to the memory lane. His body jolts at the sudden commotion and his eyes are widen than the normal size.
A silver, Honda Civic car stops by the bus stand. Kyungsoo doesn’t remember any of his colleague owns a car nor ending their shift as Kyungsoo’s. The window of the car is slowly rolling down, Kyungsoo is holding the flowers tightly but not enough pressure to damage them. To Kyungsoo’s surprise, he doesn’t expect the owner of this car is-“Do Kyungsoo from pathology department? Hi there, hmmm…come inside. The weather is crazy today, you might catch a cold if you stay here. I heard there won’t be any bus operating for today.” Baekhyun cries out amidst the noise of the rain crashing down to earth. Kyungsoo blinks his eyes, biting his chapped lips. Shit, he didn’t think the bus won’t be available.
“Do Kyungsoo-ssi, I’m sorry for being rude. I’m Dr.Byun Baekhyun from Seoul National University Hospital, nice to meet you. If you don’t mind would you like to continue this conversation inside the car, I’m worried about you.” Baekhyun blushes slightly, he can’t believe he blabbers out something like that to Kyungsoo. They aren’t friends, why the hell he said that.
“Ok, I’m coming inside.” Kyungsoo retorts curtly.
“Ah, stay there Do Kyungsoo-ssi You didn’t bring an umbrella with you. You’ll get wet and might catch a cold.” Baekhyun hurriedly looks around for his umbrella inside the compartment and steps out from his car to open the dull black umbrella he stow in the car for emergency.
Kyungsoo’s heart is beating fast and loud, warmth seeps into the crack of his cold heart and starting to spread across his pale cheeks. Baekhyun stands in front of him, hovers the umbrella above Kyungsoo. Baekhyun’s back soaked from the heavy rain as the small umbrella can’t shelter the two adults at the same time. Kyungsoo shuffles closer towards Baekhyun, his eyes are glued on the blue-purple flowers. Kyungsoo is taller than Baekhyun from this view, the bus stand platform is higher than the road where Baekhyun stood.
“Are you ok, Do Kyungsoo-ssi?” Baekhyun asks him in a calm manner laced with worry.
“Please call me Kyungsoo.” Baekhyun startles while holding the umbrella above them, his eyes are searching for Kyungsoo’s. He’s too timid, quiet and beautiful. Baekhyun can’t help himself immersed with Kyungsoo’s natural beauty. Kyungsoo is folding himself becoming smaller, Baekhyun’s intense gaze is itching Kyungsoo’s vulnerable heart. He missed ‘this’, he missed the warmth of others.
“Kyungsoo, let’s go. I am freezing, I don’t wear my coat.” Baekhyun breaks off the awkward silent. Kyungsoo carefully steps down and then he realised he’s smaller than Baekhyun.
“Are you planning to go somewhere?” Baekhyun points out the fresh flowers in Kyungsoo’s grasp. Kyungsoo nods. Baekhyun hates to know where Kyungsoo would go to except his home. It stings him, Baekhyun doesn’t want to dwell too long on his vague feelings for Kyungsoo. “Ah, I see. Well just give me the direction and I will drop you off there.” Baekhyun smiles sincerely.
Kyungsoo strains his eyes from crying. He really missed this.
Baekhyun can’t start a proper conversation with Kyungsoo for the whole journey. He’s too focus looking down at the roads and make sure he goes to the right junction. The eloquent speech of the DJ is the only thing that keeps their mind on the line of sanity.
you’ve got to be kidding me Baekhyun thinks this is implausible.
“Who are you meeting at this place?”
“An old acquaintance.”
“Kyungsoo-ssi, I am being serious with you. Don’t scare me like this.”
“I’m telling you the truth.”
Baekhyun groans in defeat. Kyungsoo is really stubborn when he wants to. Baekhyun rests his aching back against his seat, Kyungsoo’s fingers are reaching to open the door-Baekhyun quickly locks the car. Kyungsoo is dumbfounded by Baekhyun’s action, he turns to his side and stares at him incredulously. Baekhyun frowns, he closed his eyes and takes a deep breath. “I can’t let you go to the cemetery alone. It’s still raining heavily and it is really dark outside. I’ll let you go on one condition. Let me go with you, Kyungsoo-ssi.” It is very straight forward and Baekhyun hates himself more than ever. Why is he trying to act as an overprotective boyfriend? Does Kyungsoo even gay in the first place?
Kyungsoo is speechless, he doesn’t know what to say. Baekhyun saves his butt from freezing in this heartless weather and even drive him to the cemetery far off from their abode. At least, Kyungsoo should repay Baekhyun by let him do anything he wanted-Baekhyun isn’t hurting him.
“I’m sorry Kyungsoo-ssi, I shouldn’t force you to do things you don’t like. You can go, I’ll wait you here. I would be an arse to leave you here alone surrounded by death.” Baekhyun laughs nervously. “Ah, I’ll let you go now.” Baekhyun unlocks his car and looking outside, watching the rain and snow pouring down together from the sky.
Kyungsoo rests his numb, cold hands on top of Baekhyun’s. “Please wear your coat, then.”
Baekhyun feels the cold sensation at the back of his hand. He looks down on his thigh, Kyungsoo’s hand is overlapping with Baekhyun’s. Then he averts his eyes to Kyungsoo’s face. So calm, gentle and always-always beautiful. “He doesn’t mind if I bring a friend over to his place.” Kyungsoo-for many days and weeks, Baekhyun is dumbfounded to finally see Kyungsoo’s smile.
“Ah-ah, well-well-ummm, wait for me ok. I’m going to wear my coat. I’m sorry-I-I-just please be patient ok.” Baekhyun turns around his seat to take his winter coat lays on the backseat.
Kyungsoo smiles even brighter.
The roaring thunder shakes the sky with its mighty sound and the flash lightning tears across the dull sky. Baekhyun and Kyungsoo are crouching in front of the tombstone sending prayers for the dead one.
“Amen” Both said it in unison.
Both of them are still crouching, Baekhyun reads the plaque embedded on the tombstone.
Here lies the amazing person in our lives
Park Chanyeol
27th November 1992 - 12th January 20XX
It must be hard for Kyungsoo, maybe that’s why he’s been gloomy every day. To lose someone important is affecting him deeply. Baekhyun would do the same thing to, just thinking about Sehun’s future is making him crying at that thought.
Baekhyun has a lot of questions to ask Kyungsoo but it seems inappropriate to ask personal question when they aren’t even friends. Just an act of sympathy and humanity. Though, Baekhyun doesn’t think what he did is an act of pity, he did it because he cares for Kyungsoo’s wellbeing.
“Baekhyun-ssi are you disgusted if I told you I am gay?”
What? Baekhyun is confused. Kyungsoo is gay?
Kyungsoo doesn’t bother to look at Baekhyun. He plays with the flower on the bed of grass.
“No. Why would I-I be disgusted just because y-y-you’re gay?” Baekhyun has never stutter his words this bad since his clinical exams.
“I’m just asking, Baekhyun-ssi. Anyway, thank you, Baekhyun-ssi.” Kyungsoo smiles half-heartedly, playing with the wet, trimmed grass. Baekhyun looks at Kyungsoo’s sudden change of behaviour. Baekhyun is lost as to what Kyungsoo had in his mind.
Kyungsoo sighs, “You know, Park Chanyeol is my boyfriend-well ex-boyfriend now he’s dead.” Kyungsoo eyes are calm but only God knows the storm inside his heart, underneath all of these masked layers of pretending and moving on.
