(no subject)
Its been a year since the last time i was even on livejournal.
I totally forgot that i had one, its weird how i came back to it. I've been thinking alot and realized that im not happy with myself. I dont know why, because from the outside it looks like i have everything that someone could want. I feel like i missing something. I dont feel like myself anymore. I dont want to sound materialistic or anything but i dont feel pretty and that really upsets me. My mother has even said that i am acting differentlt and that i seem depressed. I dont want to feel like this anymore...i have no motivation to do much of anything. I'm that girl that loves to dress up and show off, and recently that confidence isnt there. I am really glad that i'm leaving in august...to a whole diffeent enviroment...different people, different ways of thinking. I feel like when i move it is my chance to start all over and become who i want to be instead of what i am sterotyped right now. I just recently got rejected and it really affected me...i wasnt attached, but i still dont know why i still think about him. However, i truly believed he was 'special' and differeent than anyone i've met before...so it bothers me that it couldnt work out. I guess i'm just coming to realize that this stage of my life is over....something that i've wished for, for soooo long and now its finally here. And i'm not ready to give it up. I still feel like there is some many things left undone...apologies left unsaid, oppurtunities left untaken, experiences left unexplored, just unfinished business. I am feeling so many things right now that i had to write it down...and remembered that i had this. 21 days left of highschool. I remember 9th grade when i thought this day would never come. Sometimes i think back and if i could change anything about my years...somethings yes and somethings no, i dont think i had that typical hughschool life...my frends and i always thought we were passed it. Sometimes i wish that my friends were closer or more sincere. Don't get me wrong i have the most fun friends a girl could ask for, but i'm talking about the type where you call in the middle of the night because somethings bother you and that friend who would ick up no matter what. I mean i think i might have that in a couple of my friends, but i wish i KNEW for sure. I want the type of friend that doesnt have to sleep, someone thats up for anything, someone that will do something because it means something to me, even if they dont feel so amazing about it...because i WOULD do it for them. Some may not agree, but i do think i am a good friend. I beleieve i am always there and always up for anything. I just want the same in return. My friends have taught me alot these past 4 years. I've been called everything from the devil and worst friend ever to THE BEST FRIEND status. I am also still labeled under the mind game girl...that i only play with guys minds. And even when i try to break free of that reputation i can't because i've been that for so long. This Cold hearted bitch front does get old after a while and i am so done with being it. I want to be that token girlfriend type. The one that i guy will give up everything to be with. I've never been that beforee...i wanna try it out...maybe it will be my new sterotype. When i look back i wish i took more pictures....my memory is a bit of a blur and it would be amazing to have so of those crazy times captured. This will probably be my yearly entry or until i get like this again, but it was good to vent, because i mean i tried to vent to my 'best friends' and they are sleeping.
I totally forgot that i had one, its weird how i came back to it. I've been thinking alot and realized that im not happy with myself. I dont know why, because from the outside it looks like i have everything that someone could want. I feel like i missing something. I dont feel like myself anymore. I dont want to sound materialistic or anything but i dont feel pretty and that really upsets me. My mother has even said that i am acting differentlt and that i seem depressed. I dont want to feel like this anymore...i have no motivation to do much of anything. I'm that girl that loves to dress up and show off, and recently that confidence isnt there. I am really glad that i'm leaving in august...to a whole diffeent enviroment...different people, different ways of thinking. I feel like when i move it is my chance to start all over and become who i want to be instead of what i am sterotyped right now. I just recently got rejected and it really affected me...i wasnt attached, but i still dont know why i still think about him. However, i truly believed he was 'special' and differeent than anyone i've met before...so it bothers me that it couldnt work out. I guess i'm just coming to realize that this stage of my life is over....something that i've wished for, for soooo long and now its finally here. And i'm not ready to give it up. I still feel like there is some many things left undone...apologies left unsaid, oppurtunities left untaken, experiences left unexplored, just unfinished business. I am feeling so many things right now that i had to write it down...and remembered that i had this. 21 days left of highschool. I remember 9th grade when i thought this day would never come. Sometimes i think back and if i could change anything about my years...somethings yes and somethings no, i dont think i had that typical hughschool life...my frends and i always thought we were passed it. Sometimes i wish that my friends were closer or more sincere. Don't get me wrong i have the most fun friends a girl could ask for, but i'm talking about the type where you call in the middle of the night because somethings bother you and that friend who would ick up no matter what. I mean i think i might have that in a couple of my friends, but i wish i KNEW for sure. I want the type of friend that doesnt have to sleep, someone thats up for anything, someone that will do something because it means something to me, even if they dont feel so amazing about it...because i WOULD do it for them. Some may not agree, but i do think i am a good friend. I beleieve i am always there and always up for anything. I just want the same in return. My friends have taught me alot these past 4 years. I've been called everything from the devil and worst friend ever to THE BEST FRIEND status. I am also still labeled under the mind game girl...that i only play with guys minds. And even when i try to break free of that reputation i can't because i've been that for so long. This Cold hearted bitch front does get old after a while and i am so done with being it. I want to be that token girlfriend type. The one that i guy will give up everything to be with. I've never been that beforee...i wanna try it out...maybe it will be my new sterotype. When i look back i wish i took more pictures....my memory is a bit of a blur and it would be amazing to have so of those crazy times captured. This will probably be my yearly entry or until i get like this again, but it was good to vent, because i mean i tried to vent to my 'best friends' and they are sleeping.