Long Time No Post
Yeah, I know I had said in some posts (friends only posts) that I wouldn't be posting on LJ much anymore. The last time I posted was Tuesday, November 21, 2006. It's been almost 2 years.
I decided I would post something on here right now because I keep getting drawn back on here from links and stuff from other websites. So I'm thinking I may start using this a once in a while.
I may do some editing of old posts. I may not. I'm not really sure at this point.
Those of you who are able to read the friends only posts right now can see that I was in a really bad place when I used to post here. And I mean really bad!! Honestly, I don't even know that person anymore. I mean I know that I was depressed and whatnot but I think at the time I didn't see it the same way I see it now. It's kind of strange.
Anyways, those of you who I'm still in touch with now (in the last few months) know that I'm no where near that person I was two years ago. That's not to say that I don't get depressed now. I do. Not nearly to the extent that I used to. I guess it's still for similar reasons that it used to be. ut I can definitely say that the devil does not have the hold on me that he has had in the past.
There are very very few people who actually know even a tiny bit of what I was feeling (that was never posted anywhere on the internet). I kept a lot of my feelings to myself. Back then I didn't have any friends or family or anyone that I really felt I could trust with the feelings and thoughts that I had. What people saw on the outside is not what was on the inside.
Although, I apparently have this thing that when I'm not really showing any emotions on the outside or if I'm just thinking about stuff (or nothing) or whatever, and not really paying attention to the expression on my face, people think something is wrong. I can honestly say that some of the times when I responded with "Nothing" when asked "What's wrong" or "Yeah, I'm fine" to "Are you ok?" I was telling at least half the truth. But I would be lying if I said that I was telling the truth every time.
I do have to say that I've been asked those kind of questions a lot less in recent past. God is working on me. I'm not even the same person I was six months ago. Actually, now that I think about it. Everything seemed to change around the time I turned 20. I never really thought about that before but that is about the time that things really turned around for me. It's kind of odd. Or not so odd I guess.
But going back a little bit in topic here, I would be lying if I told you that I'm never depressed anymore. I still struggle with things. The big thing I think is that I worry about what people are thinking about me. Not all the time. It's very much a situational thing. It's when I'm around certain people that I really get thinking about. Even today, it happened. I was just all of a sudden feeling like "They totally think I'm stupid and weird" and things to that effect. If I was to tell you who it was some of you would would understand why, and others would probably be surprised and try to tell me it's not true.
I have been spending less and less time with those people but I can't completely ditch them because they're my friends. But at the same time there are things that make me think that they aren't really. I also know that that is probably not even true. Its the same feelings I had all throughout high school, and even often in elementary school. High school was definitely worse for me though. I really hate that I still get those feelings. I've been out of high school for two years. I shouldn't be feeling like I still am in high school. It brings back bad memories that I don't want to remember.
This is also why I'm kind of scared to go to PRBI (Peace River Bible Institute), because it's in the town where I went to high school and I don't want to face those memories. I think that's why it took me so long to finish my application. I did get it finished and sent out, but I haven't heard back yet. Hopefully I will soon though because I've already been accepted to the two colleges (regular colleges) and I had to accept one because of the deadline so, just in case I don't get into PRBI, I have a back up plan. My issue now though (and part of why I want to go to PRBI) is that I don't really know if I even want to do that program and career path anymore. I'm starting to want to go back to one of my previous career path choices. I'm not sure why I want to but I do. I'm not closing the door on the other one but I'm starting to peak through the door of this one. I'll elaborate more when I know more.
But anyways, now that I've rambled on for over half an hour, I think it should go to bed. It's almost 12:30am and I need to get back into the job search in the morning. I've been looking for a summer job for almost two months. How depressing is that?! I mean really! Ugh. Anyways...Ttyl.
I decided I would post something on here right now because I keep getting drawn back on here from links and stuff from other websites. So I'm thinking I may start using this a once in a while.
I may do some editing of old posts. I may not. I'm not really sure at this point.
Those of you who are able to read the friends only posts right now can see that I was in a really bad place when I used to post here. And I mean really bad!! Honestly, I don't even know that person anymore. I mean I know that I was depressed and whatnot but I think at the time I didn't see it the same way I see it now. It's kind of strange.
Anyways, those of you who I'm still in touch with now (in the last few months) know that I'm no where near that person I was two years ago. That's not to say that I don't get depressed now. I do. Not nearly to the extent that I used to. I guess it's still for similar reasons that it used to be. ut I can definitely say that the devil does not have the hold on me that he has had in the past.
There are very very few people who actually know even a tiny bit of what I was feeling (that was never posted anywhere on the internet). I kept a lot of my feelings to myself. Back then I didn't have any friends or family or anyone that I really felt I could trust with the feelings and thoughts that I had. What people saw on the outside is not what was on the inside.
Although, I apparently have this thing that when I'm not really showing any emotions on the outside or if I'm just thinking about stuff (or nothing) or whatever, and not really paying attention to the expression on my face, people think something is wrong. I can honestly say that some of the times when I responded with "Nothing" when asked "What's wrong" or "Yeah, I'm fine" to "Are you ok?" I was telling at least half the truth. But I would be lying if I said that I was telling the truth every time.
I do have to say that I've been asked those kind of questions a lot less in recent past. God is working on me. I'm not even the same person I was six months ago. Actually, now that I think about it. Everything seemed to change around the time I turned 20. I never really thought about that before but that is about the time that things really turned around for me. It's kind of odd. Or not so odd I guess.
But going back a little bit in topic here, I would be lying if I told you that I'm never depressed anymore. I still struggle with things. The big thing I think is that I worry about what people are thinking about me. Not all the time. It's very much a situational thing. It's when I'm around certain people that I really get thinking about. Even today, it happened. I was just all of a sudden feeling like "They totally think I'm stupid and weird" and things to that effect. If I was to tell you who it was some of you would would understand why, and others would probably be surprised and try to tell me it's not true.
I have been spending less and less time with those people but I can't completely ditch them because they're my friends. But at the same time there are things that make me think that they aren't really. I also know that that is probably not even true. Its the same feelings I had all throughout high school, and even often in elementary school. High school was definitely worse for me though. I really hate that I still get those feelings. I've been out of high school for two years. I shouldn't be feeling like I still am in high school. It brings back bad memories that I don't want to remember.
This is also why I'm kind of scared to go to PRBI (Peace River Bible Institute), because it's in the town where I went to high school and I don't want to face those memories. I think that's why it took me so long to finish my application. I did get it finished and sent out, but I haven't heard back yet. Hopefully I will soon though because I've already been accepted to the two colleges (regular colleges) and I had to accept one because of the deadline so, just in case I don't get into PRBI, I have a back up plan. My issue now though (and part of why I want to go to PRBI) is that I don't really know if I even want to do that program and career path anymore. I'm starting to want to go back to one of my previous career path choices. I'm not sure why I want to but I do. I'm not closing the door on the other one but I'm starting to peak through the door of this one. I'll elaborate more when I know more.
But anyways, now that I've rambled on for over half an hour, I think it should go to bed. It's almost 12:30am and I need to get back into the job search in the morning. I've been looking for a summer job for almost two months. How depressing is that?! I mean really! Ugh. Anyways...Ttyl.