Baekhyun could never be surprised listening to Kyungsoo’s confession. To lose someone you really loved is the worst feeling anyone could feel. Baekhyun had a puppy before Mongryong, after his death because of sickness. Baekhyun wouldn’t stop crying for the whole day. It isn’t a good analogy, but he can connect the lost feelings Kyungsoo is going through right now.
“You were transferred last year, am I right Baekhyun-ssi?” Kyungsoo asked him.
Baekhyun doesn’t like this question, it is leading him to another mystery. He’s apprehensive. His gut’s instinct is telling him some sort of bad things going to happen. Despite the heavy feelings, Baekhyun replies his question, “Yeah, I was transferred last year after winter. Why?”
The rain miraculously stops, Kyungsoo looks up at the sky and letting his hand to feel any droplets of rain washing the earth. “It seems the rain had stopped Baekhyun-ssi. Let’s go home, there’ll be a traffic jam soon.” Kyungsoo carefully pushes away the umbrella above him and stands up. He’s stretching his body and take a deep breath of fresh air-aftermath of rain.
Baekhyun is tongue-tied and only could agree with Kyungsoo. He’s curious how did Kyungsoo knew about his transfer.
When Kyungsoo and Baekhyun turns their back from the grave, Kyungsoo’s voice ceases them from going anywhere.
“Baekhyun-ssi, how do you move on from someone who left you forever?” There is a crack on Kyungsoo’s soothe voice. Baekhyun can’t muster any courage to say anything. He never sees Kyungsoo in myriad of emotion in one day-this is overwhelming for Baekhyun.
Kyungsoo’s eyes are glisten with tears, looking down at the fresh dew grass dejectedly. The pain surges back in his exhausted, weak heart.
“Park Chanyeol was a paediatrician surgeon just like you Baekhyun-ssi, I was in my senior year in microbiology major that time. That’s why you never see me at the hospital last year, I just graduated. I met him through my internship, few months before my graduation. He was obnoxious I tell you, he’s so persistent I almost wanted to file a sexual harassment to the subordinate but unfortunately he had his charms to get me. After knowing the real him, he was very kind, easy to please and very friendly. Everyone dotes on him, even the patients love him so much. I remembered this one ahjuma always cooed at him like a baby, haha.
Ah, he’s so different than me. I thought we aren’t compatible at any angle. When he asked me out, I-I-I know it isn’t an infatuation or any mixed up feelings. It feels right, I’m happy he choose me even though we clashed many times. He always tried to make it work between us. He tried everything for the sake of me. I had never been crazy in love with anyone except him, Baekhyun-ssi.” Kyungsoo shuts his eyes painfully, biting down his trembling lips. He can never stop crying at the thought of Chanyeol smiles, happily-the remaining memories haunting him to the depth of his guilt.
“Good things never last forever isn’t Baekhyun-ssi?” Baekhyun notices Kyungsoo’s voice is cracking worse than before.
“I don’t know what my sin to deserve this. Out of all days, death angel had to pick up Chanyeol on 12th January, my birthday. I shouldn’t have let him to visit me in Goyang. January is not a beautiful season, fucking snow everywhere, rain during winter. It had never been a good luck in January. I hate everything about me, my birthday and my existence.” Kyungsoo sobs audibly, he can’t endure this sadness anymore. He doesn’t feel alive or a new starting point when it’s his birthday because the day of his birth is the day of his love’s death. Life is full of ironic. “I’m sorry Baekhyun-ssi I talked too much. I’m not good at this kind of conversation.” Kyungsoo rubs off the remaining tears with his sleeve. Chocking on his tears, the pain, the regret swims in his veins and his body is heavy with this burden.
Baekhyun drops his umbrella, closing the gap between him and Kyungsoo. He hesitates to come forward but listening to Kyungsoo’s painful words of self-loathe, Baekhyun’s heart aches to know the demon has been haunting Kyungsoo for a year. He can’t bear watching Kyungsoo wallowing like this-no, Kyungsoo deserves happiness. He is just a human; Chanyeol’s death is not anyone’s fault. It is fate, one can’t simply control. Baekhyun wraps his arm around Kyungsoo small figure, embracing him.
Kyungsoo wails, clutching at Baekhyun’s coat and staining his fat tears on it. Kyungsoo is tired to accept things as they were. He can never mourn on Chanyeol’s death properly. His grief would never leave him. No one understand him, how to cope this, how to accept Chanyeol’s death. Kyungsoo cries, hiccups, sinking deeper into Baekhyun’s comfort embrace.
Baekhyun keeps his mouth seals, only Kyungsoo’s despair voice could be hear in this dead graveyard. Kyungsoo doesn’t have to go through this alone. He’s here for him.
Baekhyun has been always looks out for Kyungsoo, from the day he met him in the cafeteria.
4.20 PM-it’s very dark, daytime is short when it’s winter and night time comes early than usual. Baekhyun doubts he can drive well in this darkness and depends on his headlight. The road heading out from this place is eerie without any lamp street and there’s no living humans around here except him and Kyungsoo in this car. Things were going unexpected after that confession, Baekhyun did not want to rush Kyungsoo going back home. He doesn’t like the idea of leaving Kyungsoo in unstable state alone at home. So, he opts to let Kyungsoo calm himself down inside the car with him.
Only the sounds of their breath and Kyungsoo’s pathetic hiccup could be hear. Baekhyun doesn’t think this is awkward, this is very heavy for him to handle this situation. Kyungsoo is fragile and might break from any words Baekhyun wanted to say. He doesn’t say anything about it; remain silent and listen to Kyungsoo’s shaky breath.
A year to endure his loss. A year to fight with his own demons. A year for Kyungsoo is an eternity-in a loop of never ending misery and sorrow. Even though Chanyeol had been erased on the face of earth, Kyungsoo’s life is moving on without hope. Things changed but Kyungsoo feels he’s stuck and time passing by him. This void feeling is hurting his heart and it’s like a huge bubble that lodge in his airway. He can’t breathe, suffocates by his depression.
Kyungsoo’s breath is steady, his hiccups reduce to short gasps. Baekhyun can’t see Kyungsoo’s dull and tired eyes but he can imagine it; his heart aches a bit. This dreadful silent is killing Baekhyun’s patient and sanity. He can’t stay still and waiting for Kyungsoo to say he is fine, “I am okay.” when he’s not. If Baekhyun doesn’t cajole Kyungsoo to let him drive off to his place, Kyungsoo would lock himself with his demons for more years-Baekhyun will never know.
Baekhyun’s mind is in a heap mess of questions, condolence, comfort words but it’s difficult for him to unravel this string of mixed up words attached with unidentified emotions. Finally, Baekhyun breathes in, closes his eyes, opens them back and exhales. His arms are crossing on his chest, eyes are looking ahead to darkness in front of him-ah, it gives him goosebumps. “Kyungsoo-ssi, I’m glad you’re telling this to me. I’d noticed how unhappy you were the past month.” Baekhyun hopes it is good enough for Kyungsoo to takes in his words.
Kyungsoo dries his tears on his cheek with the sleeve of his parka. His eyes are swollen, red and stings. He smiles forlornly, looking to his side Baekhyun is avoiding to meet his eyes. Kyungsoo scoffs, “I am that obvious, huh?” Baekhyun nods and Kyungsoo softly chuckles.
“How are you feeling now?” Baekhyun knows this question is quite redundant or boring. He did say Kyungsoo is obvious with his feelings-why did he asked such a stupid question.
Albeit, Kyungsoo answers it. “I’m feeling a bit ok, I guess?”
Their conversation sounds off and obligatory. Baekhyun doesn’t want to do all of these act out sympathy. He doesn’t want to commence a new friendship(?) with Kyungsoo based on his pity; Kyungsoo is not a welfare subject; he has his own dignity and worthy. The silence is deafening Baekhyun, however Kyungsoo seems to bask it in-he’s calm, maybe he’s used to its companion. It’s a normal thing for Kyungsoo. Quite goes well with Kyungsoo. His face is relaxed and serene. Baekhyun can’t associate with silence but if Kyungsoo exists in that realm, he can survive through it.
He glances at the digital clock on his meter dash-12.01.XX-4. 30 PM. Baekhyun can’t believe it had been 10 minutes passed, he feels as if century. 12th January, Chanyeol’s death first year anniversary and also Kyungsoo’s (how many years?) birthday.
Baekhyun has a great idea. He prays to the Lord, it won’t be a disaster.
“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to Do Kyungsoo, happy birthday to you~”
Kyungsoo is surprised by Baekhyun’s singing, his chest is lighten up. He had been drowning himself in self-pity and self-destruction for a long time he forgot this euphoric feeling wraps around his heart. It tickles him and can’t hide his smile. Things are moving, his heart is pushing the bubble of his agony away. His clockwork is slowly reels to its own direction. Kyungsoo asks in between his splitting grin, “What are you doing, Baekhyun-ssi?” his words sings laughter. Baekhyun’s face is flushed with embarrassment, again. It’s not the same as what he had in his mind. At least, Kyungsoo response in positive manner. “If I’m not mistaken, today is your birthday right? I’m serenading to you right now. Anyway, happy sweet twenty?” Baekhyun randomly guesses Kyungsoo’s age and acts cooly. Kyungsoo laughs at Baekhyun attempt, it’s sweet in a weird way-very entertaining. “I hate to burst your bubble, Baekhyun-ssi. Sadly I’m 22 this year.” Kyungsoo’s famous heart-shaped smile appears and it makes Baekhyun’s head dizzy.
“Oh well like Taylor Swift said, I don’t know about you, but I feeling 22. Unfortunately, I am not but hey! It’s your birthday, that matters right?” Baekhyun’s lips formed into an awkward, stiff rectangular shape. Kyungsoo’s lips are tired from stretching too much-the last time he smiles carefree when he was with Chanyeol.
Baekhyun heart flutters to see Kyungsoo strips off his old mask and painting his face with his brilliant, sincere smile. Baekhyun could care less the words he’s going to say now. He will regret it later but it is now or never.
“You’re beautiful when you smile. I like to see you smile every day. It’s refreshing and new to me. I’ve never seen you smile this much as today. Please do it more, Kyungsoo.” Baekhyun drops the formalities, he likes how his tongue rolls to Kyungsoo’s name-only his real name, no honorifics and such. It’s innocent and warm.
“Move on Kyungsoo, I know it’s easy to say than be done but if it meant for me to see you happy like this every day I would do anything for you to pull you away from your dark side. Just seeing you in the cafeteria isn’t satisfy me. I want to know you, I want to do anything stupid just to see your response and I want to be the one who makes your heart beat again.” Baekhyun’s serious eyes are fixed on Kyungsoo’s qualm eyes. please say yes, don’t say no. Please
Kyungsoo is too quiet for Baekhyun’s liking. Baekhyun isn’t dense not to know what would Kyungsoo reply to his creepy question. But there’s one thing Baekhyun wanted to say before Kyungsoo can open his mouth.
“Chanyeol’s death is not your fault. Even you banned him from visiting you in Goyang, he would-still die anyway. You can’t take Chanyeol’s place no matter how willing you are. Fate exist because of reason and one of it to realise life is not everything you want but to give everything you need. I am too, not good at this kind of conversation. You killed yourself again and again but it seem you never left your corpse and reincarnate into another person. Life comes with pair-death. Every time you died, you come back alive stronger. Every time you lose it, find something else.” Baekhyun stares long and hard direct to Kyungsoo’s.
Kyungsoo gulps, letting out his shuddering breath. Kyungsoo is tired to argue with others will never understand him, Chanyeol is not a missing object where he could replace with another. Despite all of that, Kyungsoo is tired to blame himself over Chanyeol’s death. He is this close to arrange his suicide, to end his pitiful life. He missed Chanyeol but then there’s Byun Baekhyun. “Baekhyun-ssi, I-I” Baekhyun interrupts him, “Just Baekhyun.” Kyungsoo sucks his lower lips nervously. “Baekhyun, I want to celebrate my birthday with you, today.” Baekhyun is not deaf nor mishearing things, he’s sure the way Kyungsoo’s lips move said the words he had been hearing.
Kyungsoo’s cheeks are beet-rooted, he’s trying to move on but he hasn’t see the starting point of it-he is lost within the loss of his lover. Baekhyun is pushing him on the edge, it annoys him but he never feels this so alive-to let go of this pain is easier than what could he ever imagine.
Kyungsoo is free. His feelings that were died along with Chanyeol revives along with the existence of Byun Baekhyun.
“Are you sure Kyungsoo? I’m not pushing you?”
“I’m very sure, Baekhyun. I’m willing to try to live again. Besides, a year mourning for him is enough for me.”
Baekhyun awes by Kyungsoo’s determination. He grins widely at Kyungsoo-demure and shy all of a sudden. “If you’re willing to try, I would be willing to help you through everything.” Baekhyun cheekily replies.
“Thank you Baekhyun, for everything and I’m sorry for the trouble I caused today.” Baekhyun waves it off and shakes his head. “Aye, it was nothing. Now, to celebrate your birthday as a stronger Do Kyungsoo! Starting with Thai food that I liked so much in Itaewon, my treat!” Baekhyun’s boisterous voice tickles Kyungsoo’s heart again-his jaw is aching from stretching his lips to wide. His tummy is doing a weird somersault and he knows-those feelings are igniting as Baekhyun ignites the engine of his car.
“The road is so grime and spooky what if there’s a ghoul try to sneak on us?” Baekhyun spews out his nonsense theory. Kyungsoo laughs heartily, “As long I am here, you’ll be alright Baekhyun.” Kyungsoo rubs Baekhyun’s stiff arm through his shirt. Baekhyun turns to Kyungsoo and smiles so wide, his eyes are hiding in a form of crescent shaped.
This is the beginning of the end of Kyungsoo’s life-a phoenix is ready to be born again.
EPILOGUE
Jongdae strides down the hall towards the cafeteria to grab himself a breakfast before he start his 8 AM shift. He wonders is Baekhyun working today, it’s kind of odd not to see his face for two days. He is a great coffee-buddy to be with especially in this early in the morning. Jongdae is walking near to the cafeteria entrance and to his mischievous delight, he sees Baekhyun and Kyungsoo from the other side. Jongdae grins his infamous feline smirks. “Hello from the other side, Dr. Byun! Ah, are my eyes deceiving me? Do Kyungsoo and Byun Baekhyun? Oh, cheeky Dr. Byun I know what you did last two days.” Jongdae teases them.
Baekhyun and Kyungsoo are flabbergasted and shades of red-pink dusted on their pale cheeks. Kyungsoo ducks down his head, embarrassed to meet with Jongdae’s playful eyes. Baekhyun sees Kyungsoo is folding himself as a defence act-cute. Baekhyun quickly exclaims it isn’t what Jongdae thinks. “Also, your joke is so lame, Jongdae. Stop it or you would be alone till you’re old and crinkly.” Baekhyun frowns-mixed of disgusted and ashamed to have a friend like Jongdae. Baekhyun would love to add a new vocab in the dictionary that is Jongdae-(n) a friend who you don’t want to introduce to anyone in fright he would ruin your imagine; a dick.
Jongdae chuckles, what an interesting morning for him. “Do Kyungsoo, right? I hope Baekhyun is not causing you any trouble and behaves very well around you. It’s not an easy task to discipline him. You could put a leash on him he might be a good boy. You know what I mean, Kyungsoo-ssi?” Jongdae winks at Kyungsoo who is still bowing his head and his face is burn in embarrassment.
Baekhyun gawks at Jongdae, horrified at Jongdae’s confession. “You arsehole, we are not like that! I’ll appoint you a brain surgery with Dr. Jung and I hope she messes up big time on you!” Baekhyun is in deeper shade of red and it really entertains Jongdae.
Jongdae coos at the both of them, “oh, what a cute couple. How about I treat this lovey-dovey couple a grand breakfast? Western or Korean? Don’t be shy, it’s all on Jongdae hyung!”Jongdae airily says it as it’s a natural thing to say. He walks into the cafeteria before Kyungsoo and Baekhyun.
“You bastard, I’m older than you! Kyungsoo and I are not lovey-dovey couple you imbecile. Don’t you dare feed the staff with your stupid lies, Jongdae! I swear I will let Kyungsoo poison your food with E.coli or any shitty coliforms.” Baekhyun huffs, Jongdae frustrates Baekhyun to his limit. Kyungsoo tugs on Baekhyun’s lab coat and slowly raises his head to look at Baekhyun.
“Ah, I’m sorry Kyungsoo. He’s an idiot just ignore him.” Baekhyun holds Kyungsoo’s fingers on his coat.
“You will let me contaminate his food right, Baekhyun?” Kyungsoo’s wide, innocent eyes is contrast to his malicious intention.
“Always, Kyungsoo.” Baekhyun is excited to be the one seeing what others personality Kyungsoo can offer to him.
a/n:
o This is written for Kyungsoo’s b’day project baekd-only. There’s additional part in this fic and some minor changes.
o I wanted to write a slow-building relationship with heavy emotions. Though, I think I deviate some parts of it. Hahaha.
o I will make a drabble about their not-so-date to the Thai restaurant I mentioned here. Maybe in the future I will make a drabble about this au. Baekhyun as Mr. David, American doctor (sing for you era) is cooler than what I’d envision.
o contaminate. I’m sorry if it’s too nerdy, hahaha. I can’t help myself to write it since Kyungsoo is a microbiologist just like me.
Please do leave a feedback!
Rating: PG
Pairing: Baekhyun/Kyungsoo, past!Chanyeol/Kyungsoo
Genre: angst, slice of life, (a bit of romance and humour)
Warning: Slight homophobio, mention of self-harm
Words count: 6.3k>
Summary: Baekhyun always sees this cute and small man at the cafeteria of the hospital he worked; particularly alone in the cafeteria. Baekhyun is not being stalkerish about Kyungsoo but fate decided for them on 12th January at the bus stop, rains heavily; Kyungsoo holds a bouquet of forget-me-not flowers and Baekhyun offers him a ride.
Another tiring day for Byun Baekhyun; it’s been a week he stuck in this boring and sickening hospital. Being a paediatrician surgeon is not an easy job. He doesn’t remember when did he signed up to handling these brat patients, professionally. He thought sick children would behave better but it seems there isn’t any difference at all. Kids will be forever be kids; sick or not. Baekhyun sighs for the umpteenth for today-three surgeon cases, total of 14 hours in green scrub and under sterilised operation room. He is loss of time even though he should be alerted with times in his hands. It’s so hard when he’s almost stumbling on his feet; walking down the halls with obnoxious, cheerful cartoon stickers. Baekhyun groans as he picks up himself from the floor. The drowsiness is really getting him, he could barely open his eyes.
“Oh, Dr.Byun you’re staying for the night again?” Baekhyun’s half-lidded eyes are searching the source of the question. “I’m right in front of you Dr.Byun, It’s me Jongdae.” Baekhyun rubs his bleary eyes with the heel of his palm and forcing his tired eyes to open. “Ah, Jongdae. Yeah I supposed this hospital is my second home. We are short in paediatrician surgeons although general surgeon is not a big deal to handle our case. It’s just, there’s been a lot of people are dying in this early year and we can’t reserve them for the time being. So, I need to sacrifice myself for the kids. I swear I feel as I am already married and handling these little spawns.” Baekhyun grunts ever so loudly and Jongdae smirks smugly at his misery.
“You’re married to this career life. It’s time to have kids, Isn’t Dr,Byun?” Jongdae chuckles. Baekhyun looks at him disgustingly; the joke is so bad but he don’t have the energy to taunt that old man. “Urggh, whatever Jongdae you’re so lame. Are you on duty right now? I’m going to the cafeteria to grab some breakfast. I really need an Americano to boost my energy level.” Baekhyun stretches his limbs to ease off the tension in his muscle. Jongdae stares at Baekhyun and ponders for a while. “I’m on my break for breakfast, it would be nice to have a coffee with you.” Jongdae shoves his hands inside his lab coat. Baekhyun grins, “Ok, let’s go then.” He slings his frail arm around Jongdae’s shoulder happily and take the advantage to lean his listless body on Jongdae’s built body. For a doctor, Jongdae really takes care his body meticulously unlike soft Baekhyun. He’s trying to make this year resolution to go to the gym a possible routine.
“Jongdae, at 9 o’clock. Do you see him?” Jongdae halts drinking his lukewarm Americano and searching for the said person. Well, there isn’t many people in this place at 7.a.m. it isn’t hard to find him. A raven haired guy, with a small stature could be mistaken as a high school student but he’s wearing a lab coat-definitely an employee in Seoul National University Hospital. He has a wide, innocent eyes, full lips are carefully sipping the hot congee and his alabaster skin is really beautiful. Any person would be mesmerize by his natural innocent vibe. “Oh, that guy. He’s Do Kyungsoo, from the pathology department.” Jongdae answered Baekhyun’s curiosity. He resumes back drinking his bitter beverage. Baekhyun is astonished, “How do you know him, Jongdae?” Baekhyun’s face is too close to Jongdae’s. He can see the dark circle under Baekhyun’s eyes and his eyes are worn out from excessive hours of patronising the young patients-Baekhyun can have Jongdae’s spa voucher on his day off. Jongdae flicks Baekhyuns forehead nonchalantly. Baekhyun sits back on his chair-distant himself from Jongdae, he whines about the pain and rubs the sore spot gently. Jongdae doesn’t feel bad at least it did the trick to get off Baekhyun from him-he could smell Baekhyun’s morning breath. He hasn’t brush his teeth, what kind of doctor he is? Not a dentistry of course. If he is, that would be a shame.
Jongdae picks up his spoon, scrapes the tofu in his miso soup and puts it on his warm rice. “I knew him because last week I bumped into him in the lab while sending the blood sample.” He scoops out his rice and eats it. Baekhyun‘s gaze falls on Kyungsoo again-he looks exhausted than before, he isn’t a bubbly person to begin with. Jongdae can see Baekhyun is being obvious staring at Kyungsoo as he is an unprotected baby fawn. Baekhyun can’t take his eyes off from Kyungsoo-it had been a month Kyungsoo is upset about something that Baekhyun would never know. His gloomy, sombre face speaks louder than his heart.
“Baekhyun, you should limit yourself for how long you can stare at that poor kid. You’re being a creep.” Jongdae snickers. Baekhyun blushes at his commentary and averts his eyes quickly to his meal on the table. He glances to his side-Jongdae is giggling as if Kyungsoo won’t be attracted by it. Jongdae is everything but grace when it comes to laugh. His mirth is meant to be heard by the world or so Jongdae said. Baekhyun tries to be stealthy, spying on Kyungsoo’s every movement. However, Kyungsoo doesn’t notice the both of them, he finished his breakfast and stands up from his seat-Baekhyun and Jongdae’s existence are mere shadows to Kyungsoo.
Jongdae stares between Baekhyun’s crestfallen face and Kyungsoo’s back when he leaves the cafeteria. Baekhyun abruptly stands up, the screeching noise from the friction of the chair and the tile floor echoes; killing the morning silence inside the cafeteria. Jongdae looks up at Baekhyun worriedly, “Baek, are you alright there buddy?” Baekhyun smiles forlornly, “I don’t know Jongdae, he looks very lonely.”Baekhyun grips his coffee cup, eyes are staring at his cloudy reflection on his dark brown Americano. Jongdae sighs, “You like him don’t you? How long have you been crushing on him?” Jongdae stares never falters.
“I don’t know about that. All I want is to see him smile, Jongdae.”
“How are you feeling, Sehunnie?” Baekhyun is on his last hour of his shift for today. He can’t wait to drive back home and sleep properly on his real bed, real room and real home. He’s checking on his last patient before he clocks out at 12pm-Oh Sehun, 8 years old, acute lymphoblastic leukemia-“Dr.Byun, are you going to play with me today?” Sehun eagerly asks him, his excitement can’t contain inside of his lithe body. Baekhyun is standing at the side of his bed, picking up Sehun’s petite arm and examines the needle on the back of his palm. Baekhyun smiles down at Sehun’s cheery face even though the colour of his face is drained but the brightness is still there. “I’m sorry baby Sehunnie, I can’t stay here for too long. Did the nurse gave you a new medicine to you?” Baekhyun soothingly strokes the faded bruises around Sehun’s needle. Sehun pouts, “Yeah, it hurts so bad and I feel uncomfy. Why can’t you play with me Dr.Byun? I’m bored, mom and dad won’t be here until evening!” Baekhyuns amused by Sehun’s antics. “I’m so sorry baby Sehunnie, I need to go home. Mongryong missed me, buddy.” Baekhyun ruffles Sehun’s jet-black silky hair.
He knows Sehun is disappointed that Baekhyun can’t keep him company. He’s still young-facing through this trial and hardship; he’s a brave kid. Baekhyun would love to entertain young, bored Sehun but it’s once in a blue moon he gets himself a day off. “Hey Sehunnie, I will buy anything you want and I might pay you a visit tomorrow if you behave and listen to Sooyoung noona, understand?” Baekhyun pats Sehun’s sunken cheek-he’s losing weight too fast and he was too skinny before. Sehun nods obediently, “I want to eat spicy rice cake but mom scolds me. She said, I can’t have it until I’m fully recover. I missed eating spicy rice cake. I hate hospital food, it is disgusting, yuck!” Sehun sniffs, he crumples the white warm blanket on top of him.
“Ok, I will bring some spicy rice cake just for you. You should eat a lot. I’m worried about you. Your mom doesn’t want you to have it because you always don’t eat other food. If Sehunnie eat spicy rice cake every day you will get sick.” Baekhyun softly kissed on top of his head. “Don’t be upset Sehunnie, please smile for me ok? I love you Sehunnie.” Baekhyun has a tender spot for him. He’s the only child under his supervise that plague with a lethal disease. Baekhyun cares about him deeply.
Baekhyun prays his gratitude to God that he drives himself to work. The sounds of heavy rain pitter-patter against the road is really frightened him. Imagine himself drenched in rain of cold winter January-hell no! Baekhyun ignites his Honda Civic and buckles up. He turns on the stereo to fill up the annoying silence-an old song he really likes is on air, like rain like music. Ah, it’s a good start to enjoy his day off.
Baekhyun drives slowly down the road to Itaewon, the road is extra slippery and the snow from yesterday haven’t melted yet. It is really dangerous, Baekhyun is kind of scared to drive in this circumstances. If he keeps driving at this rate of velocity it would be fine. He would be arrive home safely in one piece-all limbs are still perfectly attached. He’s drumming his fingers pn the steering to the beat of the song played by the radio. Then, he sees a person struggling to survive at the bus stand in this kind of weather. He heard that the buses won’t be operating for today. It won’t harm anyone if he gives a stranger a lift, right? He prays to God that his good intentions won’t kill him.
The rain is not a joke, especially in winter. Kyungsoo is shivering from the cold, hopefully his huge parka would warm up his small body. Kyungsoo should stay back watching the weather forecast at the cafeteria this morning. He left before the news could change to the weather forecast segment because the doctor who had been crept on him for a month makes him feel insecure. Kyungsoo knows who is he, Dr.Byun Baekhyun. He’s one of the popular doctors; there’s no way he won’t acknowledge the gossips about Baekhyun.
Kyungsoo is a mere microbiologist, he barely sees or ever talk to him. He can’t presume Baehkhyun’s personality and attitude based solely on gossips with no rigid evident. At first, Kyungsoo doesn’t like Baekhyun’s attention whenever they are alone at the cafeteria. Somehow, recently it isn’t that bad knowing Baekhyun would sometimes stares at him. It is creepy but there’s something special the way Baekhyun looks at him. It’s been a while Kyungsoo touched by this kind of emotion-ever since that fateful day. He sighs, warm puffs comes out from his mouth. He looks down at the bouquet of forget-me-not flowers in his hands-beautiful, bright just like-“PON!” A blast of loud horn awakens Kyungsoo from his journey to the memory lane. His body jolts at the sudden commotion and his eyes are widen than the normal size.
A silver, Honda Civic car stops by the bus stand. Kyungsoo doesn’t remember any of his colleague owns a car nor ending their shift as Kyungsoo’s. The window of the car is slowly rolling down, Kyungsoo is holding the flowers tightly but not enough pressure to damage them. To Kyungsoo’s surprise, he doesn’t expect the owner of this car is-“Do Kyungsoo from pathology department? Hi there, hmmm…come inside. The weather is crazy today, you might catch a cold if you stay here. I heard there won’t be any bus operating for today.” Baekhyun cries out amidst the noise of the rain crashing down to earth. Kyungsoo blinks his eyes, biting his chapped lips. Shit, he didn’t think the bus won’t be available.
“Do Kyungsoo-ssi, I’m sorry for being rude. I’m Dr.Byun Baekhyun from Seoul National University Hospital, nice to meet you. If you don’t mind would you like to continue this conversation inside the car, I’m worried about you.” Baekhyun blushes slightly, he can’t believe he blabbers out something like that to Kyungsoo. They aren’t friends, why the hell he said that.
“Ok, I’m coming inside.” Kyungsoo retorts curtly.
“Ah, stay there Do Kyungsoo-ssi You didn’t bring an umbrella with you. You’ll get wet and might catch a cold.” Baekhyun hurriedly looks around for his umbrella inside the compartment and steps out from his car to open the dull black umbrella he stow in the car for emergency.
Kyungsoo’s heart is beating fast and loud, warmth seeps into the crack of his cold heart and starting to spread across his pale cheeks. Baekhyun stands in front of him, hovers the umbrella above Kyungsoo. Baekhyun’s back soaked from the heavy rain as the small umbrella can’t shelter the two adults at the same time. Kyungsoo shuffles closer towards Baekhyun, his eyes are glued on the blue-purple flowers. Kyungsoo is taller than Baekhyun from this view, the bus stand platform is higher than the road where Baekhyun stood.
“Are you ok, Do Kyungsoo-ssi?” Baekhyun asks him in a calm manner laced with worry.
“Please call me Kyungsoo.” Baekhyun startles while holding the umbrella above them, his eyes are searching for Kyungsoo’s. He’s too timid, quiet and beautiful. Baekhyun can’t help himself immersed with Kyungsoo’s natural beauty. Kyungsoo is folding himself becoming smaller, Baekhyun’s intense gaze is itching Kyungsoo’s vulnerable heart. He missed ‘this’, he missed the warmth of others.
“Kyungsoo, let’s go. I am freezing, I don’t wear my coat.” Baekhyun breaks off the awkward silent. Kyungsoo carefully steps down and then he realised he’s smaller than Baekhyun.
“Are you planning to go somewhere?” Baekhyun points out the fresh flowers in Kyungsoo’s grasp. Kyungsoo nods. Baekhyun hates to know where Kyungsoo would go to except his home. It stings him, Baekhyun doesn’t want to dwell too long on his vague feelings for Kyungsoo. “Ah, I see. Well just give me the direction and I will drop you off there.” Baekhyun smiles sincerely.
Kyungsoo strains his eyes from crying. He really missed this.
Baekhyun can’t start a proper conversation with Kyungsoo for the whole journey. He’s too focus looking down at the roads and make sure he goes to the right junction. The eloquent speech of the DJ is the only thing that keeps their mind on the line of sanity.
you’ve got to be kidding me Baekhyun thinks this is implausible.
“Who are you meeting at this place?”
“An old acquaintance.”
“Kyungsoo-ssi, I am being serious with you. Don’t scare me like this.”
“I’m telling you the truth.”
Baekhyun groans in defeat. Kyungsoo is really stubborn when he wants to. Baekhyun rests his aching back against his seat, Kyungsoo’s fingers are reaching to open the door-Baekhyun quickly locks the car. Kyungsoo is dumbfounded by Baekhyun’s action, he turns to his side and stares at him incredulously. Baekhyun frowns, he closed his eyes and takes a deep breath. “I can’t let you go to the cemetery alone. It’s still raining heavily and it is really dark outside. I’ll let you go on one condition. Let me go with you, Kyungsoo-ssi.” It is very straight forward and Baekhyun hates himself more than ever. Why is he trying to act as an overprotective boyfriend? Does Kyungsoo even gay in the first place?
Kyungsoo is speechless, he doesn’t know what to say. Baekhyun saves his butt from freezing in this heartless weather and even drive him to the cemetery far off from their abode. At least, Kyungsoo should repay Baekhyun by let him do anything he wanted-Baekhyun isn’t hurting him.
“I’m sorry Kyungsoo-ssi, I shouldn’t force you to do things you don’t like. You can go, I’ll wait you here. I would be an arse to leave you here alone surrounded by death.” Baekhyun laughs nervously. “Ah, I’ll let you go now.” Baekhyun unlocks his car and looking outside, watching the rain and snow pouring down together from the sky.
Kyungsoo rests his numb, cold hands on top of Baekhyun’s. “Please wear your coat, then.”
Baekhyun feels the cold sensation at the back of his hand. He looks down on his thigh, Kyungsoo’s hand is overlapping with Baekhyun’s. Then he averts his eyes to Kyungsoo’s face. So calm, gentle and always-always beautiful. “He doesn’t mind if I bring a friend over to his place.” Kyungsoo-for many days and weeks, Baekhyun is dumbfounded to finally see Kyungsoo’s smile.
“Ah-ah, well-well-ummm, wait for me ok. I’m going to wear my coat. I’m sorry-I-I-just please be patient ok.” Baekhyun turns around his seat to take his winter coat lays on the backseat.
Kyungsoo smiles even brighter.
The roaring thunder shakes the sky with its mighty sound and the flash lightning tears across the dull sky. Baekhyun and Kyungsoo are crouching in front of the tombstone sending prayers for the dead one.
“Amen” Both said it in unison.
Both of them are still crouching, Baekhyun reads the plaque embedded on the tombstone.
Here lies the amazing person in our lives
Park Chanyeol
27th November 1992 - 12th January 20XX
It must be hard for Kyungsoo, maybe that’s why he’s been gloomy every day. To lose someone important is affecting him deeply. Baekhyun would do the same thing to, just thinking about Sehun’s future is making him crying at that thought.
Baekhyun has a lot of questions to ask Kyungsoo but it seems inappropriate to ask personal question when they aren’t even friends. Just an act of sympathy and humanity. Though, Baekhyun doesn’t think what he did is an act of pity, he did it because he cares for Kyungsoo’s wellbeing.
“Baekhyun-ssi are you disgusted if I told you I am gay?”
What? Baekhyun is confused. Kyungsoo is gay?
Kyungsoo doesn’t bother to look at Baekhyun. He plays with the flower on the bed of grass.
“No. Why would I-I be disgusted just because y-y-you’re gay?” Baekhyun has never stutter his words this bad since his clinical exams.
“I’m just asking, Baekhyun-ssi. Anyway, thank you, Baekhyun-ssi.” Kyungsoo smiles half-heartedly, playing with the wet, trimmed grass. Baekhyun looks at Kyungsoo’s sudden change of behaviour. Baekhyun is lost as to what Kyungsoo had in his mind.
Kyungsoo sighs, “You know, Park Chanyeol is my boyfriend-well ex-boyfriend now he’s dead.” Kyungsoo eyes are calm but only God knows the storm inside his heart, underneath all of these masked layers of pretending and moving on.
Baekhyun could never be surprised listening to Kyungsoo’s confession. To lose someone you really loved is the worst feeling anyone could feel. Baekhyun had a puppy before Mongryong, after his death because of sickness. Baekhyun wouldn’t stop crying for the whole day. It isn’t a good analogy, but he can connect the lost feelings Kyungsoo is going through right now.
“You were transferred last year, am I right Baekhyun-ssi?” Kyungsoo asked him.
Baekhyun doesn’t like this question, it is leading him to another mystery. He’s apprehensive. His gut’s instinct is telling him some sort of bad things going to happen. Despite the heavy feelings, Baekhyun replies his question, “Yeah, I was transferred last year after winter. Why?”
The rain miraculously stops, Kyungsoo looks up at the sky and letting his hand to feel any droplets of rain washing the earth. “It seems the rain had stopped Baekhyun-ssi. Let’s go home, there’ll be a traffic jam soon.” Kyungsoo carefully pushes away the umbrella above him and stands up. He’s stretching his body and take a deep breath of fresh air-aftermath of rain.
Baekhyun is tongue-tied and only could agree with Kyungsoo. He’s curious how did Kyungsoo knew about his transfer.
When Kyungsoo and Baekhyun turns their back from the grave, Kyungsoo’s voice ceases them from going anywhere.
“Baekhyun-ssi, how do you move on from someone who left you forever?” There is a crack on Kyungsoo’s soothe voice. Baekhyun can’t muster any courage to say anything. He never sees Kyungsoo in myriad of emotion in one day-this is overwhelming for Baekhyun.
Kyungsoo’s eyes are glisten with tears, looking down at the fresh dew grass dejectedly. The pain surges back in his exhausted, weak heart.
“Park Chanyeol was a paediatrician surgeon just like you Baekhyun-ssi, I was in my senior year in microbiology major that time. That’s why you never see me at the hospital last year, I just graduated. I met him through my internship, few months before my graduation. He was obnoxious I tell you, he’s so persistent I almost wanted to file a sexual harassment to the subordinate but unfortunately he had his charms to get me. After knowing the real him, he was very kind, easy to please and very friendly. Everyone dotes on him, even the patients love him so much. I remembered this one ahjuma always cooed at him like a baby, haha.
Ah, he’s so different than me. I thought we aren’t compatible at any angle. When he asked me out, I-I-I know it isn’t an infatuation or any mixed up feelings. It feels right, I’m happy he choose me even though we clashed many times. He always tried to make it work between us. He tried everything for the sake of me. I had never been crazy in love with anyone except him, Baekhyun-ssi.” Kyungsoo shuts his eyes painfully, biting down his trembling lips. He can never stop crying at the thought of Chanyeol smiles, happily-the remaining memories haunting him to the depth of his guilt.
“Good things never last forever isn’t Baekhyun-ssi?” Baekhyun notices Kyungsoo’s voice is cracking worse than before.
“I don’t know what my sin to deserve this. Out of all days, death angel had to pick up Chanyeol on 12th January, my birthday. I shouldn’t have let him to visit me in Goyang. January is not a beautiful season, fucking snow everywhere, rain during winter. It had never been a good luck in January. I hate everything about me, my birthday and my existence.” Kyungsoo sobs audibly, he can’t endure this sadness anymore. He doesn’t feel alive or a new starting point when it’s his birthday because the day of his birth is the day of his love’s death. Life is full of ironic. “I’m sorry Baekhyun-ssi I talked too much. I’m not good at this kind of conversation.” Kyungsoo rubs off the remaining tears with his sleeve. Chocking on his tears, the pain, the regret swims in his veins and his body is heavy with this burden.
Baekhyun drops his umbrella, closing the gap between him and Kyungsoo. He hesitates to come forward but listening to Kyungsoo’s painful words of self-loathe, Baekhyun’s heart aches to know the demon has been haunting Kyungsoo for a year. He can’t bear watching Kyungsoo wallowing like this-no, Kyungsoo deserves happiness. He is just a human; Chanyeol’s death is not anyone’s fault. It is fate, one can’t simply control. Baekhyun wraps his arm around Kyungsoo small figure, embracing him.
Kyungsoo wails, clutching at Baekhyun’s coat and staining his fat tears on it. Kyungsoo is tired to accept things as they were. He can never mourn on Chanyeol’s death properly. His grief would never leave him. No one understand him, how to cope this, how to accept Chanyeol’s death. Kyungsoo cries, hiccups, sinking deeper into Baekhyun’s comfort embrace.
Baekhyun keeps his mouth seals, only Kyungsoo’s despair voice could be hear in this dead graveyard. Kyungsoo doesn’t have to go through this alone. He’s here for him.
Baekhyun has been always looks out for Kyungsoo, from the day he met him in the cafeteria.
4.20 PM-it’s very dark, daytime is short when it’s winter and night time comes early than usual. Baekhyun doubts he can drive well in this darkness and depends on his headlight. The road heading out from this place is eerie without any lamp street and there’s no living humans around here except him and Kyungsoo in this car. Things were going unexpected after that confession, Baekhyun did not want to rush Kyungsoo going back home. He doesn’t like the idea of leaving Kyungsoo in unstable state alone at home. So, he opts to let Kyungsoo calm himself down inside the car with him.
Only the sounds of their breath and Kyungsoo’s pathetic hiccup could be hear. Baekhyun doesn’t think this is awkward, this is very heavy for him to handle this situation. Kyungsoo is fragile and might break from any words Baekhyun wanted to say. He doesn’t say anything about it; remain silent and listen to Kyungsoo’s shaky breath.
A year to endure his loss. A year to fight with his own demons. A year for Kyungsoo is an eternity-in a loop of never ending misery and sorrow. Even though Chanyeol had been erased on the face of earth, Kyungsoo’s life is moving on without hope. Things changed but Kyungsoo feels he’s stuck and time passing by him. This void feeling is hurting his heart and it’s like a huge bubble that lodge in his airway. He can’t breathe, suffocates by his depression.
Kyungsoo’s breath is steady, his hiccups reduce to short gasps. Baekhyun can’t see Kyungsoo’s dull and tired eyes but he can imagine it; his heart aches a bit. This dreadful silent is killing Baekhyun’s patient and sanity. He can’t stay still and waiting for Kyungsoo to say he is fine, “I am okay.” when he’s not. If Baekhyun doesn’t cajole Kyungsoo to let him drive off to his place, Kyungsoo would lock himself with his demons for more years-Baekhyun will never know.
Baekhyun’s mind is in a heap mess of questions, condolence, comfort words but it’s difficult for him to unravel this string of mixed up words attached with unidentified emotions. Finally, Baekhyun breathes in, closes his eyes, opens them back and exhales. His arms are crossing on his chest, eyes are looking ahead to darkness in front of him-ah, it gives him goosebumps. “Kyungsoo-ssi, I’m glad you’re telling this to me. I’d noticed how unhappy you were the past month.” Baekhyun hopes it is good enough for Kyungsoo to takes in his words.
Kyungsoo dries his tears on his cheek with the sleeve of his parka. His eyes are swollen, red and stings. He smiles forlornly, looking to his side Baekhyun is avoiding to meet his eyes. Kyungsoo scoffs, “I am that obvious, huh?” Baekhyun nods and Kyungsoo softly chuckles.
“How are you feeling now?” Baekhyun knows this question is quite redundant or boring. He did say Kyungsoo is obvious with his feelings-why did he asked such a stupid question.
Albeit, Kyungsoo answers it. “I’m feeling a bit ok, I guess?”
Their conversation sounds off and obligatory. Baekhyun doesn’t want to do all of these act out sympathy. He doesn’t want to commence a new friendship(?) with Kyungsoo based on his pity; Kyungsoo is not a welfare subject; he has his own dignity and worthy. The silence is deafening Baekhyun, however Kyungsoo seems to bask it in-he’s calm, maybe he’s used to its companion. It’s a normal thing for Kyungsoo. Quite goes well with Kyungsoo. His face is relaxed and serene. Baekhyun can’t associate with silence but if Kyungsoo exists in that realm, he can survive through it.
He glances at the digital clock on his meter dash-12.01.XX-4. 30 PM. Baekhyun can’t believe it had been 10 minutes passed, he feels as if century. 12th January, Chanyeol’s death first year anniversary and also Kyungsoo’s (how many years?) birthday.
Baekhyun has a great idea. He prays to the Lord, it won’t be a disaster.
“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to Do Kyungsoo, happy birthday to you~”
Kyungsoo is surprised by Baekhyun’s singing, his chest is lighten up. He had been drowning himself in self-pity and self-destruction for a long time he forgot this euphoric feeling wraps around his heart. It tickles him and can’t hide his smile. Things are moving, his heart is pushing the bubble of his agony away. His clockwork is slowly reels to its own direction. Kyungsoo asks in between his splitting grin, “What are you doing, Baekhyun-ssi?” his words sings laughter. Baekhyun’s face is flushed with embarrassment, again. It’s not the same as what he had in his mind. At least, Kyungsoo response in positive manner. “If I’m not mistaken, today is your birthday right? I’m serenading to you right now. Anyway, happy sweet twenty?” Baekhyun randomly guesses Kyungsoo’s age and acts cooly. Kyungsoo laughs at Baekhyun attempt, it’s sweet in a weird way-very entertaining. “I hate to burst your bubble, Baekhyun-ssi. Sadly I’m 22 this year.” Kyungsoo’s famous heart-shaped smile appears and it makes Baekhyun’s head dizzy.
“Oh well like Taylor Swift said, I don’t know about you, but I feeling 22. Unfortunately, I am not but hey! It’s your birthday, that matters right?” Baekhyun’s lips formed into an awkward, stiff rectangular shape. Kyungsoo’s lips are tired from stretching too much-the last time he smiles carefree when he was with Chanyeol.
Baekhyun heart flutters to see Kyungsoo strips off his old mask and painting his face with his brilliant, sincere smile. Baekhyun could care less the words he’s going to say now. He will regret it later but it is now or never.
“You’re beautiful when you smile. I like to see you smile every day. It’s refreshing and new to me. I’ve never seen you smile this much as today. Please do it more, Kyungsoo.” Baekhyun drops the formalities, he likes how his tongue rolls to Kyungsoo’s name-only his real name, no honorifics and such. It’s innocent and warm.
“Move on Kyungsoo, I know it’s easy to say than be done but if it meant for me to see you happy like this every day I would do anything for you to pull you away from your dark side. Just seeing you in the cafeteria isn’t satisfy me. I want to know you, I want to do anything stupid just to see your response and I want to be the one who makes your heart beat again.” Baekhyun’s serious eyes are fixed on Kyungsoo’s qualm eyes. please say yes, don’t say no. Please
Kyungsoo is too quiet for Baekhyun’s liking. Baekhyun isn’t dense not to know what would Kyungsoo reply to his creepy question. But there’s one thing Baekhyun wanted to say before Kyungsoo can open his mouth.
“Chanyeol’s death is not your fault. Even you banned him from visiting you in Goyang, he would-still die anyway. You can’t take Chanyeol’s place no matter how willing you are. Fate exist because of reason and one of it to realise life is not everything you want but to give everything you need. I am too, not good at this kind of conversation. You killed yourself again and again but it seem you never left your corpse and reincarnate into another person. Life comes with pair-death. Every time you died, you come back alive stronger. Every time you lose it, find something else.” Baekhyun stares long and hard direct to Kyungsoo’s.
Kyungsoo gulps, letting out his shuddering breath. Kyungsoo is tired to argue with others will never understand him, Chanyeol is not a missing object where he could replace with another. Despite all of that, Kyungsoo is tired to blame himself over Chanyeol’s death. He is this close to arrange his suicide, to end his pitiful life. He missed Chanyeol but then there’s Byun Baekhyun. “Baekhyun-ssi, I-I” Baekhyun interrupts him, “Just Baekhyun.” Kyungsoo sucks his lower lips nervously. “Baekhyun, I want to celebrate my birthday with you, today.” Baekhyun is not deaf nor mishearing things, he’s sure the way Kyungsoo’s lips move said the words he had been hearing.
Kyungsoo’s cheeks are beet-rooted, he’s trying to move on but he hasn’t see the starting point of it-he is lost within the loss of his lover. Baekhyun is pushing him on the edge, it annoys him but he never feels this so alive-to let go of this pain is easier than what could he ever imagine.
Kyungsoo is free. His feelings that were died along with Chanyeol revives along with the existence of Byun Baekhyun.
“Are you sure Kyungsoo? I’m not pushing you?”
“I’m very sure, Baekhyun. I’m willing to try to live again. Besides, a year mourning for him is enough for me.”
Baekhyun awes by Kyungsoo’s determination. He grins widely at Kyungsoo-demure and shy all of a sudden. “If you’re willing to try, I would be willing to help you through everything.” Baekhyun cheekily replies.
“Thank you Baekhyun, for everything and I’m sorry for the trouble I caused today.” Baekhyun waves it off and shakes his head. “Aye, it was nothing. Now, to celebrate your birthday as a stronger Do Kyungsoo! Starting with Thai food that I liked so much in Itaewon, my treat!” Baekhyun’s boisterous voice tickles Kyungsoo’s heart again-his jaw is aching from stretching his lips to wide. His tummy is doing a weird somersault and he knows-those feelings are igniting as Baekhyun ignites the engine of his car.
“The road is so grime and spooky what if there’s a ghoul try to sneak on us?” Baekhyun spews out his nonsense theory. Kyungsoo laughs heartily, “As long I am here, you’ll be alright Baekhyun.” Kyungsoo rubs Baekhyun’s stiff arm through his shirt. Baekhyun turns to Kyungsoo and smiles so wide, his eyes are hiding in a form of crescent shaped.
This is the beginning of the end of Kyungsoo’s life-a phoenix is ready to be born again.
EPILOGUE
Jongdae strides down the hall towards the cafeteria to grab himself a breakfast before he start his 8 AM shift. He wonders is Baekhyun working today, it’s kind of odd not to see his face for two days. He is a great coffee-buddy to be with especially in this early in the morning. Jongdae is walking near to the cafeteria entrance and to his mischievous delight, he sees Baekhyun and Kyungsoo from the other side. Jongdae grins his infamous feline smirks. “Hello from the other side, Dr. Byun! Ah, are my eyes deceiving me? Do Kyungsoo and Byun Baekhyun? Oh, cheeky Dr. Byun I know what you did last two days.” Jongdae teases them.
Baekhyun and Kyungsoo are flabbergasted and shades of red-pink dusted on their pale cheeks. Kyungsoo ducks down his head, embarrassed to meet with Jongdae’s playful eyes. Baekhyun sees Kyungsoo is folding himself as a defence act-cute. Baekhyun quickly exclaims it isn’t what Jongdae thinks. “Also, your joke is so lame, Jongdae. Stop it or you would be alone till you’re old and crinkly.” Baekhyun frowns-mixed of disgusted and ashamed to have a friend like Jongdae. Baekhyun would love to add a new vocab in the dictionary that is Jongdae-(n) a friend who you don’t want to introduce to anyone in fright he would ruin your imagine; a dick.
Jongdae chuckles, what an interesting morning for him. “Do Kyungsoo, right? I hope Baekhyun is not causing you any trouble and behaves very well around you. It’s not an easy task to discipline him. You could put a leash on him he might be a good boy. You know what I mean, Kyungsoo-ssi?” Jongdae winks at Kyungsoo who is still bowing his head and his face is burn in embarrassment.
Baekhyun gawks at Jongdae, horrified at Jongdae’s confession. “You arsehole, we are not like that! I’ll appoint you a brain surgery with Dr. Jung and I hope she messes up big time on you!” Baekhyun is in deeper shade of red and it really entertains Jongdae.
Jongdae coos at the both of them, “oh, what a cute couple. How about I treat this lovey-dovey couple a grand breakfast? Western or Korean? Don’t be shy, it’s all on Jongdae hyung!”Jongdae airily says it as it’s a natural thing to say. He walks into the cafeteria before Kyungsoo and Baekhyun.
“You bastard, I’m older than you! Kyungsoo and I are not lovey-dovey couple you imbecile. Don’t you dare feed the staff with your stupid lies, Jongdae! I swear I will let Kyungsoo poison your food with E.coli or any shitty coliforms.” Baekhyun huffs, Jongdae frustrates Baekhyun to his limit. Kyungsoo tugs on Baekhyun’s lab coat and slowly raises his head to look at Baekhyun.
“Ah, I’m sorry Kyungsoo. He’s an idiot just ignore him.” Baekhyun holds Kyungsoo’s fingers on his coat.
“You will let me contaminate his food right, Baekhyun?” Kyungsoo’s wide, innocent eyes is contrast to his malicious intention.
“Always, Kyungsoo.” Baekhyun is excited to be the one seeing what others personality Kyungsoo can offer to him.
a/n:
o This is written for Kyungsoo’s b’day project baekd-only. There’s additional part in this fic and some minor changes.
o I wanted to write a slow-building relationship with heavy emotions. Though, I think I deviate some parts of it. Hahaha.
o I will make a drabble about their not-so-date to the Thai restaurant I mentioned here. Maybe in the future I will make a drabble about this au. Baekhyun as Mr. David, American doctor (sing for you era) is cooler than what I’d envision.
o contaminate. I’m sorry if it’s too nerdy, hahaha. I can’t help myself to write it since Kyungsoo is a microbiologist just like me.
